[You're advised not to proceed on this site until you understand what BDSM is, and for the safety of all involved, its important connection to rape fantasy.]
We can all agree that rape is a horrific crime -- and rapists should be punished to the fullest extent of the law! -- but a certain segment of the population enjoys the rape FANTASY fetish, or the FANTASY of being "forced" into coercive sex. It's a very popular fantasy that has driven sales of "ravishment romance novels" for generations. Many rape fantasists have never suffered the horror of the real thing, but a perhaps-underreported segment of real rape survivors also share the fetish, perhaps as a way of recovering control over sex in order to heal from trauma. This works because as incongruous as it sounds, the "rapist" in the fantasy is not in control; the "victim" is. Once two (or more) rape fantasists decide to roleplay, whether online or in real life, that control dynamic must be preserved lest the "victim" actually suffer real psychological or physical harm. This is where BDSM
enters the picture.
BDSM stands for a variety of terms (bondage/domination, sadism/masochism, domination/submission), but is most easily described as a consensual exchange of power; one partner agrees to take control as the "dominant" while the other relaxes control as the "submissive". Rape fantasy is appropriately described as a category under BDSM in which a "victim/submissive" grants a "rapist/dominant" the temporary, revocable permission to dominate her for a set time (a scene). The "rapist" must respect any limits that have been negotiated beforehand by the "victim", such as "use a condom, and no weapons, face-slapping or choking". The "victim" must also respect any limits the "rapist" has specified.
Either participant may use a "safe word"
to pause or end the scene. "Stop" is too easily misunderstood in a rape fantasy scene for obvious reasons, so the most common "safe word" system is the stop-light system, i.e. a participant says "yellow" to pause if they need to discuss something, or "red" to stop the scene altogether if something has gone very wrong (physically or psychologically). They may say "green" if they recover and are ready to resume the scene.
So how is it the VICTIM is the one actually controlling the scene? The simple answer is that a competent dominant/"rapist" understands the trauma the victim can suffer by making herself so vulnerable (both physically and emotionally!), so he "controls" her according to her own subtle hints
. For instance, if he isn't rough enough, she may fight back harder with the expectation he'll ramp up the "fight". If he's too rough, she may pause the scene to rein him in. (Both participants would do well observe limits in order to avoid pauses that break their immersion in the scene.) The point is, the "rapist" does NOT have carte blanche to just get himself off and make a dash for it -- that's no better than real rape.
He understands that it may take time for his "victim" to shake off the illusion afterwards, and that she may need comfort. This comfort is referred to as "aftercare
" in BDSM circles, and is usually offered for as long as the submissive takes to recover. Interestingly, a victim can seem perfectly fine afterward and then suffer "sub drop" around 48 hours later, so aftercare should take this into account.
If you're wanting to move your rape fantasies out of your head and into real life, you may want to take the intermediate step of doing online roleplays first in order to accustom yourself to negotiating limits and working with the myriad unexpected possibilities introduced by a live partner (he's got needs too, you know). You need to practice turning down partners as well, as given your limits you simply won't be a match for everyone out there. Learning the ropes online under cover of anonymity can also help you more safely identify the more blatantly clueless prospective partners who just want carte blanche to abuse you and walk away afterward. If they're too controlling up front, don't expect them to respect your limits.
Moving your fantasies offline and into real life with partners you don't know well is very dangerous, as there are simply too many clueless sorts out there who have never heard of BDSM, don't understand it, or dismiss its necessity and just want a free-for-all grudgefuck. Even if your prospective partner seems to pass all your tests online and on tentative vanilla dates, it's still good form to research his reputation in the kink community, and to search any sex offender registries for his name. If he's worth his salt he will respect why you're going to these lengths. Once you opt to roleplay a rape scene with a new partner, it's a good idea to employ a BDSM protocol called a "safe call"
, which means you tell a trusted friend where you're going to be (the specific address), who you're going to be with (real names), and what time(s) you'll be checking in to provide feedback that you're still all right. You may agree with your trusted friend to use a coded message, or "silent alarm"
, to indicate she should call the police if you've begun to feel threatened.
The above is only a very basic primer. There is a thread under BDSM discussion
specifically for the sharing of websites with relevant information; please use it and contribute to it.