Just some of my nonsense...
Which Dwarf Are You
You know of Snow White and her seven wee men
But that's not all there are, it's at least that times ten
There were hundreds of dwarves in that deep and dark mine
Let me call out their names as I stand them in line
Their names sum them up quite simply of course
So think on it now - which dwarf name is yours?
It's good to be Goody
It's bad to be Baddy
And if you have kids
Then you're Mummy or Daddy
If you're neat then you're Fussy
If you're comedic you're Funny
And if you're always happy
They'll all call you Sunny
If you're upset you're Cranky
If you're demanding you're Pushy
If you're sour you're Meanie
And if romantic you're Mushy
If you're fit then you're Healthy
If you're sick then you're Wheezy
And while it's fine to be Sexy
Try not to be Sleazy
I had a row with a dwarf
By the name of Sassy
His sister was Floozy
But his mother was Classy
He had a tranny brother
Who we all thought was Pretty
But his father didn't like it
He was Angry, a pity
The dwarf birds were Budgie
The dwarf mice were Ratty
The dwarf sheep were Woolly
And the dwarf pigs were Fatty
The dwarf dogs were Snappy
The dwarf cats were Kitty
And they all lived together
In a massive Dwarf City
When your name is a label
You get to be just one thing
So what name sums you up
What does your presence bring?
The Back of My Hand
"Are you sure you've got it?" my wife asked
"The route's kind of hard you know.
You're picking my oldest friend up at the airport
Are you sure you know where to go?"
"Trust me," I said. "I've got this!"
I gave her a loving smile.
"We've been over the route 30 times already,
I know every twist, every turn, every mile."
"You know I've not seen her in years,
This is important," she said, "Understand?"
"Trust me," I said, "I've got this!
I know it like the back of my hand!"
Then I raised up my hand in a gesture
To display confidence I couldn't lose
But my grin froze right on my face when
I noticed a new scratch and a bruise.
"So..." I said once more, in reflection,
"Let's go over that route once again,
Because I don't know the back of my hand like I thought."
She looked at me like I had just gone insane.
But are you sure you know the back of your hand?
Are you certain, or should you be meek?
Would it be truer to say you only know you know nothing
Like Socrates, the wisest of all Greeks.
The Lost Object
My friend was in a real tizzy
When I visited him the other day
Throwing things around, acting dizzy
"I'm sorry!" Was the first thing he said.
"I've lost something important," said with gloom
"I've been seeking that object high and low.
I've looked in the living and bedroom
Even in the freezer you know!"
I helped him search for it all night
Until I had to go home
I bid him good luck, for his house was a sight
And he kept on searching alone.
I saw him again looking calm
"That object," I asked, "Any luck?"
"Yes I did," he confirmed no longer alarmed,
"It's always in the last place you look!"
"I hope so," I said, from where I was perching.
"That's a daft thing to say, it's quite odd,
Because if you found it and then kept on searching
You'd be an even sillier sod!"
The Exercise Bike
I had an exercise bike
Most useful thing I bought
I knew I needed to lose weight
"This'll do!" I thought
Yet during all the time I owned it
I ne'er shed a pound
It just stood there unmoving, not sat on
I never pumped the pedals around
So why was it so useful?
It's simple, I needed a place
To hang my hat, my coat and my trousers
Because my closet was an overflowing disgrace!
They Never Leave Us
They never leave us
The ones we truly love
Even as they walk from this life, while we hold them
In our hearts,
In our minds,
For their should burn
Through the heavens
Like a lustrous lance of living light
There to be seen by those who look
There to guide those who seek
There to comfort those who grieve.
They never leave us
Those we truly love
Even as their bodies, buried and lost
Cannot be held
Cannot be touched
For their essence is eternal, everlasting, ever ours
There to be treasured by those who love
There to inspire those who recall
There to embrace those who understand
Love goes beyond this world
To the realm beyond
The lands of the gods
Crash after crash after crash after crash
How many can he take
Fall after fall after fall after fall
Watching if he breaks
The crash-test dummy feels no pain
When thrown into walls without end
Blows to his body registered by no brain
No soul has he to mend
His existence important, a safety test
Improvements for everyone
His purpose truly one of the best
Hard-fought safety is won
Crash after crash after crash after crash
How many can I take
Fall after fall after fall after fall
Watching as my heart breaks
This broken man feels intense pain
Since my wife has passed away
Depression and grief drive me insane
Agony that's here to stay
It's been three years and still I cry
I cannot escape this nightmare
Have I the strength to stand or even try
Against crashes worse than I can bear
The Right Attitude
I'm trying to understand what this world could be
My place and that of others too
So I turn to the newspapers, religion, internet, TV
And quickly see some hated groups
Like bikers are big, thuggish ugly guys
Who'll end you just as soon as look at you
But the group Bikers Against Child Abuse
Is protecting our most hurt youth
And will even support in court, right buy their side
And Bronies have to be sad muddle-aged men
Obsessed with My Little Pony, kiddy's show
But their raising money don't you know
Their charity work grows
I guess it might just be time to think again
Well teenagers are whiny geeks
Selfish, lazy, ill-educated, not their prime
Then I learned of several times
They've save kidnap victims from those crimes
Which I have to say left me feeling meek
So it seems each time they show a group to hate
Their members are at least as good as me
If I don't know who to fear, who to shun, who to berate
How can I know what my place could be
At least the priests and teachers will guide us
And teach us all to live a good life
But schools and churches have caused strife
And their child abuse is rife
Though the truth about it often gets hush-hushed
The police are there protecting everyone
Each dedicated to both justice and the law
But every group has those who are flawed
And when a copper breaks the law
It gets covered up with true police protection
At least the news tells us what we need to know
Disasters, crimes and some about good guys
But they rush to print exciting lies
If it garners advertising prize
And it seems fact checking exists no more
So it seems each time we find a group to love
Their members include corrupt folk
If I don't know who to trust, respect and hold above
Assuming I'm on any level is a joke
Could it be superiority is rude
And inferiority's a silly game
Then I'm calling for a new attitude
Where we assess only those we know by name
And not groups by media interlude
For en masse each group is much the same
Nice Guys Finish Last
Why do nice guys finish last?
Why do women choose jerks?
Why aren't nice guys selling number ones
Or work where they want to work?
Well nobody cares if you are nice
Because nice is not a thing
It's simply a lack of abuse or pain
Is a lack the best you bring?
Or do you have something others want
Do you have that divine spark
Something special, something you
And something that others lack
You do, you can't not and be alive
There's a truth you have to know
But that special ingredient is worthless
If it's never shown
You'll never have a number one
If you don't raise your voice in song
And show what that woman or job require
Or getting them would be just wrong
If someone says you're nice, they sell you short
Move on, you better learn fast
You have to be more than merely nice
Because nice guys finish last!
Get out there and be the best you are
Live the life that's what you chose
To work here, your life, you better make those deals
Now get out there and "Close! Close! Close!"
Sleight of Hand
We in this country have always stood up
Speaking out against crimes we can't stand
With ardent pride we oppose all that's evil
And never fall for corrupt sleight-of-hand
We condemn Islam and all immigrants
They seem the cause of our greatest fear
While poverty and illness are underfunded
But kill millions in our nation each year
But at least women are entering business
And our children don't work down the mine
But the prevalence of rape and abuse
Show we are nowhere near doing just fine
And we've given our men Viagra
To ensure their virility lasts long
Of course they're still dying years before women
Could it be our priorities are wrong?
Well we won't be having any oppression
Everybody is equal in our game
So why do straight folk talk of their lovers
And condemn gay folk for doing the same
At least we're exposing welfare cheats
And all that they steal from us
But 2/3 of all wealth in this country
Is held tight by the top upper crust
Do you see who doesn't face these problems?
The rich in control of our land
Have us running round like dumb headless chickens
Being slain by this sick sleight of hand!
Lessons from the Dreamworld
I was visited last night by a series of dreams
Each with a message to tell
It wasn't a restful night in the least
It was a nightmare Hell
The universe hated how I had closed off
How I didn't get involved
It wasn't helping myself or anyone else
None of the problems were solved
Before me lay offices where rich people met
Arguing, rowing out fir all they could get
The aged and sick and poor gathered round me
Everyone lacked the basics, all had a need
"Do your jobs," I said. "You need to out the whole world right."
They said nothing, ignored the suffering in their plight.
"It's not my job," I mumbled. "Leave it to someone else."
Before me was a room filled with filth and dirt
People walked by, ignored it and those it hurt
The staff sat talking then in walked the queen
She knelt in that trash and began to clean
"That's not your job," I said. "It's not what you do."
She kept going and smiled as she said, "If not me then who?"
"It's too much!" I screamed. "I can't change the whole world!"
Before me was a beach on which a billion starfish lay
Baking and frying and dying in the heat of the day
Too much to do it was futile yet there stood a young child
Throwing the starfish one by one back to the roiling tide
"There's too many to save." I said. "They'll be dead before you're done"
He picked another up, threw it back and shrugged, told me "I saved that one!"
I awoke feeling shaken and changed
As you would be by dreams like these
I'd learned my lesson, knew what to do
So if you want to avoid such scenes
Get involved, make a difference be the change you want
But before bed... Never eat cheese!
No Wonder I Felt Ugly
As a kid I was so fat
And unhealthy just the same
I finished races last
And lost at every game
My "friends" all called me names
Nasty little slurs
I felt embarrassed shame
I felt like an ugly cur
Then I slimmed and I lost weight
Dropped nigh on a full six stone
Looking for a different fate
To change their nasty tone
But they said I was a rail
Pigeon-chested wimpy geek
They questioned if I was male
And called me a skinny freak
So then I added bulk
With barbells at the gym
I tried to look more like the Hulk
Muscular like him
But by then along came Twilight
With Edward, lean and mean
And the girls said thin was right
And my stocky form was obscene
No wonder I felt ugly
Listening to what others said
For someone will always get fugly
Trying to please them did my head
Now I'm back to being fat
And some say I look good there
Their complimenting chat
Says I'm a handsome teddy bear!
Laughing at Life
Sometimes you'll hear a pun come spilling from my lips
A little piece of humour in a silly little quip
An exercise in brainwork, playing with my words
They can be silly or be so subtle as they present the absurd
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous!
Toilet humour gets a laugh, adult-themed, often ribauld
We think such filth is modern but the tradition is quite old
Vaudeville and older, way back to ancient age
For sex taboos and obsession is always the rage
I'm not saying he was sleazy, but even his safe combination was 38-26-36!
Anti-jokes are funny, but then again they're not
When you expect a sweet punch-line, it's banality they've got
From chickens crossing roads to red-scented blue paint
They're obvious, you kick yourself, high-brow comedy this ain't
What's long and brown and sticky?
Gallows humour's funny though it can be hard to hear
It laughs at death and mocks our pain and tap-dances with fear
It revels in the darkness and many wonder why
But it's plain to see that sometimes it hurts less to laugh than cry
What do you call a bus load of politicians going over a cliff?
A good start...
Sarcasm can be nasty, it's a vicious little clown
It will raise nobody up, it can only put them down
It needs careful handling, even then some might be shocked
But you know as well as I do, some things should be mocked
A chauvinist thinks a woman's place is in the kitchen but his place is always in the wrong.
And self-deprecating humour points the finger at yourself
It viciously makes fun of your wit, your life, your health
Some don't know when you're joking and they might try yo dissuade you
But if you'll have a laugh at anyone you should be able to take one too
I was fell into depression the other day, but don't worry - with this belly I always bounce back!
It doesn't matter, in the end, which kind of joke you choose
Those above or others, whichever ones you use
They all help you handle pain and keep going through strife
So the only thing that I suggest is to keep laughing at life.
I started out on Boardwalk
Then moved on to Greece
Built a church on the Milky Way
As I moved my kitty piece
Had a child outside of wedlock
From a Mormon community chest
Then played a game of slots dice
With walking dead who wouldn't rest
Godiva Chocolate and Mayfair
Had me rolling in the dough
While John Lennon and a football
Quickly advanced to go
Then we all had Sex on the Beach
As we stood on the Champs Élysées
There's hundreds of versions of Monopoly
Play a new one every day
But all these differences hide
An undeniable fact
Monopoly is seldom fun
Saying it's a game is just an act
It's an evil war of attrition
And fights over the rules
And even the one winner
Will find all their relationships lose
So why has it been popular
For so long, on every shore
Why does a pain that lasts for hours
Bring us ever back for more
It costs time we could be spending
On things we like, want or need
I'm done now with old Hasbro
And this eternal symbol of greed
The Whole Package
Think about the person you love
Your father, your friend or your wife
And ask yourself what do they bring
What is their gift to your life?
Is it laughter or attention or security
The passion of youth, wisdom of age
Is it honesty, encouragement, fine conversation
If you're lucky it's the whole package
Annie was such a rare beauty
A gift of the Goddess, of Love
She brought everything that a man could want
We fitted like hand within glove
But the truth of her gift may surprise you
It wasn't just perfect love without fail
It was that her wondrous strength was mixed
With ways in which she was weak, flawed and frail
What use have I for a woman who's perfect
What then could I do for her?
If she was so far beyond me it's certain
There'd be nothing my love could confer
The whole package is not Razzle Dazzle
Not a mythic romantic fake lie
The whole package is growing together
From your flaws, with their love, to the sublime