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Offline Ella

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Sub Space
« on: July 15, 2014, 02:20:52 AM »
There's been a bit of talk in the other two BDSM threads about sub space, and I realize I don't know much about it. Would someone please talk about it a little more?

Here's where I am in my understanding. I'm in my first D/s relationship, and it isn't 24/7. I was clear before we got married that I wanted, needed, to be his toy. And I am. I knew I wanted to have very little say about what he did to me, sexually. And I don't. I trust him implicitly and have never felt safer.

He has me at the point where I am truly addicted to him. He can make me climax by giving me a look, whispering a word in my ear, or touching my breast. That's the background, or some of it.

What I have difficulty doing is shutting off my head. What I hear about sub space makes me think that I ought to be disappearing a little, and I don't seem to be. That might be a healthy thing, considering my background: The ability to disappear became a survival skill with my ex. J tells me not to worry about it, but I can't help but wonder. Everything he does feels incredibly right. If I trust him, shouldn't my head be shutting off? Or am I misunderstanding something?

his2use

Re: Sub Space
« Reply #1 on: July 15, 2014, 04:45:48 AM »
I want to know too.

Offline EssenceofRed

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Re: Sub Space
« Reply #2 on: July 15, 2014, 01:37:50 PM »
To be honest, I think subspace comes along mostly with pain. I wouldn't want to rule out something else since I'm no expert on this, but I believe the reason why some are so adamant against BDSM and reaching subspace is because it is technically the body's way to shut down and protect itself from pain. It happens a lot with abuse victims, so it really isn't surprising that you "disappeared" with your ex. Therefore, your body isn't going to shut itself off from pleasure with your husband because it doesn't need to. :)

With that said, I will say that while there are certain similar symptoms to subspace, everyone reacts differently, and knowing how you react is an important safety measure to plan for. For me, I won't play with anyone I don't trust explicitly, whether I'm meeting a sadist/Dom for ONLY a beating, or if I'm playing with a sadist/Dom I plan to be intimate with. I won't let myself be vulnerable unless precautions are in place, meaning we have a clear understanding and agreement of limits, what I'd like to get out of it, and what he'd like to get out of it. I also don't play with anyone I've never seen play before, and I ALWAYS do my homework. That means I've talked to people who have subbed or bottomed for them. Anyone who is reputable, who has nothing to hide, will encourage this anyway. The sadists and Doms I have played with, or who are my current partners, are men who have been in the lifestyle a very long time, who have a lot of experience, and have more positive reviews than negative (because let's face it, this is a subjective sport - there will always be someone who didn't have a great experience with a partner, and that's the risk).

The reason why I need to go through these steps is because the person I have a hard-core scene with, is going to see me at my most vulnerable, and will need to be able to respond appropriately so that I don't get hurt... emotionally or physically. My subspace is sort of different than others' and can sometimes shock or throw off a person if they aren't ready for it or know what to do with it. As a little, I get even more little in subspace. I cry a lot, which for some can be a major turn on, and for others it can be quite uncomfortable to observe, but it's a very necessary release for me. I need my partners to talk to me gently, but carry on in their demented, evil, and sadistic ways. One of my favorite partners who I only play with a couple times a year looks like Santa Clause, is a very gentle and nice older man, but is as sadistic as can be. He really enjoys the emotional element of our play and likes to give me the "daddy like" care in my distress. After any session, when I am in true subspace, I get super cuddly and need to be held. There is a lovely, euphoric, almost drunken, sleepiness that comes over me (and I think most people, actually), which is also why I always ensure I have someone there who will protect and take care of me, and who will get me home safely (if I'm not already home).

Obviously if one is new to this, they may not know yet how they are going to respond, or they could be going to a subspace without recognizing their own personal, unique symptoms. In hindsight, when I was starting out in the community where I live, before I fully understood my subspace, I was dating and playing with a Dom who was really into the Master/slave dynamic. So when he’d beat me, he’d treat me like a slave, which was REALLY SCARY for my inner little, as you can imagine. That relationship didn’t last very long. He was also a bit new and didn’t pick up on the signs I was giving him, which unfortunately led to one last dangerous scene for me. I didn’t realize this until nearly 6 months later.... when I played with my Santa Clause partner (above). I definitely don’t regret anything, and to this day we are still friends. To me, this is all about me learning more about who I am. I am the main character of my life story, as are you to yours.



Wow, lots of tangents here, but sometimes the teacher in me takes over and turns simple questions into lessons. Sorry, Ella! I hope you were at least able to pull what you wanted from this reply.   :P
« Last Edit: July 15, 2014, 01:42:13 PM by EssenceofRed »
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Offline pinkwarkitten14

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Re: Sub Space
« Reply #3 on: July 15, 2014, 02:59:08 PM »
Most people say that subspace happens when you experience sensations that blur the lines between extreme pain and extreme pleasure...... I've never really done anything with pain yet but I have experienced subspace.... Even from just online interactions. For me, it definitely does have that sensation of euphoria and also a kinda floaty feeling.... Like I'm here but not really. It also gets hard to recognise sensations... Like.... I knew I was cold, but I couldn't feel that cold...... That's part of why they say submissives in subspace need to be closely watched. It's easier to become injured, because sensations are more dull..... (the other part of the reason subbies in subspace need to be watched is because it's easy to slip into subdrop when coming down from the high of subspace. I've had that happen and it's certainly not fun...... Subdrop is not a good place to be)  I think, a lot, mostly introspectively.... I get really quiet, but it's a smiling softly, happy quiet.... I get really softspoken and demure, usually, and there's just this delightful feeling and kinda a warm tinglyness all over. These feelings can last anywhere from a few hours to a few days, usually......

The past several days, as some of you know, I've been staying with a Dom...... And it was really rather intense for me. He could put me in a very deep place as a submissive, and even put me in subspace just from a simple touch.... Just from having his hand around my throat or around the back of my neck. Not even squeezing, just... There. It made me feel owned even though I was not and am not his collared girl.... I didn't expect to like it so much, or to crave it as much as I do...... Other than then, the only times I had really experienced it were from online encounters...... That's essentially my take on subspace.... And I told another subbie friend what I was feeling, and he said that it was definitely subspace.....
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his2use

Re: Sub Space
« Reply #4 on: July 16, 2014, 02:15:23 AM »
I couldn't do that. I am too messed up so I'd likely have a breakdown or something.

Offline EssenceofRed

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Re: Sub Space
« Reply #5 on: July 16, 2014, 09:46:06 AM »
I couldn't do that. I am too messed up so I'd likely have a breakdown or something.

You might. That's a valid thought. :) Actually I know a couple "messed up" bottoms (not subs) who I think sort of use the beatings as a way of therapy. Opposed to hurting themselves, they set up a stage (sometimes literally in front of an audience) where there are limits, rules, and a safe environment to release and let go. I'm not saying that's necessarily the right way to use that scenario, but it is a way that some do. The key for them is they have a Top who knows them well, knows how to push their buttons without taking it too far, and they always have good, trusting, supportive people around them whose job is to help put them back together safely afterward.
The wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."

Offline EssenceofRed

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Re: Sub Space
« Reply #6 on: July 16, 2014, 09:50:34 AM »
Kitten, that sounds wonderful. Maybe later I'll share about the time I met Alexander in person, or maybe we'll just have to chat sometime. He was a Dom I had a two year online relationship with. Some of the things you mentioned definitely resonate with me. *drools*
The wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."

his2use

Re: Sub Space
« Reply #7 on: July 16, 2014, 11:34:16 AM »
...
« Last Edit: July 17, 2014, 02:19:48 AM by his2use »

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Re: Sub Space
« Reply #8 on: July 16, 2014, 08:43:49 PM »
I couldn't do that. I am too messed up so I'd likely have a breakdown or something.

Same! I know it's always described as euphoric but the thought of it disturbs me, it's not a place I want to be.

I don't have any desire to do bdsm irl, luckily.. fantasy rapeyness is enough. Luckily because I couldn't ever trust a man that much.
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Offline RayPistonprowl

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Re: Sub Space
« Reply #9 on: July 18, 2014, 12:03:21 PM »
To be honest, I think subspace comes along mostly with pain. I wouldn't want to rule out something else since I'm no expert on this, but I believe the reason why some are so adamant against BDSM and reaching subspace is because it is technically the body's way to shut down and protect itself from pain.

Based on my own experience and that of past subs, I think you're exactly right. The symptoms do largely resemble the shock one experiences after a grave injury. Another thing I've noted is that the pain needn't be physical. Emotional pain can do the job just as well, if the sub can immerse.
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Offline RayPistonprowl

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Re: Sub Space
« Reply #10 on: July 18, 2014, 12:08:02 PM »
(the other part of the reason subbies in subspace need to be watched is because it's easy to slip into subdrop when coming down from the high of subspace. I've had that happen and it's certainly not fun...... Subdrop is not a good place to be) ..

Subdrop can happen as long as 48 hours after the scene, so the dominant needs to keep an eye on the sub for at least several days afterwards. If he won't be at least somewhat available for this, he should tell his sub up front. One sub I had described sub drop as being similar to that feeling you get when your holiday is over and it's back to the grind of daily life!
I always wanted to be the green girl that looked pleasantly tousled leaving Captain Kirk's quarters in between acts. Except, unlike most of them I want to not tragically die. -Anguissette
I spent some time in Japan...and just kind of asked "WHY?!" a LOT. -IrishGirl
A good cup of tea lies between He-Man and Donald Trump in colour. -the_silkman
"As fuck" is my favorite unit of measurement. -lysyn

Offline RayPistonprowl

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Re: Sub Space
« Reply #11 on: July 18, 2014, 12:24:08 PM »
There's been a bit of talk in the other two BDSM threads about sub space, and I realize I don't know much about it. Would someone please talk about it a little more?

Here's where I am in my understanding. I'm in my first D/s relationship, and it isn't 24/7. I was clear before we got married that I wanted, needed, to be his toy. And I am. I knew I wanted to have very little say about what he did to me, sexually. And I don't. I trust him implicitly and have never felt safer.

He has me at the point where I am truly addicted to him. He can make me climax by giving me a look, whispering a word in my ear, or touching my breast. That's the background, or some of it.

What I have difficulty doing is shutting off my head. What I hear about sub space makes me think that I ought to be disappearing a little, and I don't seem to be. That might be a healthy thing, considering my background: The ability to disappear became a survival skill with my ex. J tells me not to worry about it, but I can't help but wonder. Everything he does feels incredibly right. If I trust him, shouldn't my head be shutting off? Or am I misunderstanding something?

Ella, if you're able to cum based on him giving you a look, you're already in subspace. For you it may be a brief, fleeting moment where you can turn off your brain (dissociate) and be in the moment, but you perhaps come out of it quickly once you've cum. It may be your survival instincts kicking your brain back into gear so you can defend yourself. I think you'll eventually overcome that defence mechanism and allow yourself to remain in subspace for longer periods of time. You may not realise it, but the progress you've made since escaping an abusive relationship has been absolutely remarkable. The fact that you're trusting your new husband so completely already is an accomplishment you should revel in, and revel often!
I always wanted to be the green girl that looked pleasantly tousled leaving Captain Kirk's quarters in between acts. Except, unlike most of them I want to not tragically die. -Anguissette
I spent some time in Japan...and just kind of asked "WHY?!" a LOT. -IrishGirl
A good cup of tea lies between He-Man and Donald Trump in colour. -the_silkman
"As fuck" is my favorite unit of measurement. -lysyn

Offline EssenceofRed

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Re: Sub Space
« Reply #12 on: July 18, 2014, 11:25:34 PM »
(the other part of the reason subbies in subspace need to be watched is because it's easy to slip into subdrop when coming down from the high of subspace. I've had that happen and it's certainly not fun...... Subdrop is not a good place to be) ..

Subdrop can happen as long as 48 hours after the scene, so the dominant needs to keep an eye on the sub for at least several days afterwards. If he won't be at least somewhat available for this, he should tell his sub up front. One sub I had described sub drop as being similar to that feeling you get when your holiday is over and it's back to the grind of daily life!

Yes! My first big subdrop came two days after the hardest (and one of the loveliest) beatings I had ever received (the one with the Santa Dom mentioned above). I was so confused at the time because I wasn't expecting it. I thought I had miraculously eased my way through subdrop unscathed. By the time Alexander stopped by to check in on me (the first chance he got that day), I was a complete and utter mess. It was after 10pm, I had been crying sobbing in bed all day, and hadn't eaten a thing in over 24 hours. Needless to say, he ordered me to go through the drive-through and skype him back so he could help me through it. Long story short, now I know what to look for and I'm better prepared for it.
The wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."

Offline Ella

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Re: Sub Space
« Reply #13 on: July 20, 2014, 01:48:34 AM »
There's been a bit of talk in the other two BDSM threads about sub space, and I realize I don't know much about it. Would someone please talk about it a little more?

Here's where I am in my understanding. I'm in my first D/s relationship, and it isn't 24/7. I was clear before we got married that I wanted, needed, to be his toy. And I am. I knew I wanted to have very little say about what he did to me, sexually. And I don't. I trust him implicitly and have never felt safer.

He has me at the point where I am truly addicted to him. He can make me climax by giving me a look, whispering a word in my ear, or touching my breast. That's the background, or some of it.

What I have difficulty doing is shutting off my head. What I hear about sub space makes me think that I ought to be disappearing a little, and I don't seem to be. That might be a healthy thing, considering my background: The ability to disappear became a survival skill with my ex. J tells me not to worry about it, but I can't help but wonder. Everything he does feels incredibly right. If I trust him, shouldn't my head be shutting off? Or am I misunderstanding something?

Ella, if you're able to cum based on him giving you a look, you're already in subspace. For you it may be a brief, fleeting moment where you can turn off your brain (dissociate) and be in the moment, but you perhaps come out of it quickly once you've cum. It may be your survival instincts kicking your brain back into gear so you can defend yourself. I think you'll eventually overcome that defence mechanism and allow yourself to remain in subspace for longer periods of time. You may not realise it, but the progress you've made since escaping an abusive relationship has been absolutely remarkable. The fact that you're trusting your new husband so completely already is an accomplishment you should revel in, and revel often!

Ray, you do know that I love you, right? Thank you. J said, "that man deserves to be your friend."

his2use

Re: Sub Space
« Reply #14 on: July 20, 2014, 02:06:12 AM »
(the other part of the reason subbies in subspace need to be watched is because it's easy to slip into subdrop when coming down from the high of subspace. I've had that happen and it's certainly not fun...... Subdrop is not a good place to be) ..

Subdrop can happen as long as 48 hours after the scene, so the dominant needs to keep an eye on the sub for at least several days afterwards. If he won't be at least somewhat available for this, he should tell his sub up front. One sub I had described sub drop as being similar to that feeling you get when your holiday is over and it's back to the grind of daily life!

Just a question. Is subdrop similiar to disassociating in certain situations? Cos I do that a lot.

 

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