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Author Topic: Dear Abby  (Read 847 times)

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Offline SoftGameHunter

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Dear Abby
« on: April 01, 2018, 04:03:26 AM »
Dear Abby,

My girlfriend and I have always enjoyed a terrific sex life. We hooked up on our first date and haven't looked back. Recently, though, she informed me that she's decided to go vegan and that means no more swallowing during fellatio as semen comes from an animal. This caused me considerable distress, compounded when she decided that sex altogether is out because semen can be absorbed by the body through vaginal and anal sex as well. She is very serious that only plant-based nutrients enter her body. I tried to explain to her that God created man separate from the animals, and even got our pastor, the reverend Doug McCockin, to try to set her straight. Alas, nothing has worked, and she insists that our wedding night will consist only of a firm handshake, as she now worries about non-vegan saliva transfer during kissing. Aside from this quirk, our sex life is fantastic in every way. I hesitate to make a big deal out of this pet peeve, but I'd hate to start resenting her over this as well as the fact that she's claimed the big bedroom for herself. What should I do?

Holden McGroin

Dear Holden,

Ask your betrothed if she would be okay with a pickle-tickle. Pickles are entirely vegan, so she should agree. Once she says yes, use an all-natural hemp cloth to gag her so she can't change her mind, and then get down to business on her. Trust me, women love having sex used as a way to educate them on the error of their ways.

Yesterday I stopped a woman from being brutally raped. Turned out I was able to talk her into it after all.

Offline Tyson

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Re: Dear Abby
« Reply #1 on: April 01, 2018, 08:15:29 PM »


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