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Offline Ingenue

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On unwanted physical contact
« on: December 29, 2014, 06:11:03 PM »
Useful perspectives. This is in no way intended to shift any burden of blame onto someone approached by a creeper, or imply they do/did wrong by not doing this.



politicalsexmaskitten:

Story time.

One day I was on the MAX (basically a giant street car that goes all over the metro area) on my way to meet up with a few friends. I didn’t look at anyone, I didn’t speak to anyone, I just stood to the side on my phone making sure I wasn’t going to be late to my meeting.

Out of no where, this guy comes up to me and starts to chat me up. Me, being who I am, am absolutely terrified to tell this guy to f*** off. He was at least half a foot taller than me, and was way too bulky for me to fight back. So I suck it up at humor him, say hello. Before introducing himself or asking me for my name, he asks me out on a date. Not wanting to piss him off I try to make light of the situation and I laugh, telling him that my boyfriend wouldn’t like the idea, but thank you for the offer. He just shrugs and says, “He doesn’t need to know.”

At this point I’m scared out of my mind. There’s this guy who, after seeing me run two blocks to catch the train, comes up to me and has made it perfectly clear that he wasn’t going to leave without getting something out of me.

I deny him a second time, saying, “I don’t even know you’re name. We’re strangers, I don’t know you.” He finally introduces himself and asks me for my phone number. I tell him I don’t give my number out to people I’ve just met and he says, “Fine, but at least take mine so we can meet up later.” So he watches me plug his number into my phone (which I deleted as soon as I knew I was safe and away from him) as we’re pulling up to my stop. I tell him I need to leave and switch trains and he tells me, “Oh, I’ll wait with you. I don’t have any plans, so I’m in no rush.” It’s important to note what at this point he had previously told me that he was late to a job interview, but he has all the time in the world because he still hasn’t gotten what he wanted from me; a yes.

I get off of the train and he follows me, and waits at the platform with me for over ten minutes until my train arrives, asking me all sorts of personal questions about where I live and where I was going that day. As soon as the train pulls up he grabs for me and says, “Do I at least get a hug before you go?”

I was terrified. I was embarrassed. This dude, who before even asking me for my name asks me out on a date and then continues to harass me after I tell him I have a boyfriend, asks me for a hug only fifteen minutes after meeting. People around us were staring at me, as if I was being rude for denying him, and every inch of me was mortified. I wanted to run, but I felt like if I had done that he would have chased after me and things would have gotten worse. So I did, and he squeezed me so tight I felt like I was going to burst. It took me a good ten seconds to get him to let go and I ran to the train car just as the doors were closing. He was trying to get me to miss my train so I would have to wait with him even longer. I would have been stuck there for over a half an hour until the next train came by, and the platform (aside from the few buses coming by) was now COMPLETELY EMPTY. He knew EXACTLY what he was doing and he knew EXACTLY how to get me alone with him.

People, if you are in a situation like this do not feel obligated to give in. If someone is making you uncomfortable and asks to touch you in any way, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO SAY YES. Make excuses, be blunt, just straight up say ‘no’. If possible, go to someone else near by who you think can help you and ask them to help you. It’s important for guys to learn that they can’t get what they want just by asking over and over again.

I got lucky. But not everyone does. Please, everyone, Be Safe.



twowandsandadrink:

SECOND STORY TIME

So I was on the transit bus alone one time. This was my first time riding, and so already I was PETRIFIED. I sit down, pull out my ipod, and begin to play some games. This guy sits down next to me, and begins trying to have a conversation. I don’t really respond, I don’t even look at him, just give half-hearted “mhm”s and “oh”s, as I don’t want to be rude if he was just striking up a friendly conversation. He then asks me on a date.

Now, as I stated before, I already was absolutely petrified. My heart stopped and I didn’t know how to answer. So I just didn’t. He didn’t let up and I could feel his eyes on me. I quietly stammer out a “no thanks” and my stop HAPPENS to be coming up, so I pull the string thing to let the driver know I want to stop there, and once we stop and the doors open I get up and he asks me, “Well, can I at least have a hug before you go if you won’t go on a date with me?”

This makes me break. There are now people staring, as we are the only people standing up and not getting off… So I just start crying. Hell, I am bawling almost instantly. He looks so fucking freaked out and people are now getting up to come over and comfort me/question him. I don’t stop crying, and he keeps trying to comfort me by touching me, and people are yelling at him for that.

AND THEN. AND. FUCKING. THEN. THE GOD DAMN BUS DRIVER. A VERY EASILY 6 FOOT BURLY MAN. COMES OVER TO US. PULLS THE GUY AWAY. AND KNEELS DOWN. HE THEN ASKS, IN THE MOST CALM VOICE, “Did you request the stop?” I very slowly and shakily nod, as I am still crying my eyes out. He then asks, “Do you want to get off?” I give a quiet “mhm” and nod once again, and he offers me his hand. I take it, he stands up, and he escorts me off the bus. He asks me questions such as where I was going next, if I was going to meet someone shortly, if I was going to transfer buses from there. He was very polite and waited for me to answer the entire time, and my friend (who I was going to be meeting there) showed up. He asked me if this was someone I knew, I said yes, and he said alright, have a good day. He then told me- and this is something stuck in my mind forever, so it is word for word-

"If some guy EVER starts harassing you like that again, do exactly what you did there. Cry. Cry and scream and have a temper tantrum. Not only will it throw him off, but it will get others to notice. They might not interfere, they might, but you will have gotten their attention and if you happen to go missing the next day the search for you will be a hell of a lot easier because everyone in that location will have seen you screaming and crying with a guy now very awkward with his actions. They will know. That is what my daughter did, and three days after she went missing she was back in my arms. I pray for you and every other person like you who has this done. You stay safe now, okay?" And after I began blubbering again, I nodded and he left.

So this is the second lesson for yall. If you can not have the courage to say no or make an excuse, cry. Let out those sobs and tears and cry your heart out. Because it is going to make people notice and make people aware.

Source for both: Tumblr
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Offline GermanChick

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Re: On unwanted physical contact
« Reply #1 on: September 12, 2015, 10:06:53 AM »
I feel for all of these/you people that, somehow, didn't end up with a personality that allows them to yell and scream and tell people to fuck off when they need to be told.


I don't have this problem but I always want to try and understand - thanks for sharing @Ingenue

 :*



Offline Addie

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Re: On unwanted physical contact
« Reply #2 on: September 12, 2015, 11:51:23 PM »
I feel for all of these/you people that, somehow, didn't end up with a personality that allows them to yell and scream and tell people to fuck off when they need to be told.


I don't have this problem but I always want to try and understand - thanks for sharing @Ingenue

 :*

It isn't so much about personality as maturity level. No doubt you remember a time when yelling and screaming and telling an attacker to fuck off was impossible because you had no experience yet with it. It takes time to develop the ability to come out of your shell and stop doubting yourself and risk making a scene. Young girls up through college-age women are victimized most because they usually don't have that experience yet. Just adding some perspective here!

Offline GermanChick

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Re: On unwanted physical contact
« Reply #3 on: September 13, 2015, 08:55:33 AM »
I was around 12 the first time I was accosted in a darkened movie theater - I froze, wasn't sure what to do but finally got up and changed seats with the group of kids I was with. The perv didn't follow.


I understand what you say @Addie - but I also seem to see that some women don't have the assertiveness for a very long time, even into adulthood, to say "no" in any shape of form.


I thought this was the account of someone older with that problem, not a young woman (child's) experience.




 

Offline Ingenue

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Re: On unwanted physical contact
« Reply #4 on: September 13, 2015, 12:14:20 PM »
I'm not sure of the age of who wrote them. Got 'em from Tumblr, like I wrote above. The second one was shared in response to the first.

As someone who struggles with self confidence (protip: don't send me to the bar, I can be literally waving money at the bartender and squeaking "excuse me!" and still won't get service!) I found them interesting perspectives.
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Offline RayPistonprowl

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Re: On unwanted physical contact
« Reply #5 on: September 13, 2015, 01:09:55 PM »
It isn't so much about personality as maturity level. No doubt you remember a time when yelling and screaming and telling an attacker to fuck off was impossible because you had no experience yet with it. It takes time to develop the ability to come out of your shell and stop doubting yourself and risk making a scene. Young girls up through college-age women are victimized most because they usually don't have that experience yet. Just adding some perspective here!

I've always been an outgoing attention whore ( so not exactly afraid of attention ) and as such I was a pervert magnet as a child. I got molested on several occasions and froze, was too afraid to cry out. I did scream and fight for all I was worth during a full-on sexual assault later though. I think it depends on the perceived threat level as well as maturity and experience. I'd agree personality has less to do with it though.
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Offline Addie

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Re: On unwanted physical contact
« Reply #6 on: September 16, 2015, 01:40:28 AM »
some women don't have the assertiveness for a very long time, even into adulthood, to say "no" in any shape of form.

You're very right about that! And predators home in on that shit!

Offline Rosary

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Re: On unwanted physical contact
« Reply #7 on: September 20, 2015, 07:54:27 PM »
I struggle with this a lot when on my own.
My worst experience was when I was living out of London, but still working there and was walking to the station for my train home after having gone for a few drinks with colleagues. A man started following me, insisting I come to his flat, even after telling him I was engaged.
I have a fairly child like demeanour, and even in goth mode, I don't like confrontation, and struggle to tell people to just back off and get out before I scream the street awake.
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Offline WildDesire

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Re: On unwanted physical contact
« Reply #8 on: April 26, 2016, 07:52:05 PM »
I can identify with that situation...
I guess due to a voice impediment I have learned to recognize and deal with those awkward situations early on and in a very firm way... and before he misinterprets politeness for a free pass to harass. Most often though guys feels uncomfortable trying to continue making conversation with me. But then I do have that whistle that works wonders and attracts embarrassing attention when my whispered "No thanks definitely not interested" doesn't convey the right message.

This is an interesting topic... and reaches into many aspects of our everyday lives. The aspect of social empowerment. The maturity and self belief, the self confidence of being polite yet firm and not allowing the situation or other person to take control of your will. And always remember if politeness does not do it...there is nothing wrong with getting really direct.

I am obviously not referring to potentially violent confrontations or when you fear physical coercion, but those many instances when we are put into a position where we often feel obliged or pressurized into saying yes. You know The pushy friend or relative that asks a burdensome favor... and which is very inconvenient for you... you don't want to do it but  feel obliged to say yes and then curse yourself later for committing.

It goes to being in a group... and being cajoled into doing something you don't want... accepting that last drink, leaving the party you were invited to to go with a group to another party and you feel uncomfortable about going.

Its about that chauvinistic boss who asks you to do those odd out-of-your-sphere of responsibility menial chores that he is too lazy to do for himself... the... "oh wont you be a dear and make me a cup of coffee while you are headed in that direction"... or "while you are out to lunch would you mind dropping in at so and so and picking up that thing?"

Then so too with the mentioned stranger coming up to chat to you... and you don't want him to. Be polite, be firm and project your voice loudly (if able to). Don't even engage in conversation. His perception of you being a timid push-over will be in serious doubt. Then if he persists even with a further NO I DON'T WANT TO, immediately wave to some imaginary person, say a loud hello and walk off to the safety of a group of people.  Don't feel embarrassed to tell them you are being harassed.

The older we get, the more mature we are, the easier it becomes to saying no...and in such a way that you earn respect.

Offline Bones

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Re: On unwanted physical contact
« Reply #9 on: July 05, 2016, 06:47:43 PM »
I tend to make myself very small out of habit. The one time I tried to surprise someone by wearing really sexy clothes, I had to take a train to get to him and was threatened and harrassed by someone on the platform. I tried to stand up for myself and he told me I'd look better with my head cut off. That was kind of the last time I spoke to one...


Except for the same "I have a boyfriend" years later, with the "he doesn't need to know, can I have your number" which I freaked and gave him a bunch of scrambled numbers that wouldn't lead back to me, then hid until he disappeared.


I've been approached by someone I barely knew for sex, and my brain went into full panic mode. Everything shut down except adrenaline. I was ready to bolt. But he took no for an answer and disappeared. I was shaky for a whole day after, and he didn't even touch me.


I've been molested in school, shown someone's dick in school on a separate incident, and nearly attacked by a pedo. I outsmarted that disgusting pile of trash.


I wear skirts, and cute tops. I make myself small. I hide behind music and books and don't talk to people or flaunt myself. These people act like they're a gift and women should just fall down and worship them. I'm glad I found this thread, because that crying thing might one day save my life. I do not have the confidence to tell a big man to back off. Thanks, Ingenue.
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Offline Lee

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Re: On unwanted physical contact
« Reply #10 on: November 30, 2016, 11:55:11 AM »
I have no idea what's it's like to be a woman in situations like this. I have a car, but when I do ride the train, I have to believe that I feel a little safer than most women. That's sad.

I would think that making statements like, "I'm married", "I'm a lesbian", "Please leave me alone", "I have Aids", "My husband's a Cop, and so am I."  etc would work. Though as I stated earlier, I'm not a woman. So it's hard for me to put myself in your shoes.

However, sometimes I would think you have to make yourself do things that you just don't wanna do. Practice saying, "Fuck Off" or what ever it is that you're confident saying. Also, Pepper Spray, guns, are a good idea. Which ever you can get. I really regret having to say that. However, I'm never surprised at the danger women face every day.

Offline LaMusica

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Re: On unwanted physical contact
« Reply #11 on: December 02, 2016, 10:56:02 AM »
Thanks for this thread...it's so hard to know what to do until it happens and even afterwards, if everything worked out and you're safe, you wonder what else you could have done.

Just like Bones, I tend to try and make myself small (I think it's bc I'm physically small, but also comes from wanting to stay out of anyone's way). And just like Ingenue, I'm not too assertive and probably too quiet (that same bar scenario has happened to me!) Funny thing is, I don't like being reminded that I'm small!

I had a scary encounter with someone and I hope that if it ever happens again, I'll be more prepared. I used to work in a building where the parking structure was underground. I had to park on the 3rd level, which was just a bit too far down for me to want to take the stairs, so I normally took the elevator. One early morning I was waiting for the elevator up when a man (who appeared to be homeless) came around the corner. He immediately asked me for change and when I said I didn't have any he said, "Or I'll take something else you have" while giving me a very creepy look. I tried to ignore him but he said a couple more gross things before the elevator finally arrived. Here's the stupid part...I still got in the elevator. I don't know why, I guess I thought he wouldn't get on too?? But he did, so I was stuck in there with him. He kept saying I was small enough he could take me wherever he wanted, why wouldn't I just kiss him. Longest elevator ride ever. Just before the door opened he grabbed my arm and tried to pull me toward him. I yanked my arm away and he said, "See you later!"

I was late for work because I walked around the block a few times to make sure he didn't follow me, and at the end of the work day I asked some other coworkers to walk back with me. Logically, if someone had laid out this scenario to me, I would have said, of course I wouldn't get in the elevator! But I did...my brain was in a totally different place when it was happening. I should have ran to the stairs, or even pressed the panic button for my car to create noise or a distraction. Or yelled and screamed and tried to carry on. Nothing happened to me, but I didn't help myself at all. It was a gross experience, but maybe now my brain will snap into action quicker.

Offline Derick

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Re: On unwanted physical contact
« Reply #12 on: December 03, 2016, 04:33:06 PM »
Until your in a situation, you can never really predict how you will react.

I never thought I would of consider myself a coward in Highschool but, I was effectively one. Just walking around the corner of my Highschool with a friend, my friend got jumped by some older student. I think my friend swing in retalation at being grabbed, I don't know, but I just stood their, I wandered away only to return, and simply watch this guy pummel my friend. Stunned, utterly and completely. It was not until a few minutes after that I noticed the guys cigarette was just their on my arm, burning me.

I didn't really "wake up", until I had to convince my friend to head to the washroom to stop the bleeding, instead of walking home, and by the time we made it there the attention of some Teachers had finally reached us.

But crap did I feel useless, just to be utterly paralyzed as my best friend got his face pounded in by some guy. When your in danger, you never really know how you will react, until its over.  I'm alot more confident than I was back then, I'm a lot better built, but I am still reminded of just how useless I was.
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Offline Ingenue

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Re: On unwanted physical contact
« Reply #13 on: December 03, 2016, 05:49:20 PM »
Stunned, utterly and completely. ... But crap did I feel useless, just to be utterly paralyzed

I feel this so much. :(
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Offline Lee

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Re: On unwanted physical contact
« Reply #14 on: December 07, 2016, 01:21:02 PM »
Some of these are really horrifying experiences.

Sometimes, when I'm alone in a parking deck, or approached by an aggressive homeless person for money, I think about some of the unfortunate cases I've heard women experience.

All I have to do is yell at the person, and they'll leave. Of course, I'm in some danger too, but I've never experienced anything like the stories I've heard on here.

It's easy to say, "Get a gun, etc." Though, I've never owned a gun, and honestly never thought about it.

I guess all I can say is that I admire the courage of certain people on this board. Be safe.

 

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