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Author Topic: My Journey of Suicide.  (Read 66 times)

Offline archon1980

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My Journey of Suicide.
« on: May 15, 2019, 09:10:42 PM »
It is a sensitive topic, mostly taboo.  This site, deals with mostly taboo topics, rape, torture, humiliation, etc.  But my struggle is with a topic that I haven’t seen much on here.  My struggle is with anxiety, my struggle is with depression, my struggle is suicide.  I recently had my heart broken.  I have struggled with depression and anxiety, wanting to end my life.  Add a broken heart and the pain can be overwhelming.  As I sit and write this, I’m having a good day, a great day, but that doesn’t mean that the pain is, in any way less real.  I’m still in pain and could be for a long time.  I have no way of knowing if anyone is struggling with thoughts of ending your life.  Please, please, reach out to someone.  I’m in fast food and finance.  I am not a professional and I hope that you seek help.  I am extremely lucky, to have people on here, who love me, who walk through some of the darkest places I’ve ever been in.  Yes, there are good days, like today, and some really dark, and bad days.  I’m not able to predict one day to the next.  But I beg of you, reach out.  I don’t pretend to know what you’re experiencing, or struggling with.  But I know, you must be in pain to want to kill yourself.  But do you want your loved ones, to all go through that same pain? I would love to talk to you, I have my struggles.  This post does not mean that I will never again want to take my life, and I will need to be reminded of the people who love me.  I hope that if I can help one person, this has been worth it.  I also believe that this is part of my healing process. 
     Archon.
“Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more; it is a tale told by an idiot full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.” William Shakespeare.

Offline RayPistonprowl

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Re: My Journey of Suicide.
« Reply #1 on: May 16, 2019, 01:48:38 AM »
:hug: I'm sorry you're in pain, @archon1980 . Takes a big man to admit it and reach out.

I've only had suicidal thoughts once, when I was on a medication for a different problem and it caused alarming self-harming impulses. It frightened me like nothing else, espesh as my life was good at the time. I imagine had my life been shite, I might have topped myself. Love can hurt whether you're depressed or not! Add in a wee temporary chemical imbalance in the brain and that could be the end of you. And what a shame that would be.

Anyone having suicidal thoughts, please reach out here if that's where you need to start, but I recommend:
1) RING 999 or 911 or wotever emergency is where you live, because suicidal thoughts ARE AN EMERGENCY. Let medical personnel talk you through the worst and stabilise you in hospital so you get properly assessed. I mean this. There is no substitute for professional help. I am not equipped to do this and statistically neither are most others here.
2) FOLLOW UP once you're released and find a good therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist who can start you on an appropriate course of long-term treatment.
3) Assemble a support network of people who know your problem and will push you to do what is necessary to get treated! Just being accountable to friends and family can be the boost you need to get shit done.
4) Don't waste time with fuckwits. That includes 'friends' who tell you to just man up and pull yourself up by the bootstraps and wot have you - they are not qualified medical personnel. Again, no substitute.
5) If a breakup feels like the cause of your suicidal thoughts, IT IS NOT. Do not blame the person who bolted. The problem lies with you, and that is a good thing, because you can't control others; you can only control yourself. So focus on getting healthy, and make your goal to bring your healthiest self into your next relationship. You'll be better prepared to choose the right person when you're fully healthy.

Lastly, you're loved. Always. That is all.

Don't hurt him too much, especially his face. I want to use it as my throne at some point. -cosmicwitch
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Offline Natalija

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Re: My Journey of Suicide.
« Reply #2 on: May 16, 2019, 05:39:37 PM »
@archon1980  I'm sorry to hear that. In that other thread, vhen you sayed you had a gun in your mouth, i thoght you wer just messing around. Not the kind of thing one often sees writen on a RP site, you understand.

Aniway. She must have been something special, to actualy break your heart to a degree you contemplate suicide, vhen she left you. All i can say - dont. Not worth it. I dont care if shes the Goddes of Love personifyed, its not worth ending your life for.

*joins in the hug  :grouphug: * Hang in there. Dont dwel on the loss, find someone new to invest in.
https://www.f-list.net/c/ironmaiden - my kink list. Read it and bust a load! 4 years out of date, but stil prety much accurate.

Offline archon1980

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Re: My Journey of Suicide.
« Reply #3 on: May 16, 2019, 05:55:47 PM »
Thanks @Natalija.  And for the record, she is the goddess of love. 
« Last Edit: May 16, 2019, 05:59:06 PM by archon1980 »
“Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more; it is a tale told by an idiot full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.” William Shakespeare.

Offline Natalija

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Re: My Journey of Suicide.
« Reply #4 on: May 16, 2019, 06:05:38 PM »
If you say so. Stil not worth it, though. Nothing/nobody is.
https://www.f-list.net/c/ironmaiden - my kink list. Read it and bust a load! 4 years out of date, but stil prety much accurate.

Offline darkfantasygirl

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Re: My Journey of Suicide.
« Reply #5 on: May 17, 2019, 09:10:28 AM »
I'm so sorry to hear this. This is something that I, too, have struggled with my whole life. From the time I was a child I had thoughts of ending my life. At first I thought it was just morbid curiosity, and was able to put it out of my mind, but as I got older, and my life became far more complicated/shit, it just seemed to get worse. As a teenager it was a constant thought, not that I wanted to, but that I could at any given time. I thought that was normal, that at least most people had that on their mind at least often. And then, I attempted, and failed. And attempted a second time and was caught. Got my ass locked up in an institution for almost a month where they discovered I have an abnormally high amount of estrogen raging in my system and it was causing me to be far too emotional/sensitive about everything and my birth control was what made my hormones throw me down that path.

Now it's not so bad, because I learned a lot about myself and my life and all the ways it could have been worse from the people I interacted with in there. I learned that suicide isn't the end of things being bad, it's the end of things ever improving. While you might be ending a horrible pain now, you're also ending the inedible love you can have for yourself and other people. And without knowing and owning the pain you feel now, the good things coming won't pop quite as much. And now that I have a son, I'm so glad that I failed at ending my life. I'm glad that I got to know the person I am now, and will continue to get to know the person he will be tomorrow.

I know that every person's circumstances are different, and I hope my sharing will help you realize that the most important person in your life is you. You have more control than it feels like some days and if you ever feel like you're losing that control, then it's important to surround yourself with people that will listen and support you. I find that loneliness it the largest catalyst for most of my darker thoughts and impulses, so find your "me time" but don't let yourself get lonely. And definitely for everyone going through hard times or just who find day to day life hard, find professional help. It may seem like a big burden but once you get in there it's really not. Professionals have trained for years to help people with a large assortment of different problems and definitely have a lot more knowledge on mental health and how everything in your life effects your brain, so at least be open to listening to them, even if you don't exactly feel like giving your life story.

Offline wrigglingbeauty

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Re: My Journey of Suicide.
« Reply #6 on: May 17, 2019, 03:19:59 PM »
It's brave to share anything this personal @archon1980 and all I can do is join in on the hugs because others have said it better already.  :)

*squeezes @archon1980 in a warm hug*

 

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