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Author Topic: The "Ingy is feeling fragile" thread  (Read 6808 times)

Offline Ingenue

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The "Ingy is feeling fragile" thread
« on: February 07, 2015, 05:18:02 PM »
I was dumb enough to read some things about abusive behavior in partners and found this and now I'm feeling very fragile and kind of want to cry the end
*comes back as a ghost and eats kraft mac n cheese* ~MamaMeadow (SAME THO ~me)
another time I made a Sim that I bricked into a standing-only cell of hell in the backyard and it took him FOREVER to die ~MamaMeadow
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Offline Ingenue

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Re: The "Ingy is feeling fragile" thread
« Reply #1 on: February 07, 2015, 05:38:11 PM »
Oooh that's so pretty. Thank you. *dabs the cream on tip of my nose for reasons*
*comes back as a ghost and eats kraft mac n cheese* ~MamaMeadow (SAME THO ~me)
another time I made a Sim that I bricked into a standing-only cell of hell in the backyard and it took him FOREVER to die ~MamaMeadow
Who hasn't done that? ~Trill

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Offline lysyn

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Re: The "Ingy is feeling fragile" thread
« Reply #2 on: February 07, 2015, 06:33:48 PM »

I'm not good with feelings and shit, but don't let something as stupid as 50 shades bring you down bbz. Just remember some books are purely for entertainment and not to be taken seriously. People get all worked up over some silly shit when really if they just let it go it will be fine.

Example: I read Darkly Dreaming Dexter and managed to not become a serial killer. Just remember, most women that read 50 shades are looking for a temporary fantasy that they will soon replace with the next mommy porn romance novel. They aren't going to go and get hooked up in an abusive relationship. I like to think most of us know the difference between fantasy and reality.

Besides, how many billionaire doms are there really? And how many of them are looking for committed relationships? I think I took the last one off the market and he's not a billionaire, but he's mine and I will cut a bitch... sorry, tangent... Anyway.. the point is, the majority of women are too smart to fall for that Shit, and if they do there isn't anything you can do about it anyway.

I suck at pep talks. Sorry. Hugs?

So far I can't remember ever being wrong in a judgement of character of someone. Then again I tend to hold onto it until I get to know them a bit. Sometimes intuitively I know someone's a retard though.
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Offline wetslut

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Re: The "Ingy is feeling fragile" thread
« Reply #3 on: February 08, 2015, 05:16:24 AM »
Ingy (((Hugs)))

I think as lys said the main thing to remember is...It's just a book...fiction not fact.

Is it poorly written?,of course it is...but lets face it,no one is reading it for the literature they're reading it for the sex scenes...people are going to see the film for the sex scenes-and to gape at how gorgeous Jamie Dornan is...

What grates my cheese is that people are going on about how women are suddenly going to be falling over themselves to get in a 'Abusive relationship' after seeing the film or reading the book..that in itself is a slight on women..as though we're that dumb we're all going to go on a hunt for a Christian Grey and not be satisfied sexually or other til we have him-what a load of shit!

Now I'm no expert in BDSM,On RD I fully admit it confused me..I read things and thought...'That can't be right,he's spanked her because she didn't do xyz'-I asked questions,wanted to understand it,and by talking to people in those types of relationships (Like The 'Blues'-remember them?) I began to understand how it worked,that it WASN'T abuse,that the D/S relationship was a lifestyle CHOICE-with BOTH adults consenting,and BOTH gaining emotional and sexual pleasure from it as well as contentment.

I think the person who wrote this blog is at the position I was before I asked questions and began to explore how it all worked,the difference is they haven't asked questions-they've just taken it as an abusive relationship because they were in one and so any spanking,control etc is abusive,they haven't taken the time to understand that some women(and men) ENJOY being spanked,some women(and men) ENJOY having decisions etc made for them,the difference between them and what this blogger is talking about is simple...an abusive relationship is one where you don't give consent,there is no contract,no rules,no guidelines,where you're to frightened to have a voice,where you walk on eggshells afraid of what he or she will do next,where a punishment isn't a spanking and then 'Here's some Advil and orange juice' and a cuddle and aftercare-it's a full on beating and you're left on the floor battered and broken in body and mind,or you're emotionally abused..told you're worthless,ugly,no one else will want you,and certainly in my experience-both.

Of course it's a book and things move at a fast pace,otherwise the thing would be a million pages long,so her arguement that he storms in so quickly is pretty irrelevant,but he lays his cards on the table and says he wants a D/S relationship with her-again in my case that wasn't mentioned!,he didn't want that,what he wanted was to control me and break me,my ex was utterly charming to begin with,on our third date I think it was he took me to Paris for the weekend,he bought me flowers,held doors open for me,behaved like a perfect gentleman for a good few months.

One of the first times he hit me was because I committed the cardinal sin of talking during a tv programme he was watching,he got up,walked over and belted me so hard I saw stars,then sat back down and carried on watching tv like nothing had happened whilst I sat sobbing my heart out in the chair-THAT is abuse,not Christian Grey spanking Ana during a sex scene they've both consented too.

As for the bloggers comments on the 'stalking'-well I wasn't allowed out of the house let alone have a job!,the very few times I was allowed out on my own(such as when I had to get a prescription for him when he was ill)-the mileage on the car was set back to zero and the mileage to and from the house to the doctors checked on the internet to make sure I didn't go anywhere else,I wasn't allowed a debit card or mobile phone,everything was taken away from me,I just existed in that house,whilst he was at work he'd call the house phone frequently-the phone was set to incoming calls only so I couldn't dial out,and if I didn't get to the phone on time because I was on the loo or whatever then god help me later.

So after all my ramblings I think my point is..After being in an abusive relationship myself the Fifty Shades books and film don't sadden me or make me think it's promoting Domestic violence,it's a totally different scenario in my book.

I hope you're ok and don't begin to doubt yourself or question what you like sexually or otherwise,we are who we are,and a fictional character doesn't define us. xx

Offline Mr Nice Guy

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Re: The "Ingy is feeling fragile" thread
« Reply #4 on: February 08, 2015, 05:26:28 AM »
'Fapping' feels wrong to the above post, but I agree with it wholeheartedly! The author you linked to had a viewpoint, not necessarily a well-informed one. And even if it had been well-informed, it's still only a viewpoint. It's good to critically consider why we like or want certain things-but nobody should be able to make you feel bad for those likes and wants.

Offline FrodoKreuger

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Re: The "Ingy is feeling fragile" thread
« Reply #5 on: February 08, 2015, 07:00:39 AM »
First, I don't think anything I say can add anything better than what Tara already said, so I give her kudos for that. Like Nicey, I don't think I can fap a DV post, but some rep may be appropriate. One thing in particular she's noted is that both the book and the blog are just viewpoints. The book is a fictionalised viewpoint of a D/s relationship, possibly from someone inexperienced. The blog is then a viewpoint of a fictionalised viewpoint and might be treated with all the (lack of) weight that implies.

Now I admit I haven't read Grey and I have no intention of going to see the movie. I've heard too many people comment that it's just badly written fan fap fiction to be attracted to it. Doesn't mean I wouldn't watch it if my Ashley wanted to, but it does mean I can't currently comment on the book. What I can say is further to just "consent" one thing that separates abuse from Ds is respect.

Ashley and I are in a Ds relationship. I am her Sir and she is my good and beautiful girl. That implies certain expectations that have been discussed and agreed on, like disciplining her for certain things. But here's the thing: if it doesn't work for either of us we'll work it through and learn and adopt what does. If spanking (as one already mentioned example) feels great, that's cool. If spanking feels like it has potential but needs adjustment, then we adjust and learn. If spanking feels unpleasant, it's gone. Like I say, respect enough to treasure the person you are with and yourself, and to communicate to make sure you grow together.

But it goes well beyond just a willingness to talk through bedroom games and standard Ds lifestyle stuff. My love and respect for her has to take precedence for me in all things. I thrill to see her show her smarts in conversation or in kicking my arse in trivia and word games etc. I listen when she needs an ear and encourage her yo do the things she wants and needs. I'm there for her (to the best of my ability) when she's sick or upset. I compliment, but not flatter, her. And she does the same for me. There's also places where I've given control to her (I'm shit at ordering my meds, sometimes going to bed when I need to, but when she says "Do it." then it gets done for instance).

So, I don't know if 50 Shades was like that, but to me a Ds relationship is. Sure, the parameters may vary between different relationships, but if it's not based on respect, love, encouragement and strengthening each other (as any relationship should be) then the situation is abusive. I'm sorry the review upset you.
« Last Edit: February 08, 2015, 07:25:21 AM by FrodoKreuger »

Offline wetslut

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Re: The "Ingy is feeling fragile" thread
« Reply #6 on: February 08, 2015, 07:16:05 AM »
Exactly Frodo,and I should've added the word respect..I got carried away ranting because it's a topic so close to my heart and I feel so passionately about it.

All the people who were kind and patient enough to talk to me and explain to me the true meanings of a D/s relationship made that clear-That respect between the couple is of great importance,that and trust.

Which of course are two key things missing from a relationship which is purely violent,there is no respect or trust..a sub would trust her dominant to stop when she safewords,he would trust her to use that safeword,they would trust and respect each other to play within their limits and boundries,and so much more.

An abusive relationship is different,I couldn't trust him to stop,I never knew how far he'd go with one of his 'Punishments',and when you're beaten because you talk when the tv is on,when you've made the 'wrong dinner' or because you've missed a bit of dust whilst cleaning and god knows what else it is a whole different story,a relationship where there is a domestic violence situation is a ticking timebomb.

Offline FrodoKreuger

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Re: The "Ingy is feeling fragile" thread
« Reply #7 on: February 08, 2015, 07:34:47 AM »
Oh yes, the safe word thing. Another important form of respect. It doesn't have to be as formalised as "red", "yellow" and "green" etc. Actually, all Ashley has to say is "I can't" or "I don't want to" or anything else that sounds like that and I'm not going to force it. I remind her that my first commandment to her is yo tell me if something is a boundary, temporary or not, and that she has the right to have them wherever she needs them. Of course, we're nit playing with rape play, so there is little reason for her to say "no" or its synonyms if it's not "no" (or at least "wait"). It's up to me to listen and discuss and learn, and frankly it's that very fact that rats me be her Sir in the first place as while pain or embarrassment play may be fun, actually hurting her (even accidentally) hurts me too. I neither have the right to do so nor want the right to do so.

Offline lysyn

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Re: The "Ingy is feeling fragile" thread
« Reply #8 on: February 08, 2015, 07:57:07 AM »
Like Tara said, if a woman reads this book and finds it enticing, she's going to ask questions, she's going to  turn to the internet and the loads of information available and she will see there's a lot more to D/s than a  series of books written by a woman that had NO clue what she was writing about.
So far I can't remember ever being wrong in a judgement of character of someone. Then again I tend to hold onto it until I get to know them a bit. Sometimes intuitively I know someone's a retard though.
~Someone with a bright future and great hair.

Offline AdamWantsYou

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Re: The "Ingy is feeling fragile" thread
« Reply #9 on: February 08, 2015, 08:33:19 AM »
A few years ago, when I joined RD, I thought about formulating a sort of "algebra" of fantasy, to help me analyse things that turn people on. I would use it to break up where a person fantasises about something they don't actually want in real life, something they do actually want, and so on, and represent their relationships to those situations in a rigorous manner.

I never went ahead and posted it because I realised it was just too, too nerdy and sad :D but I was just thinking about how it might apply here.

AIUI, Christian Grey is both controlling *and* enjoys dominant roleplay. Anastasia Steele (even the names make me grit my teeth) is both seduced by his controlling, aggressive personality *and* excited by the roleplay, and finds herself controlled by him (and frees herself #spoilerandihaventevenreadit)

So, the reader has the choice of enjoying the roleplay scenes at face value, or the literal controlling behaviour at one remove. (Or both)

Offline Ingenue

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Re: The "Ingy is feeling fragile" thread
« Reply #10 on: February 08, 2015, 08:35:41 AM »
I'm sorry to those who spent effort and goodwill writing posts defending this book, but I'm afraid I can't read them. I'm feeling better this morning after having a non-bad dream and I don't want to ruin it. (I believe I've read enough about BDSM and know enough about DV to tell them apart.)
*comes back as a ghost and eats kraft mac n cheese* ~MamaMeadow (SAME THO ~me)
another time I made a Sim that I bricked into a standing-only cell of hell in the backyard and it took him FOREVER to die ~MamaMeadow
Who hasn't done that? ~Trill

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Offline lysyn

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Re: The "Ingy is feeling fragile" thread
« Reply #11 on: February 08, 2015, 09:06:01 AM »
We love ya, ya silly pet.

Cliffs notes: We think women are smart enough to research BDSM further so they don't get hurt. That's all.


I'm glad you're happier today. :hugs:
So far I can't remember ever being wrong in a judgement of character of someone. Then again I tend to hold onto it until I get to know them a bit. Sometimes intuitively I know someone's a retard though.
~Someone with a bright future and great hair.

Offline FrodoKreuger

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Re: The "Ingy is feeling fragile" thread
« Reply #12 on: February 08, 2015, 09:45:43 AM »
cliff notes part 2: if you are disrespecting someone and ignoring consent and lack of it, you don't get to justify that as BDSM (or pretty much anything else) you abusive asswipe!

Offline lysyn

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Re: The "Ingy is feeling fragile" thread
« Reply #13 on: February 08, 2015, 12:23:00 PM »
On second though, men are scum, let's start our own fierce bad bitches club. You can be president, but I wanna be VP. Or maybe enforcer. And fuck motorcycles, well ride tigers and elephants and stuff. Well, locally. For long rides we'll fly or have like Ferrari's or something. I havent really thought through all the logistics yet.
So far I can't remember ever being wrong in a judgement of character of someone. Then again I tend to hold onto it until I get to know them a bit. Sometimes intuitively I know someone's a retard though.
~Someone with a bright future and great hair.

Offline Addie

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Re: The "Ingy is feeling fragile" thread
« Reply #14 on: February 08, 2015, 09:47:31 PM »
The book is a fictionalised viewpoint of a D/s relationship, possibly from someone inexperienced.

I think the above is exactly right. I read the book, I'm well experienced in BDSM, and I agree 1000% with the article Ingy quoted. No, it's not the horror that wetslut and others here have endured (and I'm so sorry ya'll ever went through that :( ) but the inexperienced will not be able to tell the difference in the early stages. All of you who went through these abusive relationships can surely remember back to a million signs that you should have run early on. (And I'm not saying you should blame yourself for not running! You simply didn't know back then!) But the author of that article outlines a textbook case of why Ana should have run far, far away as soon as she began observing that abusive behavior. It seems "protective" at the time, but it always, always escalates, and by the time a woman realizes that her entire social safety net has been cut away and she's trapped, she will no longer have a realistic way out. Many impressionable young women have read that crap and gotten a completely unrealistic and inaccurate view of what BDSM even is. It isn't just consensual, it's INFORMED consent!

I could rant on but my dinner is almost ready. XD :rant:

 

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