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Author Topic: A Pun My Word  (Read 1511 times)

Offline EssenceofRed

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A Pun My Word
« on: February 27, 2015, 09:58:45 PM »
I know some of you have 'em! Place your puns, one-liners, and other groaners here!

NOTE: This thread is being made because my Daddy, the comedian, is asking to add a few of his puns. The following is not me. I repeat, the following is not me!  (He's telling me I'm going to get spanked later...)  :whistle:
The wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."

Offline EssenceofRed

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Re: A Pun My Word
« Reply #1 on: February 27, 2015, 10:03:28 PM »
A couple of my Daddy's favorites....


A Higgs boson particle walked into a church and said "Hey, wait a minute, you know you can't have mass without me."


*  *  *  *  *

I once sent 10 puns into a contest to see if I could win, but alas, no pun in ten did.
The wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."

Offline FrodoKreuger

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Re: A Pun My Word
« Reply #2 on: February 28, 2015, 12:49:10 AM »
There is the joke about the twenty foot wall of course. I can't tell you it though cos you'd never get over it.

Or there's the one about the leadless pencil. Sadly that one has no point.

There's another about needing a giant hole, somehow I don't think you'll dig it though.

Word of advice if you're having trouble pushing something heavy across a rough floor - use a fish, because everyone knows Trout is stronger than friction.

Oh and if you need to tell the difference between too ferret like animals, remember: a weasel is weaselly recognised because a stoat is stoatally different.

« Last Edit: February 28, 2015, 12:54:13 AM by FrodoKreuger »

Offline EssenceofRed

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Re: A Pun My Word
« Reply #3 on: March 01, 2015, 10:26:25 PM »
Here's another one...


"Without nipples, breasts would be pointless."

 :angel:
The wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."

Offline FrodoKreuger

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Re: A Pun My Word
« Reply #4 on: March 02, 2015, 12:08:12 AM »
Not exactly a pun, but one of my favourite jokes is about Heisenberg and Schrodinger being pulled over by a cop while driving down the motorway/autobahn/thruway...

"Do you know how fast you were going?" asked the cop.
"No, but I can tell you were we are," said Heisenberg.
"You were doing 100mph," said the cop.
"Oh fucking great," snapped Heisenberg, "Now we're lost!"
The cop went round to the back of the car.  "So what's in the trunk?"
"A cat," said Schrodinger.
The cop popped the trunk to look. "This cat's dead!" he said.
"Well it is now!"

Offline EssenceofRed

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Re: A Pun My Word
« Reply #5 on: August 20, 2015, 05:20:59 PM »
Ok, he's got another one... that he made up!


I practice the ancient Japanese art of fold spleens and livers. It's known as organami.


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The wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."

Offline EssenceofRed

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Re: A Pun My Word
« Reply #6 on: August 20, 2015, 05:23:20 PM »
In all the turmoil on Wall Street lately, people have looked over the merger of two companies, Xerox bought out Wurlitzer. They plan to make reproductive organs.


 :rimshot:
The wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."

Offline EssenceofRed

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Re: A Pun My Word
« Reply #7 on: August 20, 2015, 05:27:05 PM »
One more, then I'm cutting him off.


I sent 10 jokes into a contest once in the hopes that one of them would win, but alas, no pun in 10 did.
The wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."

Offline RayPistonprowl

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Re: A Pun My Word
« Reply #8 on: August 20, 2015, 05:30:39 PM »
You haven't lived until you've received a teabagging from the prince of darkness. -IndieGuy
I very often rape people with my corkscrew duck penis and murder them by squishing them in an amplexus ball with all my guy friends. -Ingenue
Maybe there is a god. Maybe there are 2,000 gods. Maybe one of them has like 18 tits and five cocks. The only thing I ask is that it all just stays off my lawn. -Dark Places
A good cup of tea lies between He-Man and Donald Trump in colour. -the_silkman

Offline FrodoKreuger

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Re: A Pun My Word
« Reply #9 on: August 20, 2015, 06:13:45 PM »
Baby snake: Daddy, are we poisonous?
Daddy snake: No son, why?
Baby snake: I just bit my tongue!


@ashley was upset about an insect in the bedroom the other night - it really bugged her. Then she opened the door and started bugging out.


I asked a twisted bit of deteriorated string if it felt it could hold my parcel together... but it was a frayed knot.



OK, these are far to long to be puns at all, but definitely groaners:

A son asked his father: "Can you tell me the difference between theory and reality?"
"Sure, son," said the father. "Go ask your mom if she'd have sex with a strange man for $10,000."
A few minutes later the son returns: "She said yes, dad."
"Right, now go ask your sister if she'd have sex with a strange man for $10,000."
A few minutes later: "She said yes too, dad."
"Right, now go ask your brother if he'd have sex with a strange man for $10,000."
A few minutes later: "He said yes too, dad."
The father smiled. "And there you have it, son. In theory, we have $30,000. In reality we have two whores and a rent boy!"


A southern gal gets home to find her hubby fucking her sister in bed. She grabs her sister, throws her through the window, then grabs her hubby by the balls and drags him down to the tool shed. After sliding his cock into the vice on the workbench, she tightens it up and removes the handle. As he screams in agony she fetches a rusty saw from the corner of the shed.
"NO!" he screams. "I'm sorry! Please don't cut my dick off with that!!!"
She smiles sweetly. "Oh I'm not going to cut your dick off..." she says as she hands him the saw. "I'm going to set fire to this place and head into town. You do what you want!"


I was on the elevator the other day and noticed this man mountain of a guy standing there too. The doors slid shut and I just couldn't stop staring at the giant. He stepped towards me and said.
"Seven foot tall. 350lbs. Twelve inch dick. 3lb balls. Turner Brown."
Well, I fainted. When I came round he was kneeling over me and I tried to crawl away in terror.
"You ok?" he asked.
"What was it you said?" I asked nervously.
"I just answered the questions everyone asks me. "I'm seven foot tall. I weigh 350lbs. I have a twelve inch dick. My balls way 3lbs and my name is Turner Brown."
"Turner Brown?!" I said. "TURNER BROWN!!! Oh thank God... I thought you told me to turn around!"

Offline lysyn

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Re: A Pun My Word
« Reply #10 on: August 20, 2015, 06:33:04 PM »
I didn't groan at all, I laughed like a loon, especially at the last one. :D
So far I can't remember ever being wrong in a judgement of character of someone. Then again I tend to hold onto it until I get to know them a bit. Sometimes intuitively I know someone's a retard though.
~Someone with a bright future and great hair.

 

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