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Author Topic: Veet For Men, Beware!  (Read 1599 times)

Offline steg

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Veet For Men, Beware!
« on: June 29, 2014, 03:58:23 PM »
I'm reposting this, also had it up on RD but 'tis a classic:

After having been told my danglies looked like a rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.

I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the warning reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my days how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the utter destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of  in my pain induced madness and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .

Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.

This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity self respect and all traces of male genitalia.
« Last Edit: June 29, 2014, 04:06:21 PM by steg »

Offline fallen saint

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Re: Veet For Men, Beware!
« Reply #1 on: June 29, 2014, 04:03:27 PM »
 :coffeespew:
Everywhere I look you're all I see.
Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be.

"Sunshine is dangerous;  Sugar can be poison
And love, well that's obvious;  Beware of too mouch happiness"

Offline Ingenue

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Re: Veet For Men, Beware!
« Reply #2 on: June 29, 2014, 04:11:40 PM »
Cool story brah, but remember to post Ray's adventures without his pee bottle too! :D
Sometimes, it's nice to hear your pixel people scream. ~Trill
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Turns out that France understands neither peanut butter nor tacos ~IrishGirl

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Offline RayPistonprowl

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Re: Veet For Men, Beware!
« Reply #3 on: July 01, 2014, 06:02:11 AM »
I remember this.  :coffeespew: Still barking!
I always wanted to be the green girl that looked pleasantly tousled leaving Captain Kirk's quarters in between acts. Except, unlike most of them I want to not tragically die. -Anguissette
I spent some time in Japan...and just kind of asked "WHY?!" a LOT. -IrishGirl
A good cup of tea lies between He-Man and Donald Trump in colour. -the_silkman
"As fuck" is my favorite unit of measurement. -lysyn

Offline RayPistonprowl

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Re: Veet For Men, Beware!
« Reply #4 on: July 01, 2014, 06:02:42 AM »
Cool story brah, but remember to post Ray's adventures without his pee bottle too! :D

Naughtypet! Back in your cage! :cage:
I always wanted to be the green girl that looked pleasantly tousled leaving Captain Kirk's quarters in between acts. Except, unlike most of them I want to not tragically die. -Anguissette
I spent some time in Japan...and just kind of asked "WHY?!" a LOT. -IrishGirl
A good cup of tea lies between He-Man and Donald Trump in colour. -the_silkman
"As fuck" is my favorite unit of measurement. -lysyn

Offline Ingenue

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Re: Veet For Men, Beware!
« Reply #5 on: July 01, 2014, 06:31:57 PM »
Sometimes, it's nice to hear your pixel people scream. ~Trill
I like my unicorns pink. and fluffy. and dancing, in the vicinity of meteorological optical effects ~kittyumbrass
Turns out that France understands neither peanut butter nor tacos ~IrishGirl

Likes and limits on my profile!

Offline RayPistonprowl

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I always wanted to be the green girl that looked pleasantly tousled leaving Captain Kirk's quarters in between acts. Except, unlike most of them I want to not tragically die. -Anguissette
I spent some time in Japan...and just kind of asked "WHY?!" a LOT. -IrishGirl
A good cup of tea lies between He-Man and Donald Trump in colour. -the_silkman
"As fuck" is my favorite unit of measurement. -lysyn

his2use

Re: Veet For Men, Beware!
« Reply #7 on: July 16, 2014, 11:52:47 PM »
 :crazy: raayyyy

Offline Bigballs3k

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Re: Veet For Men, Beware!
« Reply #8 on: September 25, 2016, 05:00:40 PM »
That had me in tears - awesome story!

Offline Ella

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Re: Veet For Men, Beware!
« Reply #9 on: October 27, 2016, 11:15:43 PM »
This is hilarious! I'm going to read it to J. We'll see if I can do it or whether I end up rolling on the floor again.
« Last Edit: October 28, 2016, 01:51:45 AM by Ella »

Offline Trill

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Re: Veet For Men, Beware!
« Reply #10 on: May 29, 2017, 07:18:23 AM »
OP is a weakling. I have used Veet to depilate my manhood with no pain, no fuss and only a little mess. DON'T put it on your bumhole, though, that is to be avoided. The best thing to do if you have a mishap with the stuff is jump straight into the shower and scrub under the warm water with a washcloth. No raiding the fridge or freezer.
"Think the cops would let you go out of sheer awkwardness if you screamed tase me harder daddy? Let's start circulating that on the sovereign websites and find out." - random commenter on YouTube

"You haven't really played The Sims until you've tortured and killed a few, it's practically a rite of passage for Sims players." - me

That very sad moment when you're bored, horny, and very much awake, and walk into a man filled chat room on a rape fantasy site, only to be ignored while they continue to discuss topics of Star Trek and Star Wars. -EssenceofRed

Offline RayPistonprowl

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Re: Veet For Men, Beware!
« Reply #11 on: May 29, 2017, 03:18:31 PM »
@Trill Lucky bastard. I am allergic to every depilatory cream I've tried. No smooth danglies for me. I'm happy just to keep everything manscaped.
I always wanted to be the green girl that looked pleasantly tousled leaving Captain Kirk's quarters in between acts. Except, unlike most of them I want to not tragically die. -Anguissette
I spent some time in Japan...and just kind of asked "WHY?!" a LOT. -IrishGirl
A good cup of tea lies between He-Man and Donald Trump in colour. -the_silkman
"As fuck" is my favorite unit of measurement. -lysyn

Offline Trill

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Re: Veet For Men, Beware!
« Reply #12 on: May 30, 2017, 03:16:18 AM »
I'm chemically resistant, so it's all good. My few allergies involve organic matter. Sadly, that includes cats.
"Think the cops would let you go out of sheer awkwardness if you screamed tase me harder daddy? Let's start circulating that on the sovereign websites and find out." - random commenter on YouTube

"You haven't really played The Sims until you've tortured and killed a few, it's practically a rite of passage for Sims players." - me

That very sad moment when you're bored, horny, and very much awake, and walk into a man filled chat room on a rape fantasy site, only to be ignored while they continue to discuss topics of Star Trek and Star Wars. -EssenceofRed

 

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