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Offline EssenceofRed

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How do you know?
« on: March 18, 2015, 11:24:01 PM »
I'd like to have a discussion about titles and roles within the D/s community, but I'm having trouble coming up with the questions to spark a dialogue. I'm hoping anyone who has a thought on anything I say below will add something.

There is something about the way a "true Dom" carries himself and speaks/writes, that makes me feel warm and gushy, instantly submissive and little. I call it my Domdar. It's really good and pretty accurate... but only for men. When I go to parties, I know exactly who the "real" Doms are based on how I feel around them. (Unfortunately it doesn't work the same with women.) They aren't trying to get me in bed or see me as a play thing. Or if they do, they hide it really well. Rather, they make me feel like a valued person that they are truly interested in getting to know. They know how to ask questions that make me think, and even learn more about myself.

EDIT: While this post was only suppose to be a draft when I went to bed, as these are not my complete thoughts on the topic (or even what I'm trying to say, for that matter), I see it has sparked some good conversation. I will write more of what I mean in a later post. Thank you for getting this going! There's nothin' like jumping right in! Lol
« Last Edit: March 19, 2015, 07:28:58 AM by EssenceofRed »
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Offline Rosary

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Re: How do you know?
« Reply #1 on: March 19, 2015, 12:56:51 AM »
I tend to find true Dom's are polite, paternal, even. They respect subs and acknowledge their autonomy and value as a person, rather than assessing how much they'd like to beat, bind and bang them.
If they engage with me conversationally and take me seriously and make me feel like we could learn from each other, they're a real Dom. And not some 'Master' who doesn't know the first thing about BDSM, consent or how to even handle a sub.
~Per Aspira Ad Inferi~

I thought I was an angel, but I was wrong.
I'm with the Others, and I've been here all along.
Will you punish me because I'm made in your blood?
Do I fly in the storm, or wallow in the mud?
So don't blame the devil for the shit that you've done,
You made this mess, and you're just having fun.

Offline Tragedy

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Re: How do you know?
« Reply #2 on: March 19, 2015, 01:32:10 AM »
I know the same way. It is all based on how they treat you. My husband is a Dom, even though he tries not to be(we had some issues before when he was controlling, but...I left him, then he changed, really changed. he's terrified to be a dom too much, because he is scared he would revert into the bad place, and he always tries to keep himself in check, especially for me.). But being a dominate personality, he respects me, he's not afraid when I have an opinion or when I challenge him.

In the bedroom, he respects my limits, but knows when and how to take what he wants in a way that always leaves me satisfied, and he DOES make sure to take care of me during play and after.

So I guess the short answer is that a true Dom, in my opinion, is someone who cherishes the Sub that gives themselves up to them, to be whatever that person needs. a protector, a daddy figure, a stern hand, a friend, a confidant, someone who isn't afraid of the Sub having his or her own voice, and values their opinons and intelligence. Someone worthy of a person giving themselves up to them.
If there is beauty in the breaking then make me gorgeous.
I can make hell feel like home.

Offline ashley

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Re: How do you know?
« Reply #3 on: March 19, 2015, 05:00:34 AM »
I have to admit, even though I know the usual intent behind the phrase was not meant here, I can't help but cringe when I see "true Dom/sub/switch/whatever."  I've known male subs that carry themselves exactly as described here, also Doms that seemed unsure of themselves, almost shrinking....but they could switch their "Dom" on when needed or wanted.  Honestly, I kind of think it's just differences in confidence and self esteem levels rather than difference in title. 

The reason I cringe at the "true" part is that it implies a wrong or right way, with Doms, of course there's the obvious "wrong" things, abuse, consent violations...but other than that, I kind of think it's all individual and very rarely static. 

All that being said, a man that carries himself with confidence, has a way with words, is kind, not afraid to laugh at  himself...just makes me go all fluttery whether a Dom or not.  I have a male subby gamer friend that tried incredibly hard to get me to try being a  Domme, as fluttery as he made me I just couldn't, it's not me.  He was exactly like that though...as is my Frodo, well, minus the subby part:)

So...I guess this is my overly long way of saying, short of heating from their lips "I'm a Dom/sub/switch/etc" I don't think there is a way to tell.

Offline FrodoKreuger

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Re: How do you know?
« Reply #4 on: March 19, 2015, 05:29:11 AM »
When I read the first three posts here I'm a little confused. I could be misunderstanding, gods know this damn plague has my thinking screwed up, but it sounds like it's being stated that is someone is polite, charismatic, interested, respectful, trustworthy and intelligent then they are a dom. I could be wrong, but that sounds more like the definition of a good and socially skilled person than a dom. For it to be a way of distinguishing Dom from sub a sub would have to be not those things. That just doesn't seem true.

I also tend to shy away from "true X" too. It has the implication that someone is and will always be consistently one thing. I, myself, am an example of someone who doesn't fit that mould. When I first tried Ds back in the early 2000s it was as a sub and it felt so right. The Ds part of that relationship couldn't be maintained though and over the years I've changed. Now, with Ashley, well you've seen what she's said about me definitely not being submissive. I'm her Sir and I love it. Does this in some way make me a lesser or fake one? If you wish to see it that way then I can't stop you, but I think Ashley and I will get one with living the way that feels so right for us. She my good and beautiful girl, I her loving Sir.
« Last Edit: March 19, 2015, 05:32:29 AM by FrodoKreuger »

Offline Rosary

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Re: How do you know?
« Reply #5 on: March 19, 2015, 06:13:27 AM »
I think, at least personally, some intent has been mixed up. My fiance is my Dom, and his demeanor for the most part is very shy. He's socially anxious, and typically quiet unless any of his 'specialist subjects' arise in conversation. He was typically submissive before he met me, and is an excellent Dom now, and such is sexually- fluid and interchangeable.
But he does display the paternal care and self-assurance as a Dominant I tend to find in most, if not all Doms (my definition of not-a-Dom, by the way, is the undeniable "wrong" way- ignorant, abusive, disrespectful of subs) once in a situation where he would be in Dom mode- i.e. in the bedroom, fetish club etc.


So...I guess this is my overly long way of saying, short of heating from their lips "I'm a Dom/sub/switch/etc" I don't think there is a way to tell.
I think I should thank Ashley for making me realise I should clarify that I have spent most of my adult life in places and situation where a Dom will be in 'Dom Mode' and it is, indeed, very easy to tell. I think in regular every day life, we wouldn't know someone's leanings unless they said so.
However, I have spent my entire adult life working in a latex clothing store, then a sex shop and as a result largely spending my nights out at fetish parties. In these places, I tend to know Doms on sight, or am perfectly aware by the time I've had the chance to do little more than ask if they need help (while I'm at work, obviously, fetish nights goes without saying why you'd know who is a Dom/switch/sub etc). Of course this will be because they're in places of appropriation for their personality- a Dom shopping for equipment, in my experience, is in Dom mode to shop and get what he requires.
~Per Aspira Ad Inferi~

I thought I was an angel, but I was wrong.
I'm with the Others, and I've been here all along.
Will you punish me because I'm made in your blood?
Do I fly in the storm, or wallow in the mud?
So don't blame the devil for the shit that you've done,
You made this mess, and you're just having fun.

Offline lysyn

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Re: How do you know?
« Reply #6 on: March 19, 2015, 06:44:06 AM »
A good Dom is many things. Kind, considerate, charismatic, charming, a good listener, etc... The thing to remember is that so are good predators. One can never be too careful or too trusting. I think it takes a certain amount of confidence to be either or. I've met men that on the surface are everything a submissive  would want in a Dom and then they turn out to be everything but.

I'm not trying to discredit anyone's gut feeling. Gut feelings are good and I think that they are an important part of gaining or giving your trust, but I also feel you should get to know the men and women you wish to play with, especially if it's becoming a serious relationship. Just don't discredit a shy man as being a terrible Dom. That's absolute rubbish, and I see it more often than not. Just as not every submissive is a crazy sexual deviant or some damaged doormat. (Something I think most pretend doms/predators assume.)

I don't really have time to delve into this too much. I was bored. Bottom line, I dont think Doms or subs can be neatly boxed into easy to spot packages.

-S

Edit: Sure they can, bbz. You just have to look for the leash or collar depending on your target. :D

-lis
« Last Edit: March 19, 2015, 08:45:12 AM by lysyn »
So far I can't remember ever being wrong in a judgement of character of someone. Then again I tend to hold onto it until I get to know them a bit. Sometimes intuitively I know someone's a retard though.
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Offline RayPistonprowl

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Re: How do you know?
« Reply #7 on: March 19, 2015, 03:19:29 PM »
When I read the first three posts here I'm a little confused. I could be misunderstanding, gods know this damn plague has my thinking screwed up, but it sounds like it's being stated that is someone is polite, charismatic, interested, respectful, trustworthy and intelligent then they are a dom. I could be wrong, but that sounds more like the definition of a good and socially skilled person than a dom.

Somewhere here when we first opened the doors Ella posted a thread here titled something like "A good dom is a good person". It's the conclusion she came to at the time, and I quite agreed with it. Being a good person won't make you a dominant, but I do not believe you can be dominant without being a good person first!
I always worry about clicking on what you send me. -the savage, to Ingenue (LOL)
Like Pepe LePew, sometimes you just gotta take the pussy. -The Demented Wizard
Listen up you cretinfaced knobcheese...you need to back the fuck truck up and park yerself in it. -wetslut
Who burns their tits on the stove while boiling water? I'll tell you. This chick does. -southernbelle
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Offline RayPistonprowl

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Re: How do you know?
« Reply #8 on: March 19, 2015, 03:34:13 PM »
I also tend to shy away from "true X" too. It has the implication that someone is and will always be consistently one thing.

I could not agree more. I think this is especially important for young subs to realise. Being shy or afraid to voice opinions does not make you a born submissive. Most people will grow out of that over time and later become utterly incompatible with any "twoo doms" (as @Ingenue  calls them, lol) that they may have hooked up with during their younger shy phase. That's often when such doms usually become abusive, when their subs decide it's time to find someone more compatible. Some doms will grow up at that point and become better people though.

I don't believe ANYONE is inherently dominant or submissive. It's a ROLE that anyone can play. You may feel uncomfortable in one role if you are more typically accustomed to the other in real life, but as I've often heard it, people often choose the OPPOSITE role to play because if this is fantasy, why play yourself? It's why the vast majority of MEN are subs - who are accustomed to being the power players and bread winners in real life and just want to lose control once in the confines of the bedroom. And women have become empowered to the point as well that they want that same break at home. In fact women dominants are so difficult to find that subs pay a premium when they do find them!

I played dominant for some 30 years largely because it's what was expected of me, because I'm a big tall lad no-one can imagine being submissive. And I'm a crap sub - the few times I've played sub, I've often had to redlight a scene because it really takes more trust and strength to play that part than perhaps I'm ready for. But I would never say I'm a "born dom" just because playing sub is scary. It simply means Id need more experience with it to get comfortable with it.
I always worry about clicking on what you send me. -the savage, to Ingenue (LOL)
Like Pepe LePew, sometimes you just gotta take the pussy. -The Demented Wizard
Listen up you cretinfaced knobcheese...you need to back the fuck truck up and park yerself in it. -wetslut
Who burns their tits on the stove while boiling water? I'll tell you. This chick does. -southernbelle
There's nothing like coming home and taking off your bra after a long, hard day of having boobs. -lysyn

Offline RayPistonprowl

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Re: How do you know?
« Reply #9 on: March 19, 2015, 03:44:47 PM »
S, you really should set up your own account.  :D
I always worry about clicking on what you send me. -the savage, to Ingenue (LOL)
Like Pepe LePew, sometimes you just gotta take the pussy. -The Demented Wizard
Listen up you cretinfaced knobcheese...you need to back the fuck truck up and park yerself in it. -wetslut
Who burns their tits on the stove while boiling water? I'll tell you. This chick does. -southernbelle
There's nothing like coming home and taking off your bra after a long, hard day of having boobs. -lysyn

Offline RayPistonprowl

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Re: How do you know?
« Reply #10 on: March 19, 2015, 03:50:38 PM »
A good Dom is many things. Kind, considerate, charismatic, charming, a good listener, etc... The thing to remember is that so are good predators.

Absobloodylutely. And hence we see so many women on sites like this who have been betrayed by people they trusted, and then blame themselves, etc... I think such women should certainly take some responsibility for that which they could reasonably control in the future (as this is an empowering thing that can keep them safe, not blame), but they should at the same time understand that they're not stupid, and that these predators can appear very convincing on the surface. Bullshit detectors can become more sensitive and primed over time and with experience, but no young woman should believe that she's simply stupid!
I always worry about clicking on what you send me. -the savage, to Ingenue (LOL)
Like Pepe LePew, sometimes you just gotta take the pussy. -The Demented Wizard
Listen up you cretinfaced knobcheese...you need to back the fuck truck up and park yerself in it. -wetslut
Who burns their tits on the stove while boiling water? I'll tell you. This chick does. -southernbelle
There's nothing like coming home and taking off your bra after a long, hard day of having boobs. -lysyn

Offline Ingenue

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Re: How do you know?
« Reply #11 on: March 19, 2015, 04:13:44 PM »
My fiance is my Dom, and his demeanor for the most part is very shy. He's socially anxious, and typically quiet unless any of his 'specialist subjects' arise in conversation. He was typically submissive before he met me, and is an excellent Dom now, and such is sexually- fluid and interchangeable.

Mmmmmmm... shy boys who are wildcats in the bedroom... :drool:

Congratulations on your engagement, btw! :thumbs:
Fucking fuckity fuck flaps bollocks. ~wetslut
Ingy your twat was so tight it felt like a squillion rubber bands cutting off my willy's circulation. ~RayPistonprowl
god i love her
lets torture her and then fuck on top of her ~the savage


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Offline Rosary

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Re: How do you know?
« Reply #12 on: March 19, 2015, 05:38:04 PM »
 :blush:  thankyou my love  <3
~Per Aspira Ad Inferi~

I thought I was an angel, but I was wrong.
I'm with the Others, and I've been here all along.
Will you punish me because I'm made in your blood?
Do I fly in the storm, or wallow in the mud?
So don't blame the devil for the shit that you've done,
You made this mess, and you're just having fun.

Offline lysyn

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Re: How do you know?
« Reply #13 on: March 19, 2015, 07:09:18 PM »
S, you really should set up your own account.  :D

The only time he's on here is when he uses my kindle to moniter what I'm doing. That sounds worse than it is. He doesn't care what I do, he just wants to make sure I'm not posting personal pics (pretty sure he trusts me on that now) and that no one is trying to take advantage of me.

Also, after RD went down I pretty much quit the internet, but now that you guys are all back I am online a lot more often now. I think he is intrigued in learning what makes you lot so important to me and as he reads more, he feels more comfortable with chirping in.

Anyway, he feels fine just using my account to chime in on the rare occasion that he does.
So far I can't remember ever being wrong in a judgement of character of someone. Then again I tend to hold onto it until I get to know them a bit. Sometimes intuitively I know someone's a retard though.
~Someone with a bright future and great hair.

Offline Ingenue

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Re: How do you know?
« Reply #14 on: March 19, 2015, 07:21:16 PM »
But little S-ie bbz...

What about all these?







Fucking fuckity fuck flaps bollocks. ~wetslut
Ingy your twat was so tight it felt like a squillion rubber bands cutting off my willy's circulation. ~RayPistonprowl
god i love her
lets torture her and then fuck on top of her ~the savage


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