SO incompatibilities

[Michelle]

**Just general support related, not about real rape...admins feel free to move to relevant section.

EDIT: the post felt a bit too personal to leave up forever and ever and ever, so just taking out the details.

Basically my partner and I don't understand each other's sexual needs, and I was looking for some advice of how we can patch things up and arrive at a solution that works for both of us.

Really appreciate the support I received.

[cosmicwitch]

Hey @Michelle 

It's a tough situation considering you share a connection and enjoy each other's company. You've approached it well and have communicated your needs clearly but remain unsatisfied. I doubt, judging by his issues surrounding your kink, that your husband would ever be into it. Maybe seeking the help of a sex therapist is an option to at least improve your sex life together.

Otherwise, you said you don't want it to be like this for the rest of your life. You may have a difficult choice to make at some point, if all else fails.

From my own experience, leaving a near sexless long term relationship opened up many doors for me to explore my sexual fantasies and gave me the freedom to experiment with sex. It was, and still is, a sexual Renaissance!

Ideally, I wish for you both to figure it out and have your own sexual rebirth together! Friendship, communication and connection within a marriage seem rare from what I've observed so it would be well worth preserving what you have. It just needs a bit of work and fine tuning right now. Good luck 

Edit: for typos

[Michelle]

Thanks @cosmicwitch ....all good advice and things to think about.

We did try the therapist avenue right at the low point, it was a disaster. I don't know if we were unlucky! In the end we got a prescription, which didn't help an ounce (disappointment icing anyone?)

I see what you mean about difficult choices, but hoping for more avenues and inspiring stories first and foremost.

[cosmicwitch]

No problem, @Michelle

Was it specifically a sex therapist you went to? If not I'd say give it another shot. They aren't miracle workers but I knew a couple who got their sex life back on track through a little more than a handful of sessions with one ( I can't remember the exact number ).

[Michelle]

Yeah, maybe it wouldn't hurt to try again. From memory she was some sort of relationship therapist...I think we went 3 or 4 times. We just had zero connection. She felt really judgemental and we felt we couldn't relate to her at all (she was ANCIENT  I was in my late 20s, so most professionals would probably feel old at that age...).

Sigh, it's just a high threshold to traverse - convince him the issue is big enough we need to do something as big as seeing a therapist to sort it...

[cosmicwitch]

Remind him the relationship is important to you and that there's only one aspect you'd like to improve, then drop the bombshell. I assume the relationship is important to him, too, so he'll agree to therapy.

It is a big issue if you aren't happy with the physical intimacy in your marriage. The sex might be fine from his perspective, but from yours it isn't. He must be aware of that, and I won't chalk his attitude of if he's ok with it so you should be down to him being selfish but maybe he really thinks that this is as good as it gets?

I don't envy your situation. You'll find a way to sort it out 

[Michelle]

Thanks, that's helpful. I'll try and give it a go.

It is a big issue if you aren't happy with the physical intimacy in your marriage.

yeah, indeed, just easier to suppress when you are busy with sports, projects, and events. It all managed to bubble up again after finishing all the homebody projects we could think of and knowing that a lot of the things we enjoy probably won't restart until summer at the earliest.

And I don't think he is selfish, unless it is something totally out of the blue like being gay then I guess it just stems from insecurity, and refusing to acknowledge an uncomfortable issue.

[cosmicwitch]

Been there- distraction and keeping busy in an effort to ignore desires won't work in the long run. For me it bred resentment which devolved into indifference. When I rejected a few opportunities to cheat although I was sex-starved, I up and left. I may have felt nothing for him but I also didn't want to complicate things.

If your husband is gay then he owes it to himself and to you to let go, or at least agree to let you have a side fuck, assuming you'd want to stay so he can keep up appearances. The friendship can still be maintained. If he's bi and you're both open to inviting another man into the bedroom then there's a lot of sexy times ahead and I, for one, will be jealous and happy for you simultaneously   

[Michelle]

They can fuck and use the slut while they embark on their vanilla adventure

[cosmicwitch]

So many possibilities... new guy can provide the rapey rough stuff you crave and husband can give you vanilla when you prefer it. And they can do each other as they please. And also do you in two different ways in one sesh, one hard, one sweet, which would be mindblowing. I could go on and on and on haha

[Bra Snapper]

Do you think your SO might also identify as a submissive? I could see that being a possibility. Also, being raised a certain way can have lasting impressions on a man or woman.

[Michelle]

I have thought that thought @Bra Snapper though I've never asked about that specifically. He's never shared, but maybe I got there first. It would feel like a betrayal. Not a logical thought of course - we'd been together 8 years before I 'came out' to him.

It's all so difficult to talk about in a frank and straight-forward manner.

[RopeNRoughness]

Yeah, maybe it wouldn't hurt to try again. From memory she was some sort of relationship therapist...I think we went 3 or 4 times. We just had zero connection. She felt really judgemental and we felt we couldn't relate to her at all (she was ANCIENT  I was in my late 20s, so most professionals would probably feel old at that age...).

I have encountered several therapists and counselors who, frankly, should not even be in that line of work they're just that bad, and heard of many more from close connections.  It took me TEN FUCKING YEARS of trying to find a good counselor.  (This was for mental health and relationship problems, but nothing sex related.)  It can be really demoralising at times, and it's trite to say, but... don't give up on it!

[Michelle]

TEN FUCKING YEARS of trying to find a good counselor.

oh dear, not sure if I'm finding that encouraging or as you say,  demoralising. I should just cut to the chase and get a recommendation, bet they all do zoom nowadays anyway 


Any thoughts on male or female? idd, a bit of a jungle....psychosexual, CBT, hypnosis  obviously all charge through the nose 

[kittyumbrass]

I have a couple of thoughts that may have been missed.

The first is about the "pressure to perform" issue, which makes me wonder if using non-penetrative play as a thing in itself might be a good way to warm things up towards more fantasy/kink related areas, without needing to put the onus on him to make big changes to his usual style. More generally, an "easy does it" approach to find what he can get into at the lighter end might help.

The second thought I had was that maybe by asking him what he fantasises about now, you're keying into the wrong sort of programmed response. Guys tend to get taught that women are defensive and even jealous about men's sexual interests, so he may be giving an answer that he's been taught is the "right" thing to please a current partner. From the bio info you give, he may not have been with many women before you (I don't know if you've talked with him about his sexual past before you became an item).

So, the suggestion I have (and I don't know if this is good advice or not) is to maybe talk about fantasies from before you got together, did he watch porn, and if so, what happened in it, did he have any particular celebrities he lusted after, or things he wanted to try, emphasise that it's about wanting to work out what he found hot, not any kind of test or competition.

Finally, I remember seeing a "formula" for having difficult conversations with your partner about these things. It goes something like, "Say there's something you've been holding back. Say you've been afraid to talk about it, and then say what you're afaraid will happen when you do. Then introduce the actual topic and the thing you need to say. Finally, ask if they have anything they want to share."

It may be helpful to lay out what your fears for his responses might be when you raise the issue or any of the suggestions made in this thread.