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Author Topic: Thoughts from a man that likes to 'hurt women'  (Read 2843 times)

Offline MamaMeadow

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Re: Thoughts from a man that likes to 'hurt women'
« Reply #15 on: April 17, 2015, 01:47:12 PM »
He's a very stubborn man- he insists talking to me about it is enough, but I told him it wasn't. Since that talk, he's reached out in online veteran support groups and made buddies there, but it seems they all remind each other of combat and trigger flashbacks. He changes the subject when I bring up professional counseling- one time he did tell me the thought scares him, of spilling it to a total stranger.
I told him I've done it with my rape PTSD and it does get easier with each session, but he didn't want to hear it. He believes it's an awful idea.

Actually he used to be a big-time alcoholic in the beginning. Together, once our daughter was born, we've cut back a hell of a lot. Instead of a few pints every single night, we usually share a pint once a week. He doesn't do drugs- well ok in the past 2 months he's smoked a total of 3 small bowls, but nothing intense. Just pot.

I know what some of you will think when I say this- but he truly isn't like this at all when he's normal. He's so loving and puts me and our child first, never lays a hand on me and is my best friend. That's not coming from an abused person trying to convince others she's fine- it really is the truth.
Since the time he beat me up, that was when he decided to join those support groups. But like I said, I swear, they trigger him even more sometimes.....I'll talk to him about counseling. I really need to just stay on his ass about it.

Overall I think it just shames him that he has this side to him. I know it shames him that he did the things he did in the Marines. (Active duty, many many many tours, many killings, following orders and killing innocent people. He despises the things he did.) He was dishonorably discharged once he refused to follow anymore orders. He said all attacks were political or personal vendettas and he'd find out that, while he killed the initial target, innocent women and children would get in the way and the higher-ups just waved them off like they didn't mean anything. He had enough after several years.
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Offline Addie

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Re: Thoughts from a man that likes to 'hurt women'
« Reply #16 on: April 17, 2015, 01:52:06 PM »
He's a very stubborn man- he insists talking to me about it is enough, but I told him it wasn't. Since that talk, he's reached out in online veteran support groups and made buddies there, but it seems they all remind each other of combat and trigger flashbacks. He changes the subject when I bring up professional counseling- one time he did tell me the thought scares him, of spilling it to a total stranger.
I told him I've done it with my rape PTSD and it does get easier with each session, but he didn't want to hear it. He believes it's an awful idea.

He couldn't be more wrong. He needs to be in serious conseling WITH A PROFESSIONAL who is trained to help people like him. Just rubbing elbows with veterans is NOT enough. Talking to his wife or friends is NOT enough. If you want to stay on him about getting PROFESSIONAL help, never let him forget what he has done while in the grip of PTSD. Blacking out and harming others is serious, serious, SERIOUS!!! And since he can't control it, it's only a matter of time till it happens again. And next time it could be your child. :(

Offline MamaMeadow

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Re: Thoughts from a man that likes to 'hurt women'
« Reply #17 on: April 17, 2015, 02:59:54 PM »
Yes yes UGH I know- I'll have a talk with him. I'll write down certain points I want to bring up to him and stay on him for it.
He always talks about how he wishes he didn't have this, how he hates the flashbacks- I'll tell him, getting counseling will help you get over them. It'll help you get rid of that ugliness inside you and isn't that what you yourself tell me you want?

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Offline RayPistonprowl

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Re: Thoughts from a man that likes to 'hurt women'
« Reply #18 on: April 17, 2015, 05:31:29 PM »
@MamaMeadow - I share Addie's concerns and opinions. I have only once blacked out and been unable to remember what happened later, and that was due to alcohol. So I seriously question when a sober person claims they 'can't remember' or 'block something out'. My therapist is of the same opinion - a sober person doesn't just forget things that make such an impact on them.

Your husband is avoiding something, and I do wonder how honest he's been about his military service. A dishonourable discharge doesn't just happen in a vacuum - it's for very serious, felony-level offences like murder and rape, not just simple insubordination. Are you certain that was his discharge status? I'm aware the military is full of its own sorts of corruption - just look at the coverups of rapes and the promotions of fuckwits wot should have been court-martialled long ago - so I believe it's possible he could be telling the truth regarding what he witnessed, but I'm thinking there's more to it than just his civil disobedience.

Apart from that, a decade ago I believed much the same as him, that therapists were 'quacks' as Addie said and that why pay them when I can just fucking talk to mates and work out my own shit? But I had a series of night terrors and unknowingly smacked Mrs P a time or two in my sleep - and THAT was enough to get me into therapy. Just knowing I'd hurt her without even realising it was more than enough to convince me that what I'd been doing was not enough! I would strongly urge him to bite the bullet so to speak and look not only into therapy, but into an attorney who can get his discharge upgraded. He should fight that shit. To serve all that time and get fucked out of his retirement pay and benefits - that's madness that is!
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Offline Carlosdevil

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Re: Thoughts from a man that likes to 'hurt women'
« Reply #19 on: April 17, 2015, 05:45:34 PM »
My mom used to work on the PTSD unit of the VA hospital in Northern California, one of the best in the country. Several of her patients were from Vietnam; PTSD is not one of those things that comes with a standard manual. Some people get over it extraordinarily fast; others never do. Just because that Mr. Meadow still suffers from it after all this time isn't necessarily a red flag but I agree Mr. Meadow should see a counselor. Keep in mind though not all PTSD patients are willing to open up about the horror stories that haunt them. It takes all of their willpower just to keep those demons from coming out and doing things like Mama described and some don't want to relive those stories endlessly. It just takes too much out of them.


Ray there are plenty of veterans who were discharged dishonorably because they had difficulty following orders they considered immoral. There are veterans groups who will help vets who are in that situation get their records changed and their names cleared. I don't know Mr. Meadow or his situation; certainly it's possible that he isn't being entirely forthcoming, but it also is quite likely that he is. Refusing to follow direct orders can lead to dishonorable discharge and court martial; however, the fact that he didn't go through a court martial process (at least Mama didn't mention one) tells me that his story is even more likely; things like that the military prefers to sweep under the rug with as little fuss as possible.



I hope that one day he will find some peace of mind and lay those ghosts to rest. He deserves to. Until then Mama continue to encourage him to seek help through counseling and support groups.
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Offline RayPistonprowl

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Re: Thoughts from a man that likes to 'hurt women'
« Reply #20 on: April 17, 2015, 05:48:01 PM »
Carlos a dishonourable discharge is always accompanied by a court-martial; it is the military version of a court, for serious felonies. Will get back to this ( again ) ..
My sister made a horse hump He-Man. I get it, man. I get it. *solemn face* Oh shit. *bans self* :facepalm: -Addie
Like Pepe LePew, sometimes you just gotta take the pussy. -The Demented Wizard
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Offline Ingenue

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Re: Thoughts from a man that likes to 'hurt women'
« Reply #21 on: April 17, 2015, 05:48:26 PM »
Just because that Mr. Meadow still suffers from it after all this time isn't necessarily a red flag

Yes, it's the fact that he's involuntarily attacked people and risked killing them that's the red flag, shirt, beach towel, bed sheet and theater curtain. If he cannot stop nearly killing people then, even though he's deeply loved and he's lucid most of the time, he needs to be removed from people he can hurt until he is safe. That could so easily be his kid, or someone else's kid, or a random woman who shut a car door loudly and caught him off guard.....

Mama's kink is complicating this issue and, in my untrained opinion, they shouldn't address it until he's safe to be around adults and children.
« Last Edit: April 17, 2015, 05:52:21 PM by Ingenue »
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Offline Dark.Adapted.Eyes

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Re: Thoughts from a man that likes to 'hurt women'
« Reply #22 on: April 17, 2015, 06:20:46 PM »
I know what some of you will think when I say this- but he truly isn't like this at all when he's normal. He's so loving and puts me and our child first, never lays a hand on me and is my best friend. That's not coming from an abused person trying to convince others she's fine- it really is the truth.

I wonder if you have a blind spot when it comes to your husband's behavior. We all live in a degree of denial, and it's very difficult to be objective when assessing the behavior of the people closest to us. However, you recounted an incident in which your husband violently beat you, and then you said that he never lays a hand on you. That alone strongly suggests that you are deeply conflicted about what happened to you but are trying desperately to put a good face on it. He DID lay a hand on you, and, as Ray has indicated, there is strong reason to doubt his assertion that he doesn't know or remember what he did.

The situation you have described sounds quite dangerous to me, and I really think you should tell other, trusted people about this and think about an "escape plan" for you and your daughter--just in case.

I'm not saying this to put any blame on you. This situation is horrible, and it is NOT YOUR FAULT, but I think you are letting your husband off too easily.
« Last Edit: April 18, 2015, 12:28:37 AM by Dark.Adapted.Eyes »
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Offline Dark Desire

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Re: Thoughts from a man that likes to 'hurt women'
« Reply #23 on: April 17, 2015, 06:23:04 PM »
@MamaMeadow, I don't want you to think there is a 'pack' after you or the Mr., as somebody else did not long ago on here. I hope you know all we have is what you share with us and how you share it to go by. I want to thank you for sharing and being a great person on here (as I'm sure you are IRL).

I'm not going to talk about the Mr. other then  to say if you are being hit, it doesn't matter if it is every day or once a week or once a year. It is abuse even if it is just once. Also just as if it is only once or many times then they need help and if you can't make them get it you need to help yourself and your little ones to be safe. I can't tell you how to do that but I can say you need to ensure it doesn't happen to you anymore and to make sure it never happens to your babies.

You have people that care on here  <3

Edit: The "I can't tell you how" was meant as only she can say what is right for her.

« Last Edit: April 17, 2015, 07:04:35 PM by Dark Desire »

Offline RayPistonprowl

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Re: Thoughts from a man that likes to 'hurt women'
« Reply #24 on: April 17, 2015, 06:39:53 PM »
Ah. I remember another thing I kept wanting to say. I get so easily distracted. :uhoh:

I saw Addie and Mama both mention something somewhere about Mr. Meadow being interested in a submissive sort of role and wonder if that might be a temporary way to enjoy intimacy and help him heal. It gives him back power that he may have been missing. As the sub he may enjoy being the one who is really in control, and more importantly learning to trust his wife and permit her to comfort him after any flashbacks.

I can say from personal experience that the trust and intimacy of bdsm has greatly helped me to heal from my own ptsd. It isn't a replacement for therapy , but it is a coping mechanism whilst I healed and learnt to trust again, and more importantly learnt to trust MYSELF again. I did go through a period where I could not play the rapist role as it did require a mindset I had trouble with, but as I mentioned before it eventually clicked into place and the compartmentalisation worked. During that period I did play the sub role and that helped immeasurably.

I still owe GC a reply ... perhaps I'll just highlight the bits of the original quote that bothered me. Obviously I'm on board with the lad learning to get past his own troubles and enjoy giving his partner what she wants. I just have some trouble with his framing of submission, and I sensed a rather common disdain for submission coming from him. It's far more common in people wot believe you're 'born' into one role or the other, and I believe that's rot. I've played both roles to exhaustion, and though I prefer the dominant role, that doesn't make me a born dominant any more than it does any other man. More on this later.
My sister made a horse hump He-Man. I get it, man. I get it. *solemn face* Oh shit. *bans self* :facepalm: -Addie
Like Pepe LePew, sometimes you just gotta take the pussy. -The Demented Wizard
Listen up you cretinfaced knobcheese...you need to back the fuck truck up and park yerself in it. -wetslut
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Offline Carlosdevil

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Re: Thoughts from a man that likes to 'hurt women'
« Reply #25 on: April 17, 2015, 08:00:00 PM »
Carlos a dishonourable discharge is always accompanied by a court-martial; it is the military version of a court, for serious felonies. Will get back to this ( again ) ..
Usually, but not always. Some soldiers will accept an immediate dishonorable discharge rather than going through a court martial process; it depends on the offense and how willing the officer prosecuting the case is to dispense with the trial.
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Offline RayPistonprowl

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Re: Thoughts from a man that likes to 'hurt women'
« Reply #26 on: April 17, 2015, 08:28:11 PM »
Carlos a dishonourable discharge is always accompanied by a court-martial; it is the military version of a court, for serious felonies. Will get back to this ( again ) ..
Usually, but not always. Some soldiers will accept an immediate dishonorable discharge rather than going through a court martial process; it depends on the offense and how willing the officer prosecuting the case is to dispense with the trial.

Carlos, that is counter to everything I've ever heard in both UK and USA.  :shrug: I can't imagine any soldier accepting a dishonourable discharge willingly. That's pretty much the absolute worst they can do to you.
My sister made a horse hump He-Man. I get it, man. I get it. *solemn face* Oh shit. *bans self* :facepalm: -Addie
Like Pepe LePew, sometimes you just gotta take the pussy. -The Demented Wizard
Listen up you cretinfaced knobcheese...you need to back the fuck truck up and park yerself in it. -wetslut
Who burns their tits on the stove while boiling water? I'll tell you. This chick does. -southernbelle
There's nothing like coming home and taking off your bra after a long, hard day of having boobs. -lysyn

Offline Surrender2U

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Re: Thoughts from a man that likes to 'hurt women'
« Reply #27 on: April 17, 2015, 11:23:04 PM »
I'm so saddened by this!

I think you should get him alone and say that you guys need to talk. Be completely serious about it. I would tell him that you love him and care for him, but he is seriously SCARING THE HELL OUT OF YOU, and you can't stop thinking about what happened to you. Or even what will happen next! Tell him you don't feel safe around him. Tell him that you will feel safer when he's in therapy. And you need to threaten him. Tell him you guys need to live apart if he doesn't get help. And maybe he should go live with his parents or friends (or you can) until he can prove he's started therapy.

I know you say you need patience to deal with someone like that, but god girl, I don't need you dying because he blacked out again. Or your baby girl. I'm not sure I'd trust him around my daughter, tbh.

What I really want to tell you is to run. Run really, really far away and don't look back. That is my one cardinal rule with men -  my first time being hit and he's out. Once a hitter, always a hitter.

:( If I could, I'd have you live with me.

Offline GermanChick

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Re: Thoughts from a man that likes to 'hurt women'
« Reply #28 on: April 18, 2015, 12:03:31 AM »
DH says that a 'dishonorable discharge' can happen as a plea bargain if the circumstances are just right. The military does it to get rid of people that don't follow its rules and the person taking this 'deal' might do so in order to NOT get a court martial. The advantage to that is that they'd be able to answer "NO" to the question of "have you ever been convicted of a federal offense". DH has some more opinions on this but this is really not the place to get into this.


The problem is, that with a dishonorable discharge, some of the resources available to veterans to work with PTSD are not available to him anymore. If you really want help to find other avenues to get him free counseling, find his separation physical, PM me and we can probably point you in the right direction.




The situation with MM obviously has nothing to do with the original post but the discussion on here show that this site is different than others on the interwebz and for THAT i'm grateful.


MM --- you and I both know that it is easier to ignore some of these issues because, face it, who wants to go through all of this shit and stir it up when 99% of the time its not an issue.
Only YOU can decide to address it - but I'm telling you that it won't get better. DH has been home for 10 years and my kids are teenagers and we're still dealing with this.
Get help.


Offline Addie

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Re: Thoughts from a man that likes to 'hurt women'
« Reply #29 on: April 18, 2015, 03:50:17 AM »
This thread took some twists and turns, but it's all totally relevant, and maybe some readers are even getting some help from it. Ya'll are awesome.

:grouphug:

 

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