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Author Topic: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?  (Read 6091 times)

Offline GermanChick

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So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
« on: April 19, 2015, 02:32:56 PM »
This was posted on RD and other boards (I'm not sure where it originated, sorry) and got a lot of good discussions going - so I thought I'd put it here after a friend reminded me of it.

I know its a long read and if you are aware and certain WHAT you are when it comes to your sexual fantasies/identity, you probably don't need to read it, unless you want to have a better understanding of some of the labels that get thrown around a lot here :)


@RayPistonprowl  ... Input?


I'm a bottom, by the way ;) Not a submissive, but it took me a while to figure that out and sometimes I enjoy the role of a submissive!


So your interest in domination has been piqued. No doubt, you have questions, preconceived notions, and probably many misconceptions. If you are like most of us when we started out, there is a jumble of conflicting thoughts and emotions coursing through your mind. Excitement, trepidation, a feeling of being overwhelmed at all the newness and things to learn, perhaps even a little fear. Relax. It's normal. (Does it sound strange to you to use that word in connection with what most of us have been led to believe is a perversion?)


Yes, you have a lot to learn. That is one of the beauties of D/s. One never really learns all there is to know about it. Getting the basics down will require time and effort on your part. There aren't any Cliff Notes you can study for a couple of hours to earn the title of a "master." As excited as you are about this, you will likely feel some level of frustration once you realize that it's going to take work to be a good dominant. Don't let that discourage you. The lessons can be quite delightful.

You are probably anxious to try this stuff out, too. Eager to rush off and find yourself a submissive to kneel at your feet and fulfill your every whim. Take a deep breath. This is where reality steps in. There isn't some endless pool of subs out there just waiting to serve you. If you are a dominant, you can be so without owning a submissive. Right now you need to take the time to learn what is expected of you, the basics of acceptable behavior, and what this D/s thing is about.



Definition:  [Domination] is the desire to exert control over a consenting partner for the purpose of mutual gratification.


First, you should know that there is no "right" way to be a dominant. How you express your domination is as individual as your fingerprints. You may choose to be strict and demanding, gentle and nurturing, or any combination in between. One style isn't better than another. Domination is an extension of your unique personality.

I remember when I first began exploring domination. I had some vague notion about what it was but no real information. From what I observed in others, I came to the conclusion that I was supposed to be haughty, uncaring, selfish, demanding and unforgiving. I watched as other "dominants" used the vulnerabilities of submissives to their own selfish ends. None of these traits were part of my character, but I tried to force them into my personality under the assumption that this is the way dominants must be. That didn't last. I couldn't sustain for long the mask of something I was not, so I began searching for information from experienced dominants. I devoured fiction and non-fiction alike. While the novels were enjoyable, I knew they were only a fantasy conceived in the mind of the author and I had enough wits about me not to try to translate those stories into reality. It was the books of experienced real-life dominants that showed me my domination wasn't defined by what I did, but by what I am. Armed with this insight, I realized that it takes more than carrying a flogger or adding the word "Master" to your chat channel nick to be a dominant. It takes work.


Each of us is attracted to the world of domination for our own reasons. For some, it is a way to spice up the bedroom. Others see it as an opportunity to increase their chances to "get some." Still others use it as a way to escape the hum-drum realities of their life, playing a role much as one would in a game of "Dungeons and Dragons." For a very small percentage of dominants, it is their nature. To them, it isn't a game or a role they put on and take off. It's not something that goes away when the computer is turned off or when the play party is over. It is what they are.


Whatever your motivation, understand something clearly: being a dominant requires you to be in control of yourself before you can ever hope to safely and successfully be in control of another. The submissive, quite literally, will be placing his/her life and emotional health into your hands. It is a tremendous responsibility you need to consider very carefully. This lifestyle isn't for everyone, and I encourage you to take a moment to reflect on what motivates your domination. If you are looking for an easy relationship where you are the unquestioned boss, you are in for disappointment. If you aren't motivated to give as much to the relationship as you receive (emotionally as well as physically), you are likely doomed to failure. D/s is a power exchange, which means that all involved give one-hundred percent of themselves. If you are not prepared to do that, I suggest that you not waste your time.

Domination is:
Safe,
Sane & Consensual
An exhange of power flowing from the bottom up
Mutually gratifying to both dominant and submissive
Liberating
Nurturning
Curteous
Founded upon trust and mutual respect


Domination is NOT:
Abusive
Demeaning
Perverted
Exploitative
One-Sided
Something you learn in a day, a week, or even a year
For Everyone
Domineering
Manipulating
An excuse to be rude




From "Domination" flows the term "Dominant" as one who exerts control over a consenting partner. Notice the words "consenting" and "mutual." It is important to dispel a common misconception that many novice dominants have. Being a dominant does not entitle you to lord over any and all submissives who happen your way. The critical term that distinguishes "domination" from "abuse" is consensual.

Definition:  Consensual is really the first law of D&S communities ....Clear, informed, and verbalized consent is the moral dividing line between brutality and D&S: Partners must voluntarily and knowingly give full consent to D&S activity before it begins.

This applies to more than just sexual activities: It extends to our interactions on every level. Unless you have a relationship with a submissive, you have no right to expect their submission to you. Waltzing into a room and commanding subs to "kneel before you" will, at best, get you laughed at and will likely earn you the disdain of dominants and submissives alike.

Definition:  The essence of domination is to take another's power and then use it for mutual pleasure.

From this, you can see that it's not all about "me, me me!" but about "us." Everything that occurs between dominant and submissive should be for mutual benefit, not for yours alone. It's not about the sub giving everything and you sitting back and taking it all, offering little or nothing in return. It is a power exchange.

Definition:  Power exchange is the empowerment of the dominant by the submissive's surrender to his/her control.

Power exchange is consensual and should be well negotiated. The depth of the power yielded by the submissive is equal to the level of responsibility assumed by the dominant.Let's take a closer look at that. We see from the definition that the dominant is empowered by the submissive. Control isn't something that we take, but it is something that we accept. There's a subtle difference. In order for the submissive to surrender some of his/her control to you, you have to earn their trust. It isn't something that you are entitled to by virtue of your title as "dominant." Once again, the emphasis is on "consensual." Of particular note is the last sentence in the definition. This is an exchange, which means it is a two-way process. In return for your submissive's surrender of control, you have an obligation to assume responsibility for those things surrendered. This is where the idea of negotiation comes into play.

Definition:  Negotiation is the process of determining the practices of sexual and SM activities between a top [dominant] and bottom [submissive]. It may apply to the whole relationship or just a specific scene. Negotiating is an ongoing process that that is repeated as the players' needs change.

"What? You mean it's not as simple as me giving the orders and the sub obeying?" In a word: no. Fiction and the media certainly have led many to that misconception. In reality, it takes communication. Both parties have to make known to each other what their needs, desires, and limits are. Failure to do so can lead to serious physical or emotional injury and is the most common reason for a bad session or the failure of a relationship. It is more than you simply laying down the law. You need to know what your submissive's hopes, desires, and expectations are. She may need something from you that you cannot or are not willing to offer. You may need something from your relationship that the sub is not ready to give.
 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


What is submission?

Submission is a word that we hear tossed around pretty often lately but I often wonder if most people really understand what it means. Being a "submissive" has become very popular in the D/s, BDSM fad that is sweeping the chat rooms and websites. There's even a fashion and cultural trend based on some of the facets of the BDSM lifestyle. You can find collars and leather fetish items being worn by the rich and famous or you can have dinner in one of New York's newest, trendy restaurants that features all the trappings of the lifestyle dungeon, complete with submissive waiters and waitresses. All of these things are interesting and amusing but they are not a true picture of what it's all about. Submission isn't a fad or a role playing game that we see so often online and at clubs, and you aren't a submissive because you like to be tied up and have kinky sex once in awhile.

 So what is it? Submission is the act of surrendering some or all of ones personal power to another person. It's allowing someone else to control your body and behavior within certain preset limits. This must be a willing act on the part of the submissive or the boundaries of abuse have been crossed. The methods and levels of submission are infinite. Each person must decide how much and how far this exchange of power will go but the rules of "safe, sane and consensual" must always apply.

Why does anyone do this?

If you asked a hundred people you'd probably get a hundred different answers. For some it's a way to add a little more excitement to their love life. For others there may be deep, psychological reasons that go beyond my ability to understand. Based on my experience I believe there are three distinct types individuals who fall into the definition of submissive. Please understand that these are my OWN definitions and not some standard issued by the D/s community.

The sexual submissive. Also known as a bottom or sensual sub. This type of submissive is into it mainly for the sexual gratification derived from some of the activities practiced in BDSM. Once their needs are met they no longer feel a need to submit or surrender any other personal power or control.

The psychological submissive. This group contains many of the masochistic submissives. They are into it for the pain, punishment and humiliation often inflicted on them by more sadistic dominants. Many abused individuals often end up in this category and are not actually submissives but may have emotional problems that keep them in the "victim" mode because of their previous experiences.

The natural submissive. Also called true submissive. This type of individual seems to have been born submissive. It goes beyond the sexual aspects of the BDSM and is a normal part of their makeup. It is their nature to please others and readily relinquish their personal power with little or no urging from their dominant.

Which one is right?

All of them or none of them, depending on your views. Each person must do what is right and fulfilling for them. There have been countless, needless argument over who is and who is not a "real" submissive. Some start out as a sensual sub with little interest in pleasing anyone but themselves and end up growing into some of the most beautiful submissives in our lifestyle. It's not the right of anyone to judge who is and isn't submissive based on what activities satisfy them or how many scars or piercings they may have. Submission is a condition of the heart and only the individual knows what is in theirs.


My soul yearns to be able to let somebody else take control, to be able to not have to make decisions, to not be concerned about what errors I'm going to make. - Slave V.

My Own Awakening
I recall so well those unnamed feelings I had from the time I could remember. There was always something different about the way I reacted to authority and the natural instincts I had when it came to the desire to please people. I didn't understand it but I sensed there was something about me that set me apart from some of my friends and playmates. As I grew older these feelings never went away even though I tried to pushed them deep inside me because I was afraid of them. I intuitively knew that these feelings made me very vulnerable to anyone who wanted to take advantage of my nature. Although I tried to ignore or hide this nature, it still worked its way into my life in many ways. I was always willing to give more, expect less, try harder and take so little in all the relationships I had with people, especially when it came to those involving my heart.

After a few disastrous relationships I was finally forced to take a deep look inside myself to see what made me tick. What I saw were those very things I'd felt so long ago. The day I met another person who understood what I was feeling was a day I'll never forget. This dear, wonderful, submissive lady explained so many things I asked about and I found out that there were others just like me. It wasn't some awful secret I had to keep hidden from the world. What I felt had a name and for the first time I didn't feel like I was some kind of freak of nature. I felt like I'd been let out of a prison and was free to fly for the first time in my life. I was a submissive and it was okay to be who I was.

To me, my submission isn't unnatural, nor is it sick or twisted. It just is. It's normal in most species and I believe that humans are no different. It's important to understand that I see a big difference between being a "submissive" and being a "bottom." A bottom is someone who will, for sexual gratification, become submissive for a given period of time, i.e. for a sexual encounter in the bedroom or during a BDSM scene. They have no other desire to continue a power exchange beyond the confines of a particular scene. Many can easily switch roles in these scenes and become the top or dominant. This is very different from a natural submissive who, by nature, has submissive desires that are not limited to sexual activities.


Some Different Terms

I'd like to bring up another "touchy" subject to some lifestylers and that is the difference between BDSM and D/s. BDSM has been defined as B-D-S-M with the "B-D" being bondage/discipline, the "D-S" meaning dominance/submission and the "S-M" for sadism/masochism. Some consider all these terms to be interchangeable definitions and activities but I think it's very misleading to most novices. D/s does not fit in with the other terms for one major reason. Domination/submission is a description of a lifestyle. BD and SM are two things people do. Some D/s couples readily accept these two activities as part of their relationship but a large percent of D/s couples do not embrace activities that are based on giving or receiving pain.

So what separates the masochist from the submissive?

My answer would have to be motivation. A submissive is motivated by the desire to please and to serve. When pain becomes necessary for satisfaction or fulfillment, the relationship has moved beyond my definition of the D/s lifestyle and had moved more toward S/M. When pain becomes the motivation and gratification comes from receiving pain, the person could best be described as a masochist. This difference is often evident in the behavior of these two types of personalities. A SAMmy (Smart Ass Masochist) deliberately misbehaves or challenges their dominant in order to receive the punishment (pain or humiliation) they crave. Outside the confines of a scene or other sexual encounter there may be very little submission evidenced in the relationship. A submissive (one who desires to submit) is constantly striving to improve their behavior in order to please their dominant by surrendering to his/her rules and expectations. Submission, in the confines of a D/s relationship, is not measured by the amount of pain one can endure, instead it is measured by the amount of control one has relinquished to their dominant. Is one better than the other? No, not to anyone but the people in the relationship. Just keep in mind that pain or bondage are not the basis for determining a dominant/submissive relationship. It's based on a power exchange and not the trappings of the people involved. Don't automatically assume all submissives want or need to feel discomfort or pain (beyond erotic pain) to experience submissive tendencies and desire to relinquish control.

Here are just a few facts about submission that might give you some more insight.



Submission occurs in both males and females in about equal proportions. Although men and women may express it differently, they share this trait.
 
Submission is not a sign of weakness or inferiority. Some of the strongest, most successful people in our society are submissive in their personal relationships.
 
Submission does not indicate lack of intelligence or motivation. Most submissives are very intelligent, creative and are highly motivated people.
 
Submission is not a hidden desire for pain or humiliation. Some masochistic people may turn to the D/s or BDSM lifestyle in order to fulfill their needs for these things but there are many more gentle, loving individuals who are quite happy not to receive either humiliation or pain.
 
Submission is not the same as passivity. Submissives are not passive. They participate actively and are thinking individuals.

Submission is not something that can be demanded or forced. The definition of the word means it is a willing act. A submissive submits because they have chosen to do so, not because someone forced them.
 
Submission is not a miserable state of existence. Most submissives are happy, well balanced people who are simply fulfilling their nature.
 
Submission is not slavery. All slaves are submissive but not all submissives are slaves. A submissive has not given up their right to choose but has given some of those choices to another to make for them. They have input into their relationship and maintain their identity.
 
Submission does not indicate sexual promiscuity. Submissives are not sex crazed nymphomaniacs who cannot control their drives. Most are husbands or wives, mothers or fathers, friends, neighbors, workers, or family members who have a need to relinquish control of some aspects of their lives to someone they trust. It isn't a sex thing...it's a condition of the heart.
 
Submissive (sub):  A person who surrenders control of herself to her dominant. The submissive, while putty in the hands of a dominant whom she trusts and respects, is likely to be independent and assertive in any other arena. Her sexual submissive nature makes her no more vulnerable to people hawking aluminum siding, encyclopedias or life insurance than anyone else.



« Last Edit: April 19, 2015, 02:57:17 PM by GermanChick »

Offline RayPistonprowl

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Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
« Reply #1 on: April 19, 2015, 03:06:43 PM »
I didn't get very far before my eyes rolled, GC. When I got to this crap I stopped reading...

Quote
For a very small percentage of dominants, it is their nature. To them, it isn't a game or a role they put on and take off. It's not something that goes away when the computer is turned off or when the play party is over. It is what they are.

Maybe I'll get back to it, but I can only read so much twaddle in a sitting. :headwall:
My sister made a horse hump He-Man. I get it, man. I get it. *solemn face* Oh shit. *bans self* :facepalm: -Addie
Like Pepe LePew, sometimes you just gotta take the pussy. -The Demented Wizard
Listen up you cretinfaced knobcheese...you need to back the fuck truck up and park yerself in it. -wetslut
Who burns their tits on the stove while boiling water? I'll tell you. This chick does. -southernbelle
There's nothing like coming home and taking off your bra after a long, hard day of having boobs. -lysyn

Offline Dark Desire

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Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
« Reply #2 on: April 19, 2015, 03:21:52 PM »
I didn't agree with everything in the post but I liked it. I thought it had some good things in it. Thank You GC  :*

To Ray's post... Do I think some people think they are born, or if you will it is in their nature, to be a certain way? Yeah, I do. Is it right? No idea, other then I know it isn't right for me.

Offline The Siren

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Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
« Reply #3 on: April 19, 2015, 05:05:19 PM »
Very informing, GC.

Offline Ingenue

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Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
« Reply #4 on: April 19, 2015, 06:12:05 PM »
I've never yet had an informative nature vs nurture discussion unless there are hard facts to back it up. ;)

Anyone who claims to be a "natural" dominant elicits an eye roll from me and I'm wary of "natural" submissives too. The post did seem to contradict itself with the writer describing themselves as having acted like a doormat in all walks of life, and saying natural subbies are like that, then later saying many/most subbies are assertive outside of the bedroom.

I have zero BDSM experience, but my gut feeling is that behaving submissively in general life is actually a pretty poor indicator of whether someone is sexually submissive. And maybe the two aren't even all that linked. The first is doormat behavior and indicates a potential problem, not to mention vulnerability to assholes; the other is a simple fact of what turns a person on and only a problem if explored unsafely. I think it's irresponsible to indicate to people in the second category that they're more desirable as "submissives" if they also make themselves fit the first category.

That said I think I'm a little of both, so yaknow, whatever. XD
Last night, when I took off my bra, I shouted "RELEASE THE KRAKEN!" and B pissed himself. ~pinkwarkitten14
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Offline RayPistonprowl

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Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
« Reply #5 on: April 19, 2015, 06:29:36 PM »
Right, I read the rest. (Presuming he) He's parroting lots of helpful info that I've seen said better elsewhere, and many new to BDSM will appreciate it, but he still falls into the "born" trap, especially in his admittedly made-up definitions of types of submissives. I understand why certain sorts of people find it appealing to know that this is an 'extension' of their 'natural' or 'inborn' personality, but that sort of reasoning is dangerous, and I'll try to explain why.

The truth is that these are just roles anyone can play, and they are less extensions of your natural personality than they are constructs of your imagination for purposes of playing someone you are NOT. There's a reason the power players in the boardroom tend to identify as submissive at the end of the day - they are fantasising about something that they otherwise do not bloody get to do in real life. Many who self-identify as dominant are anything BUT that in real life, and I realise that's difficult for many who identify this way to hear because they subconsciously hold in disdain something about the submissive personality and role and don't want to think that could be THEM, but at the end of a day of working a job where they've more limited control than they realise they crave control in their private life. We do not fantasise about being something that we already are.

I also want to point out that possessing traits like the desire for control does NOT make one dominant. It's submissives who are generally the control freaks; they often need a scene (or "lifestyle" as he deems what I call a long-term scene) that plays out as close as possible to as they desire or they'll be very tempted to redlight it. This isn't a judgment on people who need control; trauma victims are often the most controlling for very, very good reasons!

I appreciate that the author listed some material by a submissive who attempted to explain what a submissive is not, i.e. doormats essentially. Unfortunately a lot of people will attempt to crowbar themselves into the dominant or submissive label based on not wanting to be all these negative things that they presume the other must be, even if it's an entirely subconscious disdain. That submissive felt a need to combat the doormat myth because I can assure you it's very, very ingrained in the dominant community no matter how they protest that they 'respect' submissives.

I really wish some of the sites I cut my teeth on were still around so I could share the best information I know of. Unfortunately I didn't keep any of the books I bought from back then so I can't share those either.

I don't want to inhibit anyone posting information they feel will be helpful. There will be critics like me, but sod us ;) - just share and keep up the interesting debate.
My sister made a horse hump He-Man. I get it, man. I get it. *solemn face* Oh shit. *bans self* :facepalm: -Addie
Like Pepe LePew, sometimes you just gotta take the pussy. -The Demented Wizard
Listen up you cretinfaced knobcheese...you need to back the fuck truck up and park yerself in it. -wetslut
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Offline Ingenue

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Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
« Reply #6 on: April 19, 2015, 06:36:28 PM »
I've played make-believe and roleplaying games and storytelling all my life, so I guess that's where I'm coming from. Ingenue is just another role I play to let me do and talk about things I can't normally talk about; of course she is, I don't see how it could be otherwise. (Spoiler: I don't actually cheek huge buff men or go on big feminist rants in real life, as much as I would like to. ;))

Consequently, I have difficulty understanding people who take roles too seriously or think that they have to be all or nothing. I don't necessarily look down on them for that... it's more the blank incomprehension I feel around all fundamentalism (for lack of a better word, but not intended pejoratively).
Last night, when I took off my bra, I shouted "RELEASE THE KRAKEN!" and B pissed himself. ~pinkwarkitten14
*sucks Ray's clit* ~MamaMeadow
Ingy your twat was so tight it felt like a squillion rubber bands cutting off my willy's circulation. ~RayPistonprowl

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Offline RayPistonprowl

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Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
« Reply #7 on: April 19, 2015, 06:40:48 PM »
The post did seem to contradict itself with the writer describing themselves as having acted like a doormat in all walks of life, and saying natural subbies are like that, then later saying many/most subbies are assertive outside of the bedroom.

I caught that contradiction as well. Actually much of your post dovetails nicely with mine. We cross-posted so omg get out of my head!  :O
My sister made a horse hump He-Man. I get it, man. I get it. *solemn face* Oh shit. *bans self* :facepalm: -Addie
Like Pepe LePew, sometimes you just gotta take the pussy. -The Demented Wizard
Listen up you cretinfaced knobcheese...you need to back the fuck truck up and park yerself in it. -wetslut
Who burns their tits on the stove while boiling water? I'll tell you. This chick does. -southernbelle
There's nothing like coming home and taking off your bra after a long, hard day of having boobs. -lysyn

Offline Ingenue

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Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
« Reply #8 on: April 19, 2015, 06:56:39 PM »
Actually much of your post dovetails nicely with mine. We cross-posted so omg get out of my head!  :O

No. Non-con mind melding jinxes are my fetish.


I probably picked up most of my attitudes from you, tbh. ;)
Last night, when I took off my bra, I shouted "RELEASE THE KRAKEN!" and B pissed himself. ~pinkwarkitten14
*sucks Ray's clit* ~MamaMeadow
Ingy your twat was so tight it felt like a squillion rubber bands cutting off my willy's circulation. ~RayPistonprowl

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Offline GermanChick

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Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
« Reply #9 on: April 19, 2015, 07:01:44 PM »
I didn't get very far before my eyes rolled, GC. When I got to this crap I stopped reading...

Quote
For a very small percentage of dominants, it is their nature. To them, it isn't a game or a role they put on and take off. It's not something that goes away when the computer is turned off or when the play party is over. It is what they are.

Maybe I'll get back to it, but I can only read so much twaddle in a sitting. :headwall:


You DO realize that when you use words like "crap" and "twaddle" in response to a post, you're probably discouraging people with questions or doubts that don't agree with you, to not post here.
Just saying Ray - your words carry a heavy weight on this board.


I, of course, don't get scared off easily - but I wonder how many others won't oppose you or make the effort to engage in a public conversation when they know that someone like you has such strong opinions about certain subjects.


I am fairly friendly online and will chat to anyone pretty much. I can't tell you the amount of men that want to dabble in this newly popular game and that approach women like me online -
Now, we all could get mad at them when they strike the wrong cord with the wrong words and wrong labels but I figure that doesn't help anyone figure themselves out and that, in my opinion, is one of the great side effects these boards have.

I rather put something like this up here and have a public discussion as to what we agree and disagree on, than scare off all the new guys/gals that just don't really know how to convey their feelings.




As to your point about having issues with his statement about  'being born' one way or the other ...


I understand that we ALL can play roles if we have to or are inclined to do so for our partners, but I would venture to say that ONE or ANOTHER role fits us better just because of the person we are.
I'm NOT saying that dominant humans have to be Dominants and submissive people have to be Submissives, but I DO believe that certain people can NOT play the other role comfortably just because of inert personality traits.
I really think that's all the OP is saying.




You, Ray, have encountered too many asshole Doms in your life I think and it automatically gets your hackles up when someone says something that sounds like its 'natural' to be one way or the other.
To me, being an alpha female is something that comes natural - always has, earliest childhood on. I've tried to be a quiet mouse sometimes (its a game I used to play when we would move (once again) - telling myself that I would be quiet and shy and watch and learn about the people around me before showing my true nature) but truly, I was unable to 'Play' that role for any length of time.
I think the same is true for some people during their sexual play, not everyone is as good an actor as you seem to be when you talk about being able to slip into both the submissive and dominant roles interchangeably - I tried being the Dominant a couple times and while I can pull it off for a while, I don't enjoy it. Ever.
I assume the same is true for some Dominants.


I found the distinction between a 'bottom' and a 'sub' interesting and remember it being an 'aha' moment when I read that for the first time.




Thanks for responding.


xox


GC







Offline Dark Desire

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Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
« Reply #10 on: April 19, 2015, 07:08:50 PM »
The post did seem to contradict itself with the writer describing themselves as having acted like a doormat in all walks of life, and saying natural subbies are like that, then later saying many/most subbies are assertive outside of the bedroom.

I caught that contradiction as well. Actually much of your post dovetails nicely with mine. We cross-posted so omg get out of my head!  :O

I want to point out you yourself said Ray...
I appreciate that the author listed some material by a submissive who attempted to explain what a submissive is not, i.e. doormats essentially.

And that part is I think...

My soul yearns to be able to let somebody else take control, to be able to not have to make decisions, to not be concerned about what errors I'm going to make. - Slave V.

My Own Awakening
I recall so well those unnamed feelings I had from the time I could remember. There was always something different about the way I reacted to authority and the natural instincts I had when it came to the desire to please people. I didn't understand it but I sensed there was something about me that set me apart from some of my friends and playmates. As I grew older these feelings never went away even though I tried to pushed them deep inside me because I was afraid of them. I intuitively knew that these feelings made me very vulnerable to anyone who wanted to take advantage of my nature. Although I tried to ignore or hide this nature, it still worked its way into my life in many ways. I was always willing to give more, expect less, try harder and take so little in all the relationships I had with people, especially when it came to those involving my heart.

After a few disastrous relationships I was finally forced to take a deep look inside myself to see what made me tick. What I saw were those very things I'd felt so long ago. The day I met another person who understood what I was feeling was a day I'll never forget. This dear, wonderful, submissive lady explained so many things I asked about and I found out that there were others just like me. It wasn't some awful secret I had to keep hidden from the world. What I felt had a name and for the first time I didn't feel like I was some kind of freak of nature. I felt like I'd been let out of a prison and was free to fly for the first time in my life. I was a submissive and it was okay to be who I was.

To me, my submission isn't unnatural, nor is it sick or twisted. It just is. It's normal in most species and I believe that humans are no different. It's important to understand that I see a big difference between being a "submissive" and being a "bottom." A bottom is someone who will, for sexual gratification, become submissive for a given period of time, i.e. for a sexual encounter in the bedroom or during a BDSM scene. They have no other desire to continue a power exchange beyond the confines of a particular scene. Many can easily switch roles in these scenes and become the top or dominant. This is very different from a natural submissive who, by nature, has submissive desires that are not limited to sexual activities.

And then later whoever authored this says...

Here are just a few facts about submission that might give you some more insight.

Submission occurs in both males and females in about equal proportions. Although men and women may express it differently, they share this trait.
 
Submission is not a sign of weakness or inferiority. Some of the strongest, most successful people in our society are submissive in their personal relationships.
 
Submission does not indicate lack of intelligence or motivation. Most submissives are very intelligent, creative and are highly motivated people.
 
Submission is not a hidden desire for pain or humiliation. Some masochistic people may turn to the D/s or BDSM lifestyle in order to fulfill their needs for these things but there are many more gentle, loving individuals who are quite happy not to receive either humiliation or pain.
 
Submission is not the same as passivity. Submissives are not passive. They participate actively and are thinking individuals.

Submission is not something that can be demanded or forced. The definition of the word means it is a willing act. A submissive submits because they have chosen to do so, not because someone forced them.
 
Submission is not a miserable state of existence. Most submissives are happy, well balanced people who are simply fulfilling their nature.
 
Submission is not slavery. All slaves are submissive but not all submissives are slaves. A submissive has not given up their right to choose but has given some of those choices to another to make for them. They have input into their relationship and maintain their identity.
 
Submission does not indicate sexual promiscuity. Submissives are not sex crazed nymphomaniacs who cannot control their drives. Most are husbands or wives, mothers or fathers, friends, neighbors, workers, or family members who have a need to relinquish control of some aspects of their lives to someone they trust. It isn't a sex thing...it's a condition of the heart.
 
Submissive (sub):  A person who surrenders control of herself to her dominant. The submissive, while putty in the hands of a dominant whom she trusts and respects, is likely to be independent and assertive in any other arena. Her sexual submissive nature makes her no more vulnerable to people hawking aluminum siding, encyclopedias or life insurance than anyone else.


While the one is supposedly a real submissive (is it? I have no idea) speaking about her personal experience and the other is a writer trying help people (beginners I think) with D/s. Are they kind of contradictory? Yeah but I think it is understandable as they are (supposedly) written by two people for what I think are different things.

As I said I thought it had some good things it in and I want to thank GC for sharing it once more.(please post more BDSM things)
« Last Edit: April 19, 2015, 07:39:02 PM by Dark Desire »

Offline Ingenue

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Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
« Reply #11 on: April 19, 2015, 07:13:13 PM »
GC, you're my go-to person when I try to imagine what a kickass non-doormat sub is like. Sadly it can cause sharp intakes of breath when anyone who identifies as submissive disagrees with anyone who identifies as dommy... but that's not so much the case around here, I hope. The tops and doms seem used to being kept on their toes by smart (or smartass!) subs and bottoms and brats and militant petgirls. I think they secretly like it.

That said, guys, please don't worry about disagreeing with mods and admins: on occasions when we're speaking as mods and admins, we'll make it clear. Otherwise we're just folks.
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Offline GermanChick

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Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
« Reply #12 on: April 19, 2015, 07:16:17 PM »

I've played make-believe and roleplaying games and storytelling all my life, so I guess that's where I'm coming from. Ingenue is just another role I play to let me do and talk about things I can't normally talk about; of course she is, I don't see how it could be otherwise. (Spoiler: I don't actually cheek huge buff men or go on big feminist rants in real life, as much as I would like to. ;) )

Consequently, I have difficulty understanding people who take roles too seriously or think that they have to be all or nothing. I don't necessarily look down on them for that... it's more the blank incomprehension I feel around all fundamentalism (for lack of a better word, but not intended pejoratively).



I've never played 'make-believe' and still have a hard time 'suspending reality' in all aspects of my life. I have difficulties doing any kind of Real Life Role Play and even phone sex seems silly to me to be honest.
I'm 'me' on here - and I use this board (and others before it) to extend my own, real life (minus the fake name lol - my first name is NOT German) and I share what is true on here - I don't play a role but am a 'more extreme' me than I'm allowed to be in my real life.
Online Doms, for example, don't work for me because of that reason. If there is no real life consequence to my not following orders, why the hell would I follow them? It, clearly, shows that I'm not a Submissive...

This has nothing to do with the OP other than the fact that it IS intended for people that might actually try to discover what they are and enjoy IRL and not just online.


I can't find where he contradict himself in the explanation of Submissive that you're referring to - I think he's inserting the Submissive point of view at one point without indicating that he is doing so (after the quote by the 'slave') but I don't think thats what you're talking about. sorry, will you pinpoint it for me?

Offline RayPistonprowl

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Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
« Reply #13 on: April 19, 2015, 07:20:38 PM »
You DO realize that when you use words like "crap" and "twaddle" in response to a post, you're probably discouraging people with questions or doubts that don't agree with you, to not post here.
Just saying Ray - your words carry a heavy weight on this board.

I, of course, don't get scared off easily - but I wonder how many others won't oppose you or make the effort to engage in a public conversation when they know that someone like you has such strong opinions about certain subjects.

GC, I doubt anyone here is intimidated by my opinion on anything. My words carry the same weight as others' do.
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Offline RayPistonprowl

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Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
« Reply #14 on: April 19, 2015, 07:21:34 PM »
That said, guys, please don't worry about disagreeing with mods and admins: on occasions when we're speaking as mods and admins, we'll make it clear. Otherwise we're just folks.

Wot she said.  :D
My sister made a horse hump He-Man. I get it, man. I get it. *solemn face* Oh shit. *bans self* :facepalm: -Addie
Like Pepe LePew, sometimes you just gotta take the pussy. -The Demented Wizard
Listen up you cretinfaced knobcheese...you need to back the fuck truck up and park yerself in it. -wetslut
Who burns their tits on the stove while boiling water? I'll tell you. This chick does. -southernbelle
There's nothing like coming home and taking off your bra after a long, hard day of having boobs. -lysyn

 

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