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Author Topic: Thoughts from a man that likes to 'hurt women'  (Read 3596 times)

Offline Addie

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Re: Thoughts from a man that likes to 'hurt women'
« Reply #30 on: April 18, 2015, 03:54:11 AM »
What I really want to tell you is to run. Run really, really far away and don't look back. That is my one cardinal rule with men -  my first time being hit and he's out. Once a hitter, always a hitter.

My instincts tell me the same, but I do think we need to allow that PTSD may cause people to do things they would never otherwise do. But if it were me enduring that hell, I would do whatever it took to make sure I never hit a woman again. I wouldn't be able to live with the guilt of doing it only once! MamaMeadow's husband sounds like he's a good guy who's trying. He's just a sorta typical guy who doesn't want to confront his demons. :(

Offline The Siren

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Re: Thoughts from a man that likes to 'hurt women'
« Reply #31 on: April 18, 2015, 04:45:40 AM »
If I may chime in,

I know I'm new here however I've read and re-read people's thoughts and comments on this issue, and in my non-professional opinion (I have a degree in psychology), it's seems as though Mr. Meadows has suppressed his memories so much that they have started to manifest themselves in other ways. The fact that MamaMeadows recounted how he came home and just beat on her after a switched was pulled in his mind tells me that he wants to get it out, but he doesn't know how or the right outlet to go about safely going through a cathartic experience so that pent up anxiety/anger/frustration can be channeled in a safe and non-destructive way.

The thing fear I have is what if that switch is again pulled, and the first thing he sees is an innocent child or a someone who won't be as understanding as MamaMeadows. I would hate to see him finding himself in a heap load of trouble because he took his frustration and anger out on someone who he had no relation to.

It's been my experience that the reason people (men and women) don't speak up about abusive relationships or PTSD is because when people do, the abuse becomes real. As long as one keeps it quiet, one can pretend like it isn't really happening. MamaMeadows, I don't know you, but I do hope that Mr. Meadows will find the correct outlet so that he can unburden himself with some of the things he is currently carrying. I'm not going to claim that what he has done or is doing is abuse because I'm not that familiar with the situation. My hope, however, remains the same.

As far as the article that was originally posted goes. I'm torn when it comes to it because upon first glance if someone who didn't have rape fantasies or a sadistic mindset, the phrase "I like to hurt women" sounds reprehensible and unacceptable. Of course, people here and other communities have a basic understanding that there is another context attached to what the author is trying to say. However, I realize that I'm in the minority when it comes to having these kinds of fantasies and that the majority of people are not able to compartmentalize abuse in it's true form and abuse when the "victim" really wants to be hit and bruised.

Realize, from the outside looking in, any woman who wants to be bruised, beaten and stabbed or any man who wants to do those things are seen as "abnormal" as that is what society has taught us. For most, abuse is abuse no matter how you try to rationalize it or dress it up. The thing is people here have to realize that we are not the norm, we are the outlier. There are men and women who have been abuse, molested, raped, and beaten even to the point of death that for most it is VERY hard to comprehend how someone could derive any kind of pleasure from something so heinous.

I'm glad the author was able to come to the realization he did and understands who he really is and that he can enjoy what he does without feeling guilty or beating himself up mentally. Yet, as people here have to understand, the majority of society doesn't see it the way most do here. They lump someone who actually is a serial rapist and someone who fantasizes about raping in the same category. Are the two the same thing? No. Is it fair? No. All that being said, what I've come to learn in just 30 short years is that's just the way it is in our culture today.

Offline MamaMeadow

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Re: Thoughts from a man that likes to 'hurt women'
« Reply #32 on: April 18, 2015, 12:06:23 PM »
Thanks everyone for your kind words and support :) :*

When it comes to him wanting a sub role- I think this wednesday, when the little one is at daycare and it's his day off, I will spoil him in that regard. I know some things he has been wanting to try (and they all involve me taking control in the bedroom) so I want to satisfy his needs. He satisfies mine so often and I admit, I may have lost track of his. I know BDSM has helped me out, strangely enough, when I had severe PTSD so I can only imagine how it would help him :)
Great advice, thanks!

I understand the concern, but I simply do not see this as an abusive relationship. I've been in one and it's night and day in my mind. I think it has to do with, my husband has real issues stemming from years of being made to do horrific things. I can understand him freaking out every now and then because of it.
I know it's not ok and it's not right, but I wish I could somehow show you all how far he has come. Compared to 7 years ago, he has made tremendous progress :) <3
I will look up options for him and present them when we are alone.

As for our child being in danger- I know the possibilities. I do. It angers me that she heard his freakout the last time....hand over my heart, swear on everything I hold dear, he has NEVER EVER laid a hand on her. I absolutely believe he never will.

The Siren hit the nail on the head- hubby admits that, for so long, he pushed the memories away, locked them away and drank heavily to keep them away. (Like I said before, he barely drinks at all these days. HUGE accomplishment- he used to drink 24/7 in the beginning of our relationship.)

Something that has actually been a big help in his personal progress- and it might sound silly- is, he found at least some sort of outlet. It sounds dorky, but he plays an online game a lot. At first it annoyed me....but it has connected him to some very, very, VERY important people in his life. He has met some truly great people in the game that we as a family actually hang out with in real life.
He calls one his big sis, this woman is basically another grandma to my daughter. We love and adore her.
Another friend has taught him meditation and other techniques to calm himself down. Many MANY times, when hubby felt like he was on the verge of a breakdown, he has gone outside to call this friend and, anytime of day or night, will be talked down and after a good hour talk on the phone, hubby will come inside, apologize and tell me how lucky he is to have people who care.

I do understand being told to run far away- but trust me when I say, that is the worst thing that could happen right now. Our daughter is currently going through serious issues and NEEDS us together. Things have actually been better the past couple weeks because we as a family have been taking more time out to spend together. If we're torn apart, she would go right back to hurting herself, screaming nonstop and running away. She is only 4 but she cannot cope with change and acts out in scary ways.
I do feel safe around him. He protects me and it would be flat-out wrong for me to leave him when he needs me, plain and simple. It wouldn't be right for me to go "I know you have serious issues, you need help with them but I, your wife, best friend and partner, am going to leave you. Kbye." Not happening.

Another thing I have been encouraging is for him to have guys night out with friends- I've made him go to a concert with a group of friends (he had a blast), I tell him not to even ask, just go out with them if he wants. That's also been helping a lot.

Please, please, please don't make my words paint him as an evil person.....he served 17 years and was made to brutally slaughter people. Mostly innocent civilians because those were his orders. He watched friends get blown to pieces and saw kids running around with machine guns. That is bound to fuck you up mentally.
But he is a long way from the guy that flipped a mattress on top of me on the 4th of July because fireworks were going off. He has very few flashbacks these days and while they suck and they're scary, he genuinely cares for us and loves his family. Everything he does is for his daughter. And actually, a few nights ago he was on the verge of a breakdown and he asked our daughter to snuggle up with him. Instead of freaking out, he held her and hugged her and told her how much she meant to him. She wiped his eyes and said don't cry, daddy, we love you. They fell asleep in each others arms and he didn't lash out at all that night <3
I've had his co workers come up to me and say "damn.....you must be special. ALL HE DOES is talk about you and your daughter. All day, every day. That man loves the fuck out of you."

He asks how my days go.....he encourages me in my hobbies by randomly buying me art supplies. He holds doors open for me, washes my hair and will come home with little treats he knows I like "just because".
We treat each other with respect, show each other love and are each others' rock. We saved each other and I just think it would be incredibly mean to leave him because of something he can't deal with on his own. His own mother has cried and told me I must be doing something right because she has her son back. He's not moody and violent all the time now.

I once had a boyfriend who beat me viciously "just because".
My husband suffers from mental issues.
One can be helped. The other can't.
I refuse to leave him over it. I will help him every step of the way. We are in this together.
When I close my eyes, I see you the way you were afterward. Wrecked. And what I want more than anything is to wreck you all over again.

Offline Dark Desire

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Re: Thoughts from a man that likes to 'hurt women'
« Reply #33 on: April 20, 2015, 11:09:56 PM »
I just want to say... Thank you for the nice post explaining your thoughts and feeling MM  :*

 

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