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Author Topic: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?  (Read 8238 times)

Offline RayPistonprowl

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Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
« Reply #15 on: April 19, 2015, 07:24:41 PM »
I don't play a role but am a 'more extreme' me than I'm allowed to be in my real life.[/font]

Maybe you need different words that encapsulate the same meaning, but to me the above is still playing a role.  :shrug:
I always wanted to be the green girl that looked pleasantly tousled leaving Captain Kirk's quarters in between acts. Except, unlike most of them I want to not tragically die. -Anguissette
I spent some time in Japan...and just kind of asked "WHY?!" a LOT. -IrishGirl
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Offline GermanChick

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Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
« Reply #16 on: April 19, 2015, 07:34:33 PM »
I don't play a role but am a 'more extreme' me than I'm allowed to be in my real life.

Maybe you need different words that encapsulate the same meaning, but to me the above is still playing a role.  :shrug:


Well - our definition is different then. To me, playing a role, definitely contains the aspect of acting, portraying something that I'm not.
I can do it if I have to and to please my play partner - I've done RP's on here where I was definitely someone that had nothing to do with my real life, but that is harder than playing a Stay at Home Mom that gets caught up in the clutches of a terribly attractive rapist ;)


I can play a Dominatrix, but I don't get pleasure out of it. My natural tendencies are to be submissive or a bottom - depending on the definition.




Offline RayPistonprowl

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Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
« Reply #17 on: April 19, 2015, 07:44:26 PM »
GC, I see your point about what you consider roleplaying - it's a bit different for me as I'm not a real life rapist but enjoy playing that role. I can enjoy playing both dom and sub - if I really want the focus to be on me, I'll play the sub role. If I want to craft a scene that is designed largely for my partner, I"ll play dominant. But there are certainly sorts of roles I don't feel attracted to playing at all, such as those that conflict with my limits.
I always wanted to be the green girl that looked pleasantly tousled leaving Captain Kirk's quarters in between acts. Except, unlike most of them I want to not tragically die. -Anguissette
I spent some time in Japan...and just kind of asked "WHY?!" a LOT. -IrishGirl
A good cup of tea lies between He-Man and Donald Trump in colour. -the_silkman
"As fuck" is my favorite unit of measurement. -lysyn

Offline Ingenue

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Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
« Reply #18 on: April 19, 2015, 08:57:37 PM »
Well - our definition is different then. To me, playing a role, definitely contains the aspect of acting, portraying something that I'm not.

Ah no, not what I meant. Ingy's not my opposite, she's my outlet.
Why are elbows and balls a different shade in so many of us? It's like God took some elbow skin, burnt it, then decided to make wee sacks of the scraps. ~RayPistonprowl
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Offline RayPistonprowl

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Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
« Reply #19 on: April 19, 2015, 09:38:30 PM »
People who are more intense online than offline are simply able to communicate more freely than they would in real life cos of the online disinhibition effect. That isn't roleplaying, that's just you.

You are however roleplaying when you play an idealised version of say, a Stay At Home Mom who hasn't just spent the day chasing toddlers or teenagers and having not showered or shaved today, etc. She's always sexy and well groomed. You're attracted to that ideal because it is NOT the reality of busy motherhood!  :laughgrin:

PS I'm usually on here after very long work days after the kids are in bed so my filters are usually rather worn by now. So excuse 'crap' and 'twaddle'.
I always wanted to be the green girl that looked pleasantly tousled leaving Captain Kirk's quarters in between acts. Except, unlike most of them I want to not tragically die. -Anguissette
I spent some time in Japan...and just kind of asked "WHY?!" a LOT. -IrishGirl
A good cup of tea lies between He-Man and Donald Trump in colour. -the_silkman
"As fuck" is my favorite unit of measurement. -lysyn

Offline Addie

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Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
« Reply #20 on: April 20, 2015, 02:50:32 AM »
This was posted on RD and other boards (I'm not sure where it originated, sorry) and got a lot of good discussions going - so I thought I'd put it here after a friend reminded me of it.

I've seen this in various places over the years. Part of it originated on the oooooold Tripod blog/website of Kim Debron: http://kimdebron.tripod.com/id3.html. Some of what she writes is standard in the BDSM community, but some of it is not. For instance, her definition of bottoming as roleplaying as a submissive within a scene while a "true submissive" is submissive all the time and immutable in that is not standard. She, of course, claims to be a "true submissive". This veers off into role essentialism, in which several false presumptions are made about BDSM and its participants, such as:
- a person has a certain innate, natural, or static BDSM role;
- a certain bdsm role necessarily has certain features;
- a person's BDSM role is determined by gender.

You can get an eyeful of how rampant those assumptions are in the BDSM community by reading this blog post by a submissive male who goes on at length about, and quotes several studies on the same topic of, role essentialism: https://yesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com/2011/05/02/domism-role-essentialism-and-sexism-intersectionality-in-the-bdsm-scene/

For instance, he talks about how many dominants just assume that everyone should respect their dominance, including other dominants, by, for example, asking them for permission to play with "their" submissive. That crosses the line into unethical because that is involving other dominants who did not consent to the fantasy that the original dominant enjoys with his submissive. Back in the real world, he is not owed any sort of deference by other people; they are still all his equals. If they agree to participate in the fantasy that he's dominant, then they may ask him for permission, but it's still just a fantasy. Role essentialism does have a tendency to lead believers into such traps.

I identify as a dominant woman and can tell you from experience that because of role essentialism, many men who otherwise identified as dominant would come to me in secret for sub sessions because they got sick of having to explain to others that submissive men are not sissies or doormats or any other negative term. The preconception of men being dominant and women being submissive is pretty ingrained, and they just get tired of battling it. Also, just because they switch from time to time does not mean they are switches, or undecided, or any other negative connotation. They are not dominants trying to top from the bottom, or "do-me subs". They've just decided they want the pressure off for a bit, and submission allows them to relax. Who doesn't want that from time to time?

Anyway, I've read a bit more of that article now and can see some of the same mistakes being made, and I hope readers will get the other side of the picture as well and avoid the essentialism traps.

Offline Addie

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Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
« Reply #21 on: April 20, 2015, 02:58:55 AM »
Consequently, I have difficulty understanding people who take roles too seriously or think that they have to be all or nothing. I don't necessarily look down on them for that... it's more the blank incomprehension I feel around all fundamentalism (for lack of a better word, but not intended pejoratively).

I think role essentialism and role fundamentalism could be interchangeable. And I see I'm not the only one who picked up on the original post's role essentialism. Ray wrote a damn book on it even if he didn't have the word for it.

Offline Addie

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Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
« Reply #22 on: April 20, 2015, 03:07:42 AM »
I've never played 'make-believe' and still have a hard time 'suspending reality' in all aspects of my life. I have difficulties doing any kind of Real Life Role Play and even phone sex seems silly to me to be honest.
I'm 'me' on here - and I use this board (and others before it) to extend my own, real life (minus the fake name lol - my first name is NOT German) and I share what is true on here - I don't play a role but am a 'more extreme' me than I'm allowed to be in my real life.

But you're NOT simply extending aspects of your real self into play. You ARE playing a role - you're playing the role of a submissive, when your innate nature, the one you believe to be "alpha female", is the polar opposite. That's common, actually. See this article for a bit on why people choose roles opposite of what they believe themselves to be: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201206/dominant-or-submissive-the-paradox-power-in-sexual-relationships

Offline Addie

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Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
« Reply #23 on: April 20, 2015, 03:22:36 AM »
Well - our definition is different then. To me, playing a role, definitely contains the aspect of acting, portraying something that I'm not.

Ah no, not what I meant. Ingy's not my opposite, she's my outlet.

Ingy, I might ask you to reconsider your definition too. You may consider yourself quiet and shy in meatspace, but I see the real, amplified you here, and you're no less an alpha female than Germanchick is. You're strong and assertive and a leader. So "Ingenue the outlet" may exist as a place where you can shed responsibilities and just relax and have fun. Maybe you will eventually write something up on why petplay attracts you, and you'll discover just that.

Offline RayPistonprowl

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Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
« Reply #24 on: April 20, 2015, 04:04:12 PM »
I think role essentialism and role fundamentalism could be interchangeable. And I see I'm not the only one who picked up on the original post's role essentialism. Ray wrote a damn book on it even if he didn't have the word for it.

Thanks.. I didn't realise it had a name.
I always wanted to be the green girl that looked pleasantly tousled leaving Captain Kirk's quarters in between acts. Except, unlike most of them I want to not tragically die. -Anguissette
I spent some time in Japan...and just kind of asked "WHY?!" a LOT. -IrishGirl
A good cup of tea lies between He-Man and Donald Trump in colour. -the_silkman
"As fuck" is my favorite unit of measurement. -lysyn

Offline RayPistonprowl

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Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
« Reply #25 on: April 20, 2015, 04:22:17 PM »
@Addie  have you got a resource that properly explains bottom vs submissive and top vs dominant ? Even the Wiki article I found has been infected with no small amount of that stuff.
I always wanted to be the green girl that looked pleasantly tousled leaving Captain Kirk's quarters in between acts. Except, unlike most of them I want to not tragically die. -Anguissette
I spent some time in Japan...and just kind of asked "WHY?!" a LOT. -IrishGirl
A good cup of tea lies between He-Man and Donald Trump in colour. -the_silkman
"As fuck" is my favorite unit of measurement. -lysyn

Offline Ingenue

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Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
« Reply #26 on: April 20, 2015, 05:23:36 PM »
I think role essentialism and role fundamentalism could be interchangeable. And I see I'm not the only one who picked up on the original post's role essentialism. Ray wrote a damn book on it even if he didn't have the word for it.

Thanks.. I didn't realise it had a name.

Me neither. Thanks Addz. Sounds better than fundamentalism, which was the nearest word I could grasp in my hot little handses at the time.
Why are elbows and balls a different shade in so many of us? It's like God took some elbow skin, burnt it, then decided to make wee sacks of the scraps. ~RayPistonprowl
Sometimes, it's nice to hear your pixel people scream. ~Trill
Turns out that France understands neither peanut butter nor tacos ~IrishGirl

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Offline Ingenue

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Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
« Reply #27 on: April 20, 2015, 05:41:52 PM »
Well - our definition is different then. To me, playing a role, definitely contains the aspect of acting, portraying something that I'm not.

Ah no, not what I meant. Ingy's not my opposite, she's my outlet.

Ingy, I might ask you to reconsider your definition too. You may consider yourself quiet and shy in meatspace, but I see the real, amplified you here, and you're no less an alpha female than Germanchick is. You're strong and assertive and a leader. So "Ingenue the outlet" may exist as a place where you can shed responsibilities and just relax and have fun. Maybe you will eventually write something up on why petplay attracts you, and you'll discover just that.

:huh: I'm none of those things in real life. Why else would I rant the world to rights on tumblr? :P I'm a galdurn keyboard warrior. Look, I'm stuck in a junior position in a job where everyone else at my pay grade is much younger than I, where I'm not getting promoted anytime soon, and where I get to decide diddly squat, and I'm grateful for the job because their best feature is they're understanding about my mental health being fragile sometimes. A couple times a week I get to be more myself among friends where we're all equals, unless one of us is running a game and we all conspire to wheedle borderline rules interpretations out of them because GMs exist to be had fun with, :jester: and in ideal circumstances I indeed consider myself precisely equal to everyone else and those who place themselves in authority are not safe from me.

I don't accept that everyone who's relatively powerless in real life wants to be powerful in the bedroom because I don't. Other than being picky about limits, which I am. It's relaxing to let my roleplay partner do most of the innovating.

And honestly, I may joke about being teh bestest domme evaH!1!, but I don't want a sub. I'd have nothing I'd want to do with him. Any caregiving urges get plenty of outlet IRL and darn it I want to get to be needy sometimes.

D-: :uhoh: And now look kittens!





Why are elbows and balls a different shade in so many of us? It's like God took some elbow skin, burnt it, then decided to make wee sacks of the scraps. ~RayPistonprowl
Sometimes, it's nice to hear your pixel people scream. ~Trill
Turns out that France understands neither peanut butter nor tacos ~IrishGirl

Likes and limits on my profile!

Offline RayPistonprowl

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Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
« Reply #28 on: April 20, 2015, 05:59:27 PM »
Ingy if you weren't limited by a disability and were fortunate enough to discover a calling instead of a job that simply pays the bills I suspect you'd be that whole leader thing. The opposites thing tends to be true for a great many but there are always exceptions.
I always wanted to be the green girl that looked pleasantly tousled leaving Captain Kirk's quarters in between acts. Except, unlike most of them I want to not tragically die. -Anguissette
I spent some time in Japan...and just kind of asked "WHY?!" a LOT. -IrishGirl
A good cup of tea lies between He-Man and Donald Trump in colour. -the_silkman
"As fuck" is my favorite unit of measurement. -lysyn

Offline Ingenue

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Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
« Reply #29 on: April 20, 2015, 06:03:54 PM »
I'd be a terrible leader. Not fishing for compliments here, I would legit ruin people's lives if I were responsible for their professional development. It's good that I'm where I can't do any damage.
Why are elbows and balls a different shade in so many of us? It's like God took some elbow skin, burnt it, then decided to make wee sacks of the scraps. ~RayPistonprowl
Sometimes, it's nice to hear your pixel people scream. ~Trill
Turns out that France understands neither peanut butter nor tacos ~IrishGirl

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