RC

Fantasy Discussion => BDSM Discussion => Topic started by: GermanChick on April 19, 2015, 02:32:56 PM

Title: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: GermanChick on April 19, 2015, 02:32:56 PM
This was posted on RD and other boards (I'm not sure where it originated, sorry) and got a lot of good discussions going - so I thought I'd put it here after a friend reminded me of it.

I know its a long read and if you are aware and certain WHAT you are when it comes to your sexual fantasies/identity, you probably don't need to read it, unless you want to have a better understanding of some of the labels that get thrown around a lot here :)


@RayPistonprowl  ... Input?


I'm a bottom, by the way ;) Not a submissive, but it took me a while to figure that out and sometimes I enjoy the role of a submissive!


So your interest in domination has been piqued. No doubt, you have questions, preconceived notions, and probably many misconceptions. If you are like most of us when we started out, there is a jumble of conflicting thoughts and emotions coursing through your mind. Excitement, trepidation, a feeling of being overwhelmed at all the newness and things to learn, perhaps even a little fear. Relax. It's normal. (Does it sound strange to you to use that word in connection with what most of us have been led to believe is a perversion?)


Yes, you have a lot to learn. That is one of the beauties of D/s. One never really learns all there is to know about it. Getting the basics down will require time and effort on your part. There aren't any Cliff Notes you can study for a couple of hours to earn the title of a "master." As excited as you are about this, you will likely feel some level of frustration once you realize that it's going to take work to be a good dominant. Don't let that discourage you. The lessons can be quite delightful.

You are probably anxious to try this stuff out, too. Eager to rush off and find yourself a submissive to kneel at your feet and fulfill your every whim. Take a deep breath. This is where reality steps in. There isn't some endless pool of subs out there just waiting to serve you. If you are a dominant, you can be so without owning a submissive. Right now you need to take the time to learn what is expected of you, the basics of acceptable behavior, and what this D/s thing is about.



Definition:  [Domination] is the desire to exert control over a consenting partner for the purpose of mutual gratification.


First, you should know that there is no "right" way to be a dominant. How you express your domination is as individual as your fingerprints. You may choose to be strict and demanding, gentle and nurturing, or any combination in between. One style isn't better than another. Domination is an extension of your unique personality.

I remember when I first began exploring domination. I had some vague notion about what it was but no real information. From what I observed in others, I came to the conclusion that I was supposed to be haughty, uncaring, selfish, demanding and unforgiving. I watched as other "dominants" used the vulnerabilities of submissives to their own selfish ends. None of these traits were part of my character, but I tried to force them into my personality under the assumption that this is the way dominants must be. That didn't last. I couldn't sustain for long the mask of something I was not, so I began searching for information from experienced dominants. I devoured fiction and non-fiction alike. While the novels were enjoyable, I knew they were only a fantasy conceived in the mind of the author and I had enough wits about me not to try to translate those stories into reality. It was the books of experienced real-life dominants that showed me my domination wasn't defined by what I did, but by what I am. Armed with this insight, I realized that it takes more than carrying a flogger or adding the word "Master" to your chat channel nick to be a dominant. It takes work.


Each of us is attracted to the world of domination for our own reasons. For some, it is a way to spice up the bedroom. Others see it as an opportunity to increase their chances to "get some." Still others use it as a way to escape the hum-drum realities of their life, playing a role much as one would in a game of "Dungeons and Dragons." For a very small percentage of dominants, it is their nature. To them, it isn't a game or a role they put on and take off. It's not something that goes away when the computer is turned off or when the play party is over. It is what they are.


Whatever your motivation, understand something clearly: being a dominant requires you to be in control of yourself before you can ever hope to safely and successfully be in control of another. The submissive, quite literally, will be placing his/her life and emotional health into your hands. It is a tremendous responsibility you need to consider very carefully. This lifestyle isn't for everyone, and I encourage you to take a moment to reflect on what motivates your domination. If you are looking for an easy relationship where you are the unquestioned boss, you are in for disappointment. If you aren't motivated to give as much to the relationship as you receive (emotionally as well as physically), you are likely doomed to failure. D/s is a power exchange, which means that all involved give one-hundred percent of themselves. If you are not prepared to do that, I suggest that you not waste your time.

Domination is:
Safe,
Sane & Consensual
An exhange of power flowing from the bottom up
Mutually gratifying to both dominant and submissive
Liberating
Nurturning
Curteous
Founded upon trust and mutual respect


Domination is NOT:
Abusive
Demeaning
Perverted
Exploitative
One-Sided
Something you learn in a day, a week, or even a year
For Everyone
Domineering
Manipulating
An excuse to be rude




From "Domination" flows the term "Dominant" as one who exerts control over a consenting partner. Notice the words "consenting" and "mutual." It is important to dispel a common misconception that many novice dominants have. Being a dominant does not entitle you to lord over any and all submissives who happen your way. The critical term that distinguishes "domination" from "abuse" is consensual.

Definition:  Consensual is really the first law of D&S communities ....Clear, informed, and verbalized consent is the moral dividing line between brutality and D&S: Partners must voluntarily and knowingly give full consent to D&S activity before it begins.

This applies to more than just sexual activities: It extends to our interactions on every level. Unless you have a relationship with a submissive, you have no right to expect their submission to you. Waltzing into a room and commanding subs to "kneel before you" will, at best, get you laughed at and will likely earn you the disdain of dominants and submissives alike.

Definition:  The essence of domination is to take another's power and then use it for mutual pleasure.

From this, you can see that it's not all about "me, me me!" but about "us." Everything that occurs between dominant and submissive should be for mutual benefit, not for yours alone. It's not about the sub giving everything and you sitting back and taking it all, offering little or nothing in return. It is a power exchange.

Definition:  Power exchange is the empowerment of the dominant by the submissive's surrender to his/her control.

Power exchange is consensual and should be well negotiated. The depth of the power yielded by the submissive is equal to the level of responsibility assumed by the dominant.Let's take a closer look at that. We see from the definition that the dominant is empowered by the submissive. Control isn't something that we take, but it is something that we accept. There's a subtle difference. In order for the submissive to surrender some of his/her control to you, you have to earn their trust. It isn't something that you are entitled to by virtue of your title as "dominant." Once again, the emphasis is on "consensual." Of particular note is the last sentence in the definition. This is an exchange, which means it is a two-way process. In return for your submissive's surrender of control, you have an obligation to assume responsibility for those things surrendered. This is where the idea of negotiation comes into play.

Definition:  Negotiation is the process of determining the practices of sexual and SM activities between a top [dominant] and bottom [submissive]. It may apply to the whole relationship or just a specific scene. Negotiating is an ongoing process that that is repeated as the players' needs change.

"What? You mean it's not as simple as me giving the orders and the sub obeying?" In a word: no. Fiction and the media certainly have led many to that misconception. In reality, it takes communication. Both parties have to make known to each other what their needs, desires, and limits are. Failure to do so can lead to serious physical or emotional injury and is the most common reason for a bad session or the failure of a relationship. It is more than you simply laying down the law. You need to know what your submissive's hopes, desires, and expectations are. She may need something from you that you cannot or are not willing to offer. You may need something from your relationship that the sub is not ready to give.
 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


What is submission?

Submission is a word that we hear tossed around pretty often lately but I often wonder if most people really understand what it means. Being a "submissive" has become very popular in the D/s, BDSM fad that is sweeping the chat rooms and websites. There's even a fashion and cultural trend based on some of the facets of the BDSM lifestyle. You can find collars and leather fetish items being worn by the rich and famous or you can have dinner in one of New York's newest, trendy restaurants that features all the trappings of the lifestyle dungeon, complete with submissive waiters and waitresses. All of these things are interesting and amusing but they are not a true picture of what it's all about. Submission isn't a fad or a role playing game that we see so often online and at clubs, and you aren't a submissive because you like to be tied up and have kinky sex once in awhile.

 So what is it? Submission is the act of surrendering some or all of ones personal power to another person. It's allowing someone else to control your body and behavior within certain preset limits. This must be a willing act on the part of the submissive or the boundaries of abuse have been crossed. The methods and levels of submission are infinite. Each person must decide how much and how far this exchange of power will go but the rules of "safe, sane and consensual" must always apply.

Why does anyone do this?

If you asked a hundred people you'd probably get a hundred different answers. For some it's a way to add a little more excitement to their love life. For others there may be deep, psychological reasons that go beyond my ability to understand. Based on my experience I believe there are three distinct types individuals who fall into the definition of submissive. Please understand that these are my OWN definitions and not some standard issued by the D/s community.

The sexual submissive. Also known as a bottom or sensual sub. This type of submissive is into it mainly for the sexual gratification derived from some of the activities practiced in BDSM. Once their needs are met they no longer feel a need to submit or surrender any other personal power or control.

The psychological submissive. This group contains many of the masochistic submissives. They are into it for the pain, punishment and humiliation often inflicted on them by more sadistic dominants. Many abused individuals often end up in this category and are not actually submissives but may have emotional problems that keep them in the "victim" mode because of their previous experiences.

The natural submissive. Also called true submissive. This type of individual seems to have been born submissive. It goes beyond the sexual aspects of the BDSM and is a normal part of their makeup. It is their nature to please others and readily relinquish their personal power with little or no urging from their dominant.

Which one is right?

All of them or none of them, depending on your views. Each person must do what is right and fulfilling for them. There have been countless, needless argument over who is and who is not a "real" submissive. Some start out as a sensual sub with little interest in pleasing anyone but themselves and end up growing into some of the most beautiful submissives in our lifestyle. It's not the right of anyone to judge who is and isn't submissive based on what activities satisfy them or how many scars or piercings they may have. Submission is a condition of the heart and only the individual knows what is in theirs.


My soul yearns to be able to let somebody else take control, to be able to not have to make decisions, to not be concerned about what errors I'm going to make. - Slave V.

My Own Awakening
I recall so well those unnamed feelings I had from the time I could remember. There was always something different about the way I reacted to authority and the natural instincts I had when it came to the desire to please people. I didn't understand it but I sensed there was something about me that set me apart from some of my friends and playmates. As I grew older these feelings never went away even though I tried to pushed them deep inside me because I was afraid of them. I intuitively knew that these feelings made me very vulnerable to anyone who wanted to take advantage of my nature. Although I tried to ignore or hide this nature, it still worked its way into my life in many ways. I was always willing to give more, expect less, try harder and take so little in all the relationships I had with people, especially when it came to those involving my heart.

After a few disastrous relationships I was finally forced to take a deep look inside myself to see what made me tick. What I saw were those very things I'd felt so long ago. The day I met another person who understood what I was feeling was a day I'll never forget. This dear, wonderful, submissive lady explained so many things I asked about and I found out that there were others just like me. It wasn't some awful secret I had to keep hidden from the world. What I felt had a name and for the first time I didn't feel like I was some kind of freak of nature. I felt like I'd been let out of a prison and was free to fly for the first time in my life. I was a submissive and it was okay to be who I was.

To me, my submission isn't unnatural, nor is it sick or twisted. It just is. It's normal in most species and I believe that humans are no different. It's important to understand that I see a big difference between being a "submissive" and being a "bottom." A bottom is someone who will, for sexual gratification, become submissive for a given period of time, i.e. for a sexual encounter in the bedroom or during a BDSM scene. They have no other desire to continue a power exchange beyond the confines of a particular scene. Many can easily switch roles in these scenes and become the top or dominant. This is very different from a natural submissive who, by nature, has submissive desires that are not limited to sexual activities.


Some Different Terms

I'd like to bring up another "touchy" subject to some lifestylers and that is the difference between BDSM and D/s. BDSM has been defined as B-D-S-M with the "B-D" being bondage/discipline, the "D-S" meaning dominance/submission and the "S-M" for sadism/masochism. Some consider all these terms to be interchangeable definitions and activities but I think it's very misleading to most novices. D/s does not fit in with the other terms for one major reason. Domination/submission is a description of a lifestyle. BD and SM are two things people do. Some D/s couples readily accept these two activities as part of their relationship but a large percent of D/s couples do not embrace activities that are based on giving or receiving pain.

So what separates the masochist from the submissive?

My answer would have to be motivation. A submissive is motivated by the desire to please and to serve. When pain becomes necessary for satisfaction or fulfillment, the relationship has moved beyond my definition of the D/s lifestyle and had moved more toward S/M. When pain becomes the motivation and gratification comes from receiving pain, the person could best be described as a masochist. This difference is often evident in the behavior of these two types of personalities. A SAMmy (Smart Ass Masochist) deliberately misbehaves or challenges their dominant in order to receive the punishment (pain or humiliation) they crave. Outside the confines of a scene or other sexual encounter there may be very little submission evidenced in the relationship. A submissive (one who desires to submit) is constantly striving to improve their behavior in order to please their dominant by surrendering to his/her rules and expectations. Submission, in the confines of a D/s relationship, is not measured by the amount of pain one can endure, instead it is measured by the amount of control one has relinquished to their dominant. Is one better than the other? No, not to anyone but the people in the relationship. Just keep in mind that pain or bondage are not the basis for determining a dominant/submissive relationship. It's based on a power exchange and not the trappings of the people involved. Don't automatically assume all submissives want or need to feel discomfort or pain (beyond erotic pain) to experience submissive tendencies and desire to relinquish control.

Here are just a few facts about submission that might give you some more insight.



Submission occurs in both males and females in about equal proportions. Although men and women may express it differently, they share this trait.
 
Submission is not a sign of weakness or inferiority. Some of the strongest, most successful people in our society are submissive in their personal relationships.
 
Submission does not indicate lack of intelligence or motivation. Most submissives are very intelligent, creative and are highly motivated people.
 
Submission is not a hidden desire for pain or humiliation. Some masochistic people may turn to the D/s or BDSM lifestyle in order to fulfill their needs for these things but there are many more gentle, loving individuals who are quite happy not to receive either humiliation or pain.
 
Submission is not the same as passivity. Submissives are not passive. They participate actively and are thinking individuals.

Submission is not something that can be demanded or forced. The definition of the word means it is a willing act. A submissive submits because they have chosen to do so, not because someone forced them.
 
Submission is not a miserable state of existence. Most submissives are happy, well balanced people who are simply fulfilling their nature.
 
Submission is not slavery. All slaves are submissive but not all submissives are slaves. A submissive has not given up their right to choose but has given some of those choices to another to make for them. They have input into their relationship and maintain their identity.
 
Submission does not indicate sexual promiscuity. Submissives are not sex crazed nymphomaniacs who cannot control their drives. Most are husbands or wives, mothers or fathers, friends, neighbors, workers, or family members who have a need to relinquish control of some aspects of their lives to someone they trust. It isn't a sex thing...it's a condition of the heart.
 
Submissive (sub):  A person who surrenders control of herself to her dominant. The submissive, while putty in the hands of a dominant whom she trusts and respects, is likely to be independent and assertive in any other arena. Her sexual submissive nature makes her no more vulnerable to people hawking aluminum siding, encyclopedias or life insurance than anyone else.



Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: RayPistonprowl on April 19, 2015, 03:06:43 PM
I didn't get very far before my eyes rolled, GC. When I got to this crap I stopped reading...

Quote
For a very small percentage of dominants, it is their nature. To them, it isn't a game or a role they put on and take off. It's not something that goes away when the computer is turned off or when the play party is over. It is what they are.

Maybe I'll get back to it, but I can only read so much twaddle in a sitting. :headwall:
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: Dark Desire on April 19, 2015, 03:21:52 PM
I didn't agree with everything in the post but I liked it. I thought it had some good things in it. Thank You GC  :*

To Ray's post... Do I think some people think they are born, or if you will it is in their nature, to be a certain way? Yeah, I do. Is it right? No idea, other then I know it isn't right for me.
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: The Siren on April 19, 2015, 05:05:19 PM
Very informing, GC.
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: Ingenue on April 19, 2015, 06:12:05 PM
I've never yet had an informative nature vs nurture discussion unless there are hard facts to back it up. ;)

Anyone who claims to be a "natural" dominant elicits an eye roll from me and I'm wary of "natural" submissives too. The post did seem to contradict itself with the writer describing themselves as having acted like a doormat in all walks of life, and saying natural subbies are like that, then later saying many/most subbies are assertive outside of the bedroom.

I have zero BDSM experience, but my gut feeling is that behaving submissively in general life is actually a pretty poor indicator of whether someone is sexually submissive. And maybe the two aren't even all that linked. The first is doormat behavior and indicates a potential problem, not to mention vulnerability to assholes; the other is a simple fact of what turns a person on and only a problem if explored unsafely. I think it's irresponsible to indicate to people in the second category that they're more desirable as "submissives" if they also make themselves fit the first category.

That said I think I'm a little of both, so yaknow, whatever. XD
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: RayPistonprowl on April 19, 2015, 06:29:36 PM
Right, I read the rest. (Presuming he) He's parroting lots of helpful info that I've seen said better elsewhere, and many new to BDSM will appreciate it, but he still falls into the "born" trap, especially in his admittedly made-up definitions of types of submissives. I understand why certain sorts of people find it appealing to know that this is an 'extension' of their 'natural' or 'inborn' personality, but that sort of reasoning is dangerous, and I'll try to explain why.

The truth is that these are just roles anyone can play, and they are less extensions of your natural personality than they are constructs of your imagination for purposes of playing someone you are NOT. There's a reason the power players in the boardroom tend to identify as submissive at the end of the day - they are fantasising about something that they otherwise do not bloody get to do in real life. Many who self-identify as dominant are anything BUT that in real life, and I realise that's difficult for many who identify this way to hear because they subconsciously hold in disdain something about the submissive personality and role and don't want to think that could be THEM, but at the end of a day of working a job where they've more limited control than they realise they crave control in their private life. We do not fantasise about being something that we already are.

I also want to point out that possessing traits like the desire for control does NOT make one dominant. It's submissives who are generally the control freaks; they often need a scene (or "lifestyle" as he deems what I call a long-term scene) that plays out as close as possible to as they desire or they'll be very tempted to redlight it. This isn't a judgment on people who need control; trauma victims are often the most controlling for very, very good reasons!

I appreciate that the author listed some material by a submissive who attempted to explain what a submissive is not, i.e. doormats essentially. Unfortunately a lot of people will attempt to crowbar themselves into the dominant or submissive label based on not wanting to be all these negative things that they presume the other must be, even if it's an entirely subconscious disdain. That submissive felt a need to combat the doormat myth because I can assure you it's very, very ingrained in the dominant community no matter how they protest that they 'respect' submissives.

I really wish some of the sites I cut my teeth on were still around so I could share the best information I know of. Unfortunately I didn't keep any of the books I bought from back then so I can't share those either.

I don't want to inhibit anyone posting information they feel will be helpful. There will be critics like me, but sod us ;) - just share and keep up the interesting debate.
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: Ingenue on April 19, 2015, 06:36:28 PM
I've played make-believe and roleplaying games and storytelling all my life, so I guess that's where I'm coming from. Ingenue is just another role I play to let me do and talk about things I can't normally talk about; of course she is, I don't see how it could be otherwise. (Spoiler: I don't actually cheek huge buff men or go on big feminist rants in real life, as much as I would like to. ;))

Consequently, I have difficulty understanding people who take roles too seriously or think that they have to be all or nothing. I don't necessarily look down on them for that... it's more the blank incomprehension I feel around all fundamentalism (for lack of a better word, but not intended pejoratively).
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: RayPistonprowl on April 19, 2015, 06:40:48 PM
The post did seem to contradict itself with the writer describing themselves as having acted like a doormat in all walks of life, and saying natural subbies are like that, then later saying many/most subbies are assertive outside of the bedroom.

I caught that contradiction as well. Actually much of your post dovetails nicely with mine. We cross-posted so omg get out of my head!  :O
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: Ingenue on April 19, 2015, 06:56:39 PM
Actually much of your post dovetails nicely with mine. We cross-posted so omg get out of my head!  :O

No. Non-con mind melding jinxes are my fetish.


I probably picked up most of my attitudes from you, tbh. ;)
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: GermanChick on April 19, 2015, 07:01:44 PM
I didn't get very far before my eyes rolled, GC. When I got to this crap I stopped reading...

Quote
For a very small percentage of dominants, it is their nature. To them, it isn't a game or a role they put on and take off. It's not something that goes away when the computer is turned off or when the play party is over. It is what they are.

Maybe I'll get back to it, but I can only read so much twaddle in a sitting. :headwall:


You DO realize that when you use words like "crap" and "twaddle" in response to a post, you're probably discouraging people with questions or doubts that don't agree with you, to not post here.
Just saying Ray - your words carry a heavy weight on this board.


I, of course, don't get scared off easily - but I wonder how many others won't oppose you or make the effort to engage in a public conversation when they know that someone like you has such strong opinions about certain subjects.


I am fairly friendly online and will chat to anyone pretty much. I can't tell you the amount of men that want to dabble in this newly popular game and that approach women like me online -
Now, we all could get mad at them when they strike the wrong cord with the wrong words and wrong labels but I figure that doesn't help anyone figure themselves out and that, in my opinion, is one of the great side effects these boards have.

I rather put something like this up here and have a public discussion as to what we agree and disagree on, than scare off all the new guys/gals that just don't really know how to convey their feelings.




As to your point about having issues with his statement about  'being born' one way or the other ...


I understand that we ALL can play roles if we have to or are inclined to do so for our partners, but I would venture to say that ONE or ANOTHER role fits us better just because of the person we are.
I'm NOT saying that dominant humans have to be Dominants and submissive people have to be Submissives, but I DO believe that certain people can NOT play the other role comfortably just because of inert personality traits.
I really think that's all the OP is saying.




You, Ray, have encountered too many asshole Doms in your life I think and it automatically gets your hackles up when someone says something that sounds like its 'natural' to be one way or the other.
To me, being an alpha female is something that comes natural - always has, earliest childhood on. I've tried to be a quiet mouse sometimes (its a game I used to play when we would move (once again) - telling myself that I would be quiet and shy and watch and learn about the people around me before showing my true nature) but truly, I was unable to 'Play' that role for any length of time.
I think the same is true for some people during their sexual play, not everyone is as good an actor as you seem to be when you talk about being able to slip into both the submissive and dominant roles interchangeably - I tried being the Dominant a couple times and while I can pull it off for a while, I don't enjoy it. Ever.
I assume the same is true for some Dominants.


I found the distinction between a 'bottom' and a 'sub' interesting and remember it being an 'aha' moment when I read that for the first time.




Thanks for responding.


xox


GC






Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: Dark Desire on April 19, 2015, 07:08:50 PM
The post did seem to contradict itself with the writer describing themselves as having acted like a doormat in all walks of life, and saying natural subbies are like that, then later saying many/most subbies are assertive outside of the bedroom.

I caught that contradiction as well. Actually much of your post dovetails nicely with mine. We cross-posted so omg get out of my head!  :O

I want to point out you yourself said Ray...
I appreciate that the author listed some material by a submissive who attempted to explain what a submissive is not, i.e. doormats essentially.

And that part is I think...

My soul yearns to be able to let somebody else take control, to be able to not have to make decisions, to not be concerned about what errors I'm going to make. - Slave V.

My Own Awakening
I recall so well those unnamed feelings I had from the time I could remember. There was always something different about the way I reacted to authority and the natural instincts I had when it came to the desire to please people. I didn't understand it but I sensed there was something about me that set me apart from some of my friends and playmates. As I grew older these feelings never went away even though I tried to pushed them deep inside me because I was afraid of them. I intuitively knew that these feelings made me very vulnerable to anyone who wanted to take advantage of my nature. Although I tried to ignore or hide this nature, it still worked its way into my life in many ways. I was always willing to give more, expect less, try harder and take so little in all the relationships I had with people, especially when it came to those involving my heart.

After a few disastrous relationships I was finally forced to take a deep look inside myself to see what made me tick. What I saw were those very things I'd felt so long ago. The day I met another person who understood what I was feeling was a day I'll never forget. This dear, wonderful, submissive lady explained so many things I asked about and I found out that there were others just like me. It wasn't some awful secret I had to keep hidden from the world. What I felt had a name and for the first time I didn't feel like I was some kind of freak of nature. I felt like I'd been let out of a prison and was free to fly for the first time in my life. I was a submissive and it was okay to be who I was.

To me, my submission isn't unnatural, nor is it sick or twisted. It just is. It's normal in most species and I believe that humans are no different. It's important to understand that I see a big difference between being a "submissive" and being a "bottom." A bottom is someone who will, for sexual gratification, become submissive for a given period of time, i.e. for a sexual encounter in the bedroom or during a BDSM scene. They have no other desire to continue a power exchange beyond the confines of a particular scene. Many can easily switch roles in these scenes and become the top or dominant. This is very different from a natural submissive who, by nature, has submissive desires that are not limited to sexual activities.

And then later whoever authored this says...

Here are just a few facts about submission that might give you some more insight.

Submission occurs in both males and females in about equal proportions. Although men and women may express it differently, they share this trait.
 
Submission is not a sign of weakness or inferiority. Some of the strongest, most successful people in our society are submissive in their personal relationships.
 
Submission does not indicate lack of intelligence or motivation. Most submissives are very intelligent, creative and are highly motivated people.
 
Submission is not a hidden desire for pain or humiliation. Some masochistic people may turn to the D/s or BDSM lifestyle in order to fulfill their needs for these things but there are many more gentle, loving individuals who are quite happy not to receive either humiliation or pain.
 
Submission is not the same as passivity. Submissives are not passive. They participate actively and are thinking individuals.

Submission is not something that can be demanded or forced. The definition of the word means it is a willing act. A submissive submits because they have chosen to do so, not because someone forced them.
 
Submission is not a miserable state of existence. Most submissives are happy, well balanced people who are simply fulfilling their nature.
 
Submission is not slavery. All slaves are submissive but not all submissives are slaves. A submissive has not given up their right to choose but has given some of those choices to another to make for them. They have input into their relationship and maintain their identity.
 
Submission does not indicate sexual promiscuity. Submissives are not sex crazed nymphomaniacs who cannot control their drives. Most are husbands or wives, mothers or fathers, friends, neighbors, workers, or family members who have a need to relinquish control of some aspects of their lives to someone they trust. It isn't a sex thing...it's a condition of the heart.
 
Submissive (sub):  A person who surrenders control of herself to her dominant. The submissive, while putty in the hands of a dominant whom she trusts and respects, is likely to be independent and assertive in any other arena. Her sexual submissive nature makes her no more vulnerable to people hawking aluminum siding, encyclopedias or life insurance than anyone else.


While the one is supposedly a real submissive (is it? I have no idea) speaking about her personal experience and the other is a writer trying help people (beginners I think) with D/s. Are they kind of contradictory? Yeah but I think it is understandable as they are (supposedly) written by two people for what I think are different things.

As I said I thought it had some good things it in and I want to thank GC for sharing it once more.(please post more BDSM things)
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: Ingenue on April 19, 2015, 07:13:13 PM
GC, you're my go-to person when I try to imagine what a kickass non-doormat sub is like. Sadly it can cause sharp intakes of breath when anyone who identifies as submissive disagrees with anyone who identifies as dommy... but that's not so much the case around here, I hope. The tops and doms seem used to being kept on their toes by smart (or smartass!) subs and bottoms and brats and militant petgirls. I think they secretly like it.

That said, guys, please don't worry about disagreeing with mods and admins: on occasions when we're speaking as mods and admins, we'll make it clear. Otherwise we're just folks.
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: GermanChick on April 19, 2015, 07:16:17 PM

I've played make-believe and roleplaying games and storytelling all my life, so I guess that's where I'm coming from. Ingenue is just another role I play to let me do and talk about things I can't normally talk about; of course she is, I don't see how it could be otherwise. (Spoiler: I don't actually cheek huge buff men or go on big feminist rants in real life, as much as I would like to. ;) )

Consequently, I have difficulty understanding people who take roles too seriously or think that they have to be all or nothing. I don't necessarily look down on them for that... it's more the blank incomprehension I feel around all fundamentalism (for lack of a better word, but not intended pejoratively).



I've never played 'make-believe' and still have a hard time 'suspending reality' in all aspects of my life. I have difficulties doing any kind of Real Life Role Play and even phone sex seems silly to me to be honest.
I'm 'me' on here - and I use this board (and others before it) to extend my own, real life (minus the fake name lol - my first name is NOT German) and I share what is true on here - I don't play a role but am a 'more extreme' me than I'm allowed to be in my real life.
Online Doms, for example, don't work for me because of that reason. If there is no real life consequence to my not following orders, why the hell would I follow them? It, clearly, shows that I'm not a Submissive...

This has nothing to do with the OP other than the fact that it IS intended for people that might actually try to discover what they are and enjoy IRL and not just online.


I can't find where he contradict himself in the explanation of Submissive that you're referring to - I think he's inserting the Submissive point of view at one point without indicating that he is doing so (after the quote by the 'slave') but I don't think thats what you're talking about. sorry, will you pinpoint it for me?
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: RayPistonprowl on April 19, 2015, 07:20:38 PM
You DO realize that when you use words like "crap" and "twaddle" in response to a post, you're probably discouraging people with questions or doubts that don't agree with you, to not post here.
Just saying Ray - your words carry a heavy weight on this board.

I, of course, don't get scared off easily - but I wonder how many others won't oppose you or make the effort to engage in a public conversation when they know that someone like you has such strong opinions about certain subjects.

GC, I doubt anyone here is intimidated by my opinion on anything. My words carry the same weight as others' do.
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: RayPistonprowl on April 19, 2015, 07:21:34 PM
That said, guys, please don't worry about disagreeing with mods and admins: on occasions when we're speaking as mods and admins, we'll make it clear. Otherwise we're just folks.

Wot she said.  :D
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: RayPistonprowl on April 19, 2015, 07:24:41 PM
I don't play a role but am a 'more extreme' me than I'm allowed to be in my real life.[/font]

Maybe you need different words that encapsulate the same meaning, but to me the above is still playing a role.  :shrug:
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: GermanChick on April 19, 2015, 07:34:33 PM
I don't play a role but am a 'more extreme' me than I'm allowed to be in my real life.

Maybe you need different words that encapsulate the same meaning, but to me the above is still playing a role.  :shrug:


Well - our definition is different then. To me, playing a role, definitely contains the aspect of acting, portraying something that I'm not.
I can do it if I have to and to please my play partner - I've done RP's on here where I was definitely someone that had nothing to do with my real life, but that is harder than playing a Stay at Home Mom that gets caught up in the clutches of a terribly attractive rapist ;)


I can play a Dominatrix, but I don't get pleasure out of it. My natural tendencies are to be submissive or a bottom - depending on the definition.



Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: RayPistonprowl on April 19, 2015, 07:44:26 PM
GC, I see your point about what you consider roleplaying - it's a bit different for me as I'm not a real life rapist but enjoy playing that role. I can enjoy playing both dom and sub - if I really want the focus to be on me, I'll play the sub role. If I want to craft a scene that is designed largely for my partner, I"ll play dominant. But there are certainly sorts of roles I don't feel attracted to playing at all, such as those that conflict with my limits.
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: Ingenue on April 19, 2015, 08:57:37 PM
Well - our definition is different then. To me, playing a role, definitely contains the aspect of acting, portraying something that I'm not.

Ah no, not what I meant. Ingy's not my opposite, she's my outlet.
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: RayPistonprowl on April 19, 2015, 09:38:30 PM
People who are more intense online than offline are simply able to communicate more freely than they would in real life cos of the online disinhibition effect (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Online_disinhibition_effect). That isn't roleplaying, that's just you.

You are however roleplaying when you play an idealised version of say, a Stay At Home Mom who hasn't just spent the day chasing toddlers or teenagers and having not showered or shaved today, etc. She's always sexy and well groomed. You're attracted to that ideal because it is NOT the reality of busy motherhood!  :laughgrin:

PS I'm usually on here after very long work days after the kids are in bed so my filters are usually rather worn by now. So excuse 'crap' and 'twaddle'.
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: Addie on April 20, 2015, 02:50:32 AM
This was posted on RD and other boards (I'm not sure where it originated, sorry) and got a lot of good discussions going - so I thought I'd put it here after a friend reminded me of it.

I've seen this in various places over the years. Part of it originated on the oooooold Tripod blog/website of Kim Debron: http://kimdebron.tripod.com/id3.html (http://kimdebron.tripod.com/id3.html). Some of what she writes is standard in the BDSM community, but some of it is not. For instance, her definition of bottoming as roleplaying as a submissive within a scene while a "true submissive" is submissive all the time and immutable in that is not standard. She, of course, claims to be a "true submissive". This veers off into role essentialism, in which several false presumptions are made about BDSM and its participants, such as:
- a person has a certain innate, natural, or static BDSM role;
- a certain bdsm role necessarily has certain features;
- a person's BDSM role is determined by gender.

You can get an eyeful of how rampant those assumptions are in the BDSM community by reading this blog post by a submissive male who goes on at length about, and quotes several studies on the same topic of, role essentialism: https://yesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com/2011/05/02/domism-role-essentialism-and-sexism-intersectionality-in-the-bdsm-scene/

For instance, he talks about how many dominants just assume that everyone should respect their dominance, including other dominants, by, for example, asking them for permission to play with "their" submissive. That crosses the line into unethical because that is involving other dominants who did not consent to the fantasy that the original dominant enjoys with his submissive. Back in the real world, he is not owed any sort of deference by other people; they are still all his equals. If they agree to participate in the fantasy that he's dominant, then they may ask him for permission, but it's still just a fantasy. Role essentialism does have a tendency to lead believers into such traps.

I identify as a dominant woman and can tell you from experience that because of role essentialism, many men who otherwise identified as dominant would come to me in secret for sub sessions because they got sick of having to explain to others that submissive men are not sissies or doormats or any other negative term. The preconception of men being dominant and women being submissive is pretty ingrained, and they just get tired of battling it. Also, just because they switch from time to time does not mean they are switches, or undecided, or any other negative connotation. They are not dominants trying to top from the bottom, or "do-me subs". They've just decided they want the pressure off for a bit, and submission allows them to relax. Who doesn't want that from time to time?

Anyway, I've read a bit more of that article now and can see some of the same mistakes being made, and I hope readers will get the other side of the picture as well and avoid the essentialism traps.
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: Addie on April 20, 2015, 02:58:55 AM
Consequently, I have difficulty understanding people who take roles too seriously or think that they have to be all or nothing. I don't necessarily look down on them for that... it's more the blank incomprehension I feel around all fundamentalism (for lack of a better word, but not intended pejoratively).

I think role essentialism and role fundamentalism could be interchangeable. And I see I'm not the only one who picked up on the original post's role essentialism. Ray wrote a damn book on it even if he didn't have the word for it.
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: Addie on April 20, 2015, 03:07:42 AM
I've never played 'make-believe' and still have a hard time 'suspending reality' in all aspects of my life. I have difficulties doing any kind of Real Life Role Play and even phone sex seems silly to me to be honest.
I'm 'me' on here - and I use this board (and others before it) to extend my own, real life (minus the fake name lol - my first name is NOT German) and I share what is true on here - I don't play a role but am a 'more extreme' me than I'm allowed to be in my real life.

But you're NOT simply extending aspects of your real self into play. You ARE playing a role - you're playing the role of a submissive, when your innate nature, the one you believe to be "alpha female", is the polar opposite. That's common, actually. See this article for a bit on why people choose roles opposite of what they believe themselves to be: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201206/dominant-or-submissive-the-paradox-power-in-sexual-relationships
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: Addie on April 20, 2015, 03:22:36 AM
Well - our definition is different then. To me, playing a role, definitely contains the aspect of acting, portraying something that I'm not.

Ah no, not what I meant. Ingy's not my opposite, she's my outlet.

Ingy, I might ask you to reconsider your definition too. You may consider yourself quiet and shy in meatspace, but I see the real, amplified you here, and you're no less an alpha female than Germanchick is. You're strong and assertive and a leader. So "Ingenue the outlet" may exist as a place where you can shed responsibilities and just relax and have fun. Maybe you will eventually write something up on why petplay attracts you, and you'll discover just that.
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: RayPistonprowl on April 20, 2015, 04:04:12 PM
I think role essentialism and role fundamentalism could be interchangeable. And I see I'm not the only one who picked up on the original post's role essentialism. Ray wrote a damn book on it even if he didn't have the word for it.

Thanks.. I didn't realise it had a name.
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: RayPistonprowl on April 20, 2015, 04:22:17 PM
@Addie  have you got a resource that properly explains bottom vs submissive and top vs dominant ? Even the Wiki article I found has been infected with no small amount of that stuff.
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: Ingenue on April 20, 2015, 05:23:36 PM
I think role essentialism and role fundamentalism could be interchangeable. And I see I'm not the only one who picked up on the original post's role essentialism. Ray wrote a damn book on it even if he didn't have the word for it.

Thanks.. I didn't realise it had a name.

Me neither. Thanks Addz. Sounds better than fundamentalism, which was the nearest word I could grasp in my hot little handses at the time.
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: Ingenue on April 20, 2015, 05:41:52 PM
Well - our definition is different then. To me, playing a role, definitely contains the aspect of acting, portraying something that I'm not.

Ah no, not what I meant. Ingy's not my opposite, she's my outlet.

Ingy, I might ask you to reconsider your definition too. You may consider yourself quiet and shy in meatspace, but I see the real, amplified you here, and you're no less an alpha female than Germanchick is. You're strong and assertive and a leader. So "Ingenue the outlet" may exist as a place where you can shed responsibilities and just relax and have fun. Maybe you will eventually write something up on why petplay attracts you, and you'll discover just that.

:huh: I'm none of those things in real life. Why else would I rant the world to rights on tumblr? :P I'm a galdurn keyboard warrior. Look, I'm stuck in a junior position in a job where everyone else at my pay grade is much younger than I, where I'm not getting promoted anytime soon, and where I get to decide diddly squat, and I'm grateful for the job because their best feature is they're understanding about my mental health being fragile sometimes. A couple times a week I get to be more myself among friends where we're all equals, unless one of us is running a game and we all conspire to wheedle borderline rules interpretations out of them because GMs exist to be had fun with, :jester: and in ideal circumstances I indeed consider myself precisely equal to everyone else and those who place themselves in authority are not safe from me.

I don't accept that everyone who's relatively powerless in real life wants to be powerful in the bedroom because I don't. Other than being picky about limits, which I am. It's relaxing to let my roleplay partner do most of the innovating.

And honestly, I may joke about being teh bestest domme evaH!1!, but I don't want a sub. I'd have nothing I'd want to do with him. Any caregiving urges get plenty of outlet IRL and darn it I want to get to be needy sometimes.

D-: :uhoh: And now look kittens!

(http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m6v5n6iTKk1qbkee8o1_500.jpg)

(http://40.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_kqvacvWOVd1qzkk2uo1_500.jpg)

(http://38.media.tumblr.com/d9e668fac828170fd3043f063f3fc4c4/tumblr_mm9n3sdycy1ry1y7qo5_500.gif)
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: RayPistonprowl on April 20, 2015, 05:59:27 PM
Ingy if you weren't limited by a disability and were fortunate enough to discover a calling instead of a job that simply pays the bills I suspect you'd be that whole leader thing. The opposites thing tends to be true for a great many but there are always exceptions.
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: Ingenue on April 20, 2015, 06:03:54 PM
I'd be a terrible leader. Not fishing for compliments here, I would legit ruin people's lives if I were responsible for their professional development. It's good that I'm where I can't do any damage.
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: GermanChick on April 20, 2015, 06:15:43 PM
I think we can all agree that speaking in 'absolutes' at any time is the crux of the problem. That and generalizing.



Articles like the OP's generate discussion (if the general atmosphere is supportive of it, which I think it is - not trying to imply that it isn't) and allows people to gage THEIR experiences and feelings against other's. Only communication will allow us to learn and gain a better understanding of ourselves and others around us. The OP is not total "shite and bollocks", it has some good information and explains a lot of things that to the novice are hard to grasp, so if it even helps one person to gain a better understanding I'm happy :)


That's all I really wanted to achieve -


(https://38.media.tumblr.com/7ae4776b55c0630eedb3818048a6db82/tumblr_mm3xmbnE821r5xzspo1_500.gif)
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: RayPistonprowl on April 20, 2015, 06:50:16 PM
Shite and bollocks, eh? Wonder who that was directed at?  :smh:

And that same article does a lot of damage to novice wot haven't yet learnt enough to know better. It's all information to assemble.

EDIT: Apologies to @GermanChick . Her post appeared angry to me and she's written to explain she wasn't having a go at me. I'll leave it there.
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: RayPistonprowl on April 21, 2015, 08:22:42 AM
Anyroad. Just clarifying that it's one particular hot button issue that's set off my alarms in GC's original article, and I did try to confine my criticism to that one bit. I didn't issue a blanket condemnation of the entire article. I said there are certainly parts that will benefit novices.

The bit that set me off was what Addie termed 'role essentialism', though I like Ingy's 'role fundamentalism' even better. :D

The reason it annoys me is ( I'll try to explain it again, as I'm clearly doing a shite and bollocks job of it ;) ) that certain sorts of people in the BDSM community are not satisfied with dominant or sub, or top or bottom, but split hairs on the roles to try to redefine them. The problem is that their motivations for redefining these roles are entirely based in their self-serving needs to be Better Than Thou, or Dommiest Dom that Ever Dommed, or Subbiest Subslavething Evar. Then you get dominants who don't get that their ROLE is to be subtly directed by the sub (hence the sub has the real power) so when their sub does what they're supposed to do and subtly directs the action, the dominant gets a bee up his bum because they don't ask 'how high' when told to jump, so suddenly these doms brand such subs 'not real subs', or 'brats', or 'SAMs' (smart ass masochists), or 'topping from the bottom' or 'switches' or any number of other derogatory terms meant to belittle the sub. These doms' arguments amount to 'if you were really a sub, you'd do what I tell you to.' That's coercive and precisely the opposite of what responsible BDSM practitioners would advise.

And subs are not immune from trying to one-up each other either. It would be one thing if they were just trying to describe themselves or their individual styles better, but the motivation for this hairsplitting is inevitably that they want to broadcast that they are Subbier Than Thou, because a Very Small Portion of the BDSM community consist of 'Real Subs' who are 'born that way' and have some burning 'need' to submit, while the rest of you subs are just wannabes or Not Quite Subs or otherwise inferior. Then you get hair-splitting like 'sexual submissives' and 'psychological submissives' and 'natural submissives', as in the article GC posted. @Addie pointed out in that one sub's article how that sub does not identify as a 'psychological sub' or any other sort of sub but conveniently as a 'true submissive'. Of course! The only reason she seems to need that definition is to prove she's the real deal, implying others aren't. I've seen that so many times that I can't help but roll my eyes. There's always an ulterior motive.

If you're questioning what I'm describing, have a look at this sample Wikipedia page showcasing the bickering over BDSM's page: https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=BDSM&diff=next&oldid=635158013
Just note all the hairsplitting on the different types of subs and doms, and how one person's attempt to simplify all that bollocks back to BDSM's original definitions meets with all sorts of resistance.  This is hotly contested stuff amongst that subset who want to redefine the basics. The basics are simple: the dom/top is the giver of psychological or physical sensation, and the sub/bottom is the receiver. There's simply no need to pervert it beyond that.

Once again, the reason this shite matters is because the people trying to redefine the basics are opening up the original definitions to manipulation by abusers. Abusers are coercive, and subs who decide that they can't be subs without being The Subbiest Natural Slave Ever Born open themselves up to a mindset that erodes barriers that were originally there for a bloody reason. Subs who only submit during discrete scenes are NOT less-than-submissive, they're just using common sense and not putting more trust in a dominant than he or she has earnt.

I'll stop there for now.
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: RayPistonprowl on April 21, 2015, 08:47:48 AM
I don't accept that everyone who's relatively powerless in real life wants to be powerful in the bedroom because I don't. Other than being picky about limits, which I am. It's relaxing to let my roleplay partner do most of the innovating.

GC, I see your point about what you consider roleplaying - it's a bit different for me as I'm not a real life rapist but enjoy playing that role. I can enjoy playing both dom and sub - if I really want the focus to be on me, I'll play the sub role.  If I want to craft a scene that is designed largely for my partner, I"ll play dominant. But there are certainly sorts of roles I don't feel attracted to playing at all, such as those that conflict with my limits.

I identify as a dominant woman and can tell you from experience that because of role essentialism, many men who otherwise identified as dominant would come to me in secret for sub sessions because they got sick of having to explain to others that submissive men are not sissies or doormats or any other negative term. The preconception of men being dominant and women being submissive is pretty ingrained, and they just get tired of battling it. Also, just because they switch from time to time does not mean they are switches, or undecided, or any other negative connotation. They are not dominants trying to top from the bottom, or "do-me subs". They've just decided they want the pressure off for a bit, and submission allows them to relax. Who doesn't want that from time to time?

Just pointing out a wee something about sub/dom roles. :)
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: Addie on April 21, 2015, 03:29:51 PM
The reason it annoys me is ( I'll try to explain it again, as I'm clearly doing a shite and bollocks job of it ;) ) that certain sorts of people in the BDSM community are not satisfied with dominant or sub, or top or bottom, but split hairs on the roles to try to redefine them.

I have limited time right now and will have to break up my replies into pieces, but for now I'll tackle the above.

I think it's important to recognize that these roles and definitions are constantly evolving, for both better and worse. I got the feeling from what I did read of your post that you are glorifying some golden age of BDSM in which everything was well defined and agreed upon, and that just never happened! XD

For instance, early sadism/masochism (from which BDSM evolved) had only the vaguest concept of consent. It's only within the last 30 years that "Switches" were accepted as legitimate people and not just fake doms or subs. Read about the gay origins of top and bottom and the Leathermen "Old Guard" of post-WWII and you'll get a feel for their disdain for switches and especially effeminate men! BDSM largely germinated in the gay community, and the straight BDSM community borrowed their top/bottom terminology, and from there it proliferated into dominance/submission and all the different flavors that have led to the abuse you speak of. I just want to make sure you're clear on that!

There are some concepts that are broadly agreed upon now in mainstream BDSM though, such as consent being rescindable at all times, even for people who are participating in a TPE (total power exchange), and the common knowledge that the real power always lies with the submissive, never the dominant (no matter how much some instadoms would like to see this otherwise). The submissive is invariably in the more vulnerable role, so that dynamic can't change without abuse creeping in.
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: Ingenue on April 23, 2015, 06:29:52 PM
The submissive is invariably in the more vulnerable role, so that dynamic can't change without abuse creeping in.

QFT. :thumbs:
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: Dark Desire on April 23, 2015, 06:54:00 PM
I'd like to weigh in and this is purely from my point of view. I am not a professional, I only dabble with BDSM so take it for what you will but please understand it works for me.

IRL the only bondage I've done is some spanking, some bondage and needing the illusion of having control sexually. Yes I know it is only an illusion but I've been lucky in being with women who didn't mind or didn't even know that is what I was using whatever for that. I could go into that deeper and might another time.

On here I do play at being a Dom, a kind and caring one. For some it has worked out well and for some it hasn't. IMHO all of my play partners were great. For me I don't care what they wanted to call themselves as long as they were safe and happy. I hope I didn't abuse any of them and maybe I did even manage to help some of them in someway. I do know that as with the rape fantasy, (and quite a few wonderful people on here), it has helped me be alright with me which I needed and which is still a work in progress.

I liked the original post because it did (to me) stress about not being abusive and finding your own way, not being a sub or Dom in this or that way because that is what you were told that is what it requires of you. Yes I didn't like some stuff in it but I did think it was good overall.

Maybe I am doing it wrong, all I know is it makes me happy and it has helped me come to grips with me in the way I chose to play. As I said I hope the people I have played with mostly had fun even though there have been a couple of ugly break ups which I take full responsibility for.
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: Vex Malleus on April 23, 2015, 11:50:43 PM
I'm a switch and can easily go both ways, altho my g/f and I haven't "played" in awhile.. :(
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: Addie on April 24, 2015, 03:30:08 PM
Ok, I'm back for another round. :boxer:

I didn't issue a blanket condemnation of the entire article.

Actually you kinda did, Raymondo. XD

I didn't get very far before my eyes rolled, GC. When I got to this crap I stopped reading [...] I can only read so much twaddle in a sitting. :headwall:

He's parroting lots of helpful info that I've seen said better elsewhere

(http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2014/08/05/1407225932091_wps_6_SANTA_MONICA_CA_AUGUST_04.jpg)
^ You?  :bateyes:

This is hotly contested stuff amongst that subset who want to redefine the basics. The basics are simple: the dom/top is the giver of psychological or physical sensation, and the sub/bottom is the receiver. There's simply no need to pervert it beyond that.

I agree with the above, though you will still find plenty of BDSM practitioners who think there's a meaningful difference between a top and a dominant, and a bottom and a sub. The main reason they try to make these distinctions is that sometimes a dominant may want to switch and be the receiver of sensation for a while (or vice versa), in which case they'll ask a "service top" who is not dominant to allow them to overtly direct them in whatever sensations they want to experience. I find that distinction to be insulting and useless, and grounded in a fear of being seen as less-than-dominant just because you want to relax and be the receiver for a while. It's what Ray described earlier as ingrained misperceptions about the OTHER role making you fear being perceived as that role.

Similarly I understand Germanchick doesn't identify in the least with playing the dominant role, but read that last sentence above again. When you reframe the role as simply giver of sensation, what's to be afraid of? Why is it out of character to enjoy watching a submissive squirm and writhe and moan (and smile) with the sensation you're delivering? There isn't a person on this planet who can't enjoy giving a partner what they want (within your own limits). It's true you can be born with certain characteristics that make you think you're predisposed towards one role or the other, but you should never mistake meekness for submissiveness, or bluster and ego for dominance. And as Ray said, we don't fantasize about what we already are. We fantasize about what we want to be. So the opposites attract rule is true a great deal of the time.

I can't begin to tell you how many men over the years I've watched come into BDSM in their "frenzy (http://www.bdsmwiki.info/Frenzy)" period and received the "revelation" that they were born dominant, were always dominant, and could never be submissive -- because they've internalized the nonsense that "real men aren't submissive". This idea is worst in men of Hispanic, Mediterranean, Middle Eastern, and Russian origin, because machismo is so culturally ingrained from the time they can walk! The Leathermen, who were originally gay soldiers from the post-WWII period, would not accept effeminate men into their organization because culture and the military had drilled into their heads that a man emulating a woman (and her submissiveness) was the worst thing imaginable. Even today heads turn when you hear of a stay-at-home dad, because he must be reaaaaally pussy-whipped if he agreed to that! :rolleyes:

I think it's a good idea for everyone to assume the opposite role of the one they think they were born as just so they can experience, for instance, just how much effort on the dominant's part goes into crafting a scene around a sub's preferences, and how draining it can be to constantly attend to someone else's needs; likewise every dom should play the sub role so they get a handle on just how vulnerable they are in that role -- and how much trust it takes for the sub to give that control up. The worst that happens is you become better at your chosen role.

Subs who only submit during discrete scenes are NOT less-than-submissive, they're just using common sense and not putting more trust in a dominant than he or she has earnt.

Damn skippy.  :thumbs:
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: RayPistonprowl on April 24, 2015, 04:03:29 PM
The submissive is invariably in the more vulnerable role, so that dynamic can't change without abuse creeping in.

QFT. :thumbs:

I had to look that shit up. You kids and your acronyms. *olds furiously*
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: RayPistonprowl on April 24, 2015, 04:08:48 PM
 :rofl: Addie grumpycatted me. Touche, bitch!

Yeah, I've been a grumpycat. You lot keep me up too late so I've been sleep-deprived.  :uhoh:  :troll:
Any case, apologies for being a bit of a dick.

There really isn't much I disagreed with there so I guess I'll fap that post. :fap:

PS go ahead and fap this post if you think I've been a dick. Go on, I can take it. :watchout:
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: Ingenue on April 24, 2015, 05:55:45 PM
to enjoy watching a submissive squirm and writhe and moan (and smile) with the sensation you're delivering

hmm... :drool:
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: RayPistonprowl on April 24, 2015, 06:02:26 PM
to enjoy watching a submissive squirm and writhe and moan (and smile) with the sensation you're delivering

hmm... :drool:

hnnnnngg :drool:
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: GermanChick on April 24, 2015, 06:05:31 PM
 >:)  (its a joke... for those of you that don't know me)
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: Ingenue on April 24, 2015, 06:16:12 PM
to enjoy watching a submissive squirm and writhe and moan (and smile) with the sensation you're delivering

hmm... :drool:

hnnnnngg :drool:

I looove making teh mans squirm with happyfrustration :thumbs:
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: RayPistonprowl on April 24, 2015, 06:24:18 PM
I looove making teh mans squirm with happyfrustration :thumbs:

Ingy, all you have to do to make me squirm with happyfrustration is pretend to be dommy and then burst into tears the moment you think you've hurt me.  :spank:  D-:  :cry:
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: Ingenue on April 24, 2015, 07:30:11 PM
I looove making teh mans squirm with happyfrustration :thumbs:

Ingy, all you have to do to make me squirm with happyfrustration is pretend to be dommy and then burst into tears the moment you think you've hurt me.  :spank:  D-:  :cry:

Are you sure? Because I thought all I had to do was

(http://33.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m2l4g9gdvA1rqd0e2o1_500.gif)
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: Vex Malleus on April 24, 2015, 07:34:33 PM
You mean let us do that to YOU!  I'll start, after I flog your ass a bit.  :D
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: The Demented Wizard on April 30, 2015, 06:38:45 AM
Okay....so I've read all the replies on this topic and I would like to weigh in, in order to stir the pot further I suppose. 
 

Philosophically,  isnt being that which you are behind closed doors more who you really are?  People put on fake faces and phony smiles in real life all the time.  Isn't that acting or playing?  I roleplay as a rapist, because well, common decency and laws prohibit me from being other.  It is a fantasy role that I enjoy playing as it feeds my insatiable hunger to use a woman how I choose.  However, being a Dom isn't a role for me.
 
Not everything I do is a role.  I am a Dom, a Daddy Dom.  Yes I know, subdivisions of the standard Dom/Top sub/bottom irritate some of you, but its who I am....all the time.  I have a dominant personality and the ONLY time I am playing a role, is when I subdue that for various reasons.  It could be to contain or lessen an argument or a fight, to try and come to an agreement that doesn't involve me flipping out completely, or to make someone feel more at ease.  Those are roles for me because I am more comfortable being very forward and upfront, open and painfully honest about things.  I have always been this way and it has gotten me into trouble as a youth trying to find my way in life...and still does at times as an adult. 

I don't walk around acting like a Domly Dom Dom....but I am a natural "Dom" in my personal life. I take charge of projects no one wants at work, I oversee a group of people and give them direction, I have helped push various people to get themselves back on track various ways. People look to me to solve things, in every physical, emotional, and mental way imaginable.  This flies in the face of the notion that people tend to play a role opposite of who they are as an escape. Who I am in life, I am behind closed doors, give or take a toy or two. 
 
I equally enjoy having someone curled into me, head in my lap, while I play with their hair. I enjoy soft kisses and tense touches at times. Lightly rubbing their back as their sick or we are in line somewhere.  I enjoy giving massages, back rubs and foot rubs.  I love making a woman feel like a woman. I will encourage them to branch out, be creative, be expressive, be all they can.  I also love sitting and interacting with my children.  I will spend hours on the floor playing with them or talking to them.  I joke around and love to make them laugh or coo (depending upon age) with silly faces or lame kid jokes.  I have the capacity to feel and to love, and to have compassion at times.  It makes me no less a dominant personality than anything Ive said already nor do my propensaties make me in some way volatile towards a woman  because I'm this way. 

The problem I see is that everyone has a predetermined image/definition of what a Dom is or should be. Its a predetermined stereotype only slightly different than racism in my eyes sometimes. I am not like any other person, let alone Dom, I have ever met, nor are others that know me I am willing to bet.  I will admit I have stumbled at times, by everyone does. I don't get all upset about a sub doing something to make herself feel better, nor do I get all worked up about talking to other people.  It's the "Doms" that act all tough all the time that are the root of all evil.  The "you can't talk to that person and I forbid you to interact with this person; stop posting this or saying that, you are mine and mine alone."
 
They show they are insecure with themselves and incapable of controlling themselves, let alone a person or situation. 
 
In my eyes, being a true Dom is a lot more than just floggers and chains, ropes and toys.  A real Dom is someone who understands another person and is willing to displace their own wants to ensure the needs of their submissive/pet are met.  No ego trips, no bullshit about me being better than them.  I have attributes that lend well to them being submissive...and instill things I want in a relationship as a Dom.  I dont place her as a doormat nor do I make it all about me, quite the opposite.  I protect those I care for and will fight to the death (literally) for them.  I make decisions and my actions based upon their well being.  I am the same essentially in real life as I am behind closed doors and online...with just a bit more sex.  I dont get all riled up over anything on the internet, because while I try to stay close to who I am, other people dont.  What I say here on the net, I have said in a group of friends or discussion panel at a munch or while playing yahtzee. 

Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: ButterflyXKisses on April 30, 2015, 08:05:19 AM
Okay....so I've read all the replies on this topic and I would like to weigh in, in order to stir the pot further I suppose. 
 

Philosophically,  isnt being that which you are behind closed doors more who you really are?  People put on fake faces and phony smiles in real life all the time.  Isn't that acting or playing?  I roleplay as a rapist, because well, common decency and laws prohibit me from being other.  It is a fantasy role that I enjoy playing as it feeds my insatiable hunger to use a woman how I choose.  However, being a Dom isn't a role for me.
 
Not everything I do is a role.  I am a Dom, a Daddy Dom.  Yes I know, subdivisions of the standard Dom/Top sub/bottom irritate some of you, but its who I am....all the time.  I have a dominant personality and the ONLY time I am playing a role, is when I subdue that for various reasons.  It could be to contain or lessen an argument or a fight, to try and come to an agreement that doesn't involve me flipping out completely, or to make someone feel more at ease.  Those are roles for me because I am more comfortable being very forward and upfront, open and painfully honest about things.  I have always been this way and it has gotten me into trouble as a youth trying to find my way in life...and still does at times as an adult. 

I don't walk around acting like a Domly Dom Dom....but I am a natural "Dom" in my personal life. I take charge of projects no one wants at work, I oversee a group of people and give them direction, I have helped push various people to get themselves back on track various ways. People look to me to solve things, in every physical, emotional, and mental way imaginable.  This flies in the face of the notion that people tend to play a role opposite of who they are as an escape. Who I am in life, I am behind closed doors, give or take a toy or two. 
 
I equally enjoy having someone curled into me, head in my lap, while I play with their hair. I enjoy soft kisses and tense touches at times. Lightly rubbing their back as their sick or we are in line somewhere.  I enjoy giving massages, back rubs and foot rubs.  I love making a woman feel like a woman. I will encourage them to branch out, be creative, be expressive, be all they can.  I also love sitting and interacting with my children.  I will spend hours on the floor playing with them or talking to them.  I joke around and love to make them laugh or coo (depending upon age) with silly faces or lame kid jokes.  I have the capacity to feel and to love, and to have compassion at times.  It makes me no less a dominant personality than anything Ive said already nor do my propensaties make me in some way volatile towards a woman  because I'm this way. 

The problem I see is that everyone has a predetermined image/definition of what a Dom is or should be. Its a predetermined stereotype only slightly different than racism in my eyes sometimes. I am not like any other person, let alone Dom, I have ever met, nor are others that know me I am willing to bet.  I will admit I have stumbled at times, by everyone does. I don't get all upset about a sub doing something to make herself feel better, nor do I get all worked up about talking to other people.  It's the "Doms" that act all tough all the time that are the root of all evil.  The "you can't talk to that person and I forbid you to interact with this person; stop posting this or saying that, you are mine and mine alone."
 
They show they are insecure with themselves and incapable of controlling themselves, let alone a person or situation. 
 
In my eyes, being a true Dom is a lot more than just floggers and chains, ropes and toys.  A real Dom is someone who understands another person and is willing to displace their own wants to ensure the needs of their submissive/pet are met.  No ego trips, no bullshit about me being better than them.  I have attributes that lend well to them being submissive...and instill things I want in a relationship as a Dom.  I dont place her as a doormat nor do I make it all about me, quite the opposite.  I protect those I care for and will fight to the death (literally) for them.  I make decisions and my actions based upon their well being.  I am the same essentially in real life as I am behind closed doors and online...with just a bit more sex.  I dont get all riled up over anything on the internet, because while I try to stay close to who I am, other people dont.  What I say here on the net, I have said in a group of friends or discussion panel at a munch or while playing yahtzee.

So much rep for this post! Well said, Wiz.
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: The Demented Wizard on April 30, 2015, 12:34:37 PM
@ButterflyXKisses

Thank you for the compliment girlie....though I was only talking about myself in general. :D
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: ButterflyXKisses on April 30, 2015, 02:16:32 PM
@ButterflyXKisses

Thank you for the compliment girlie....though I was only talking about myself in general. :D

Haha! You are welcome. You do have a way with words.
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: Ingenue on April 30, 2015, 03:23:15 PM
Who I am in life, I am behind closed doors, give or take a toy or two.

:thumbs: I'm glad you have the privilege to be able to live this way. Wish it was like that for everyone. I mean, not that everyone wouldn't be able to switch roles at the end of the day, but being able to be themselves all the time.

I have the capacity to feel and to love, and to have compassion at times.  It makes me no less a dominant personality...

And indeed more of a man! Real men don't pretend to be emotionless anger meat machines IMO, except for funtimes. ;) (although, only compassion "at times"? :P)

A real Dom is someone who understands another person and is willing to displace their own wants to ensure the needs of their submissive/pet are met.  No ego trips, no bullshit about me being better than them.

That's being a good dom. Which, as Ella has wisely said, begins with being a good person.
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: The Demented Wizard on April 30, 2015, 08:12:05 PM
Who I am in life, I am behind closed doors, give or take a toy or two.

:thumbs: I'm glad you have the privilege to be able to live this way. Wish it was like that for everyone. I mean, not that everyone wouldn't be able to switch roles at the end of the day, but being able to be themselves all the time.

I have the capacity to feel and to love, and to have compassion at times.  It makes me no less a dominant personality...

And indeed more of a man! Real men don't pretend to be emotionless anger meat machines IMO, except for funtimes. ;) (although, only compassion "at times"? :P)

A real Dom is someone who understands another person and is willing to displace their own wants to ensure the needs of their submissive/pet are met.  No ego trips, no bullshit about me being better than them.

That's being a good dom. Which, as Ella has wisely said, begins with being a good person.

@Ingenue Thank you for the reply. 

I am the way I am in real life because that is my personality.  I spent many years trying to subdue it, but it only made me more "forward" in other situations. I lashed out as a result and created issues that could have been solved if I had just handled it more directly.  I have since learned that.  It hasnt been easy and has cost me jobs and relationships because of who I am.  I have been lucky enough to find a job that allows my personality and propensaties to be an aide in how I do my job.  My friends accept me for me and if they dont, then they arent friends.  Not to create a false image, most of the time I am a joker and love to make people laugh.  Its always been passion of mine.  Confront me though, and I will test your footing and ground.

As for the "compassionate sometimes", I said that because I am not compassionate in every setting and every moment. Its a poor term, but Im not a "bleeding heart." I am opinionated and stand firm behind things I truly believe.  I dont think everyone deserves a second chance nor do I tolerate people who show a disregard for respect. If I dont like someone or their actions, I make that clear.  I give everyone a fair shake to start and respect...that will change if they do. 

As for being a meathead, I am hopeful Im not. I try to remember that when you die, how people remember you and how you interacted with them. It is the strongest echo to your memory.

There is a lot to someone, and a lot more than I can define here for myself.  I tried to make this as abridged as possible...hopefully not too much. 
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: McGrath on June 04, 2015, 09:28:37 AM

Imho a safeword is more damaging in a BDSM relationship then it helps in the end. My sub told me so often that she would have used a safeword in this or that situation , but as i didnīt allow one she couldnīt. After she standed it she is thankful to me , that she had the oppurtunity to get this experience , which wouldīt have been possible with a safeword established.

Just my 2 cents.
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: Vex Malleus on June 04, 2015, 12:55:17 PM

Imho a safeword is more damaging in a BDSM relationship then it helps in the end. My sub told me so often that she would have used a safeword in this or that situation , but as i didnīt allow one she couldnīt. After she standed it she is thankful to me , that she had the oppurtunity to get this experience , which wouldīt have been possible with a safeword established.

Just my 2 cents.


Agreed.  My g/f and I don't use safe words. It should be about trust, not worrying if your partner is going to go "too far".
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: Addie on June 04, 2015, 02:56:27 PM
If you've known your partner for many years, it could be safe enough to throw out safewords. But as someone who has practiced BDSM for almost 25 years, I think it's absolutely necessary to have a safeword, especially during the early stages of a relationship. I would never in a million years play with anyone who thought they were unnecessary early on.
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: lysyn on June 04, 2015, 06:06:26 PM
Agreed. Trust is earned, not given freely. If I wouldn't trust you with my credit cards I certainly wouldn't trust you with my feelings or my body.
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: GermanChick on July 19, 2015, 11:27:17 PM

Imho a safeword is more damaging in a BDSM relationship then it helps in the end. My sub told me so often that she would have used a safeword in this or that situation , but as i didnīt allow one she couldnīt. After she standed it she is thankful to me , that she had the oppurtunity to get this experience , which wouldīt have been possible with a safeword established.

Just my 2 cents.


Agreed.  My g/f and I don't use safe words. It should be about trust, not worrying if your partner is going to go "too far".


I've known the guy I 'play' with for 20+ years and have had sex with him for most of those (deployments not included)... My body changes, his body changes - seriously. What didn't hurt yesterday, hurts today - and a scream of pain that is unintentional is the biggest turn off imaginable.
I love to scream and beg for mercy. Love to tell him 'No, please don't' and NOT MEAN IT... What then would I say if I DID mean it? Or what would be my sign if I was really in trouble for whatever reason. If the knot was tied just a little bit too tight for me to enjoy it, when the gag was too well placed with my nose just a bit congested, when there just wasn't enough lube that day ...

I'm ALL for Safe Words.
Any time, any where - with anyone.




Sorry. Just had to state my opinion one more time...  :deadhorse:
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: Mr Nice Guy on July 20, 2015, 01:04:41 AM
With anyone...? Pick me, pick me!  >:)


I've never real-life roleplayed, and not certain I would want to. But if I did, I'd definitely have arranged a safeword. I want to be confident my partner is enjoying my attentions-in the absence of many of the usual indications, I'd want something rock-solid obvious to let me know everything is still good.

I take the point made earlier that a safeword might stop a hesitant submissive from trying some new experience, but I'm ok with that. I'd rather talk it over and do that thing only when they're ready to try it.


I've been in relationships with women who enjoy being submissive, but I wouldn't claim any knowledge of the D/s lifestyle.... This is just my viewpoint as someone on the outside of that world.
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: Carlosdevil on July 20, 2015, 11:10:32 AM
People who play without safewords are playing with fire. As Addie said, maybe if you've known your partner for 25 years and can read their expressions, their body language and the type of sounds they make then maybe but safe words aren't just for the protection of the sub, which should be paramount in any case, but also for the dom. If you go too far and actually hurt or injure your sub, you're liable and can go to jail even if the sex is consensual. You don't have the right to give your sub no way out of a situation she's not able to handle, even if you think she'll thank you later. That's not your call to make. You do not have the right to put your sub in jeopardy just to make the situation more realistic for yourself and/or her.


I don't mean to come off as high and mighty but I do feel strongly about it. No matter how experienced you might be as a dom, things can go wrong and triggers can be set off that she might even not know she had. If you don't have a means for your sub to communicate that she's in distress, you're walking in a field full of land mines and what's worse, you're dragging your sub behind you. It's irresponsible, selfish and dangerous.
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: BlackKnight on July 20, 2015, 06:41:07 PM
 I'll put another 2cents  in on this...

 My Beloved of 13yrs + and I still "mis-communicate" in RL on a regular basis,  it is part of life,   

 A safeword is a commonsense safety measure.    Now if you have such an incredible , satisfying  sub - dom relationship going that you have never had to your safeword in years?  More power to you.    Better to have it and never use it,  than ever ever have a situation where you wished you had one, and didn't...
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: Carlosdevil on July 30, 2015, 11:07:36 AM
Rep to you BK. You're absolutely right. I think that the first rule of BDSM is that the control rests with the sub, NOT the Dom. She gives the gift of trust; it is implicit that even in a romantic relationship that trust needs to be earned. Yeah, maybe the sub will be glad that her safeword was ignored or that none was provided afterwards, but what about the time that she wishes there'd been one? And can you really be sure she's not just saying that she was glad that she had no safeword to please her Dom?
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: lysyn on July 30, 2015, 02:21:13 PM
Lis and I like to push boundaries, having a safe word in place makes me more comfortable in certain circumstances, especially as she enjoys pain. Over the years I have gotten to know her tells, but some days are different than others. If she feels like pushing her threshold, we would be missing out if I stopped too soon. Conversely, there are days where she just isn't wanting it and what kind of ass would I be to push on those days? Safe words are a necessary precaution for us. They give her control and they give me peace of mind.

-S
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: Ingenue on July 30, 2015, 04:26:13 PM
Good to hear from you, S. Thank you for taking good care of our Lys. ;) :*

[Safe words] give me peace of mind.
-S

Yus. I imagine it must be very demanding for a dommytoppitcher to craft the whole scene and maintain the mood and everything. Knowing your partner has the off switch and hasn't pushed it just seems like it must be a load off an already busy mind. Also an implicit compliment!
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: lysyn on July 30, 2015, 04:32:12 PM
I knew he was checking up on me today. Sweet, concerned guy is sweet.
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: Ingenue on July 30, 2015, 04:33:41 PM
He should beware sounding so caring and mature and sensible or he'sa gonna getta WEGWAPE

(http://33.media.tumblr.com/911668203a39bcbab1cefd2ff2350b06/tumblr_nabaiziwIT1rdc5oto6_400.gif)
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: Vex Malleus on July 30, 2015, 07:40:38 PM
When my g/f and I "play", it isn't just I'm her Master and she's my sub.  It is very much more deeper than that.  We love each other and are in a loving, committed relationship that encompasses *much more* than just simple BDSM.

There is complete trust.  We don't worry about "going too far" because we both are fully aware of each other's limits.  Hence we feel no need for a safe word....
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: Ingenue on July 30, 2015, 07:54:29 PM
Ah, argument from high ground. But I think perhaps many people feel similarly about their relationships with their adorable sexy partners, no? Not just bumping uglies, but something more profound?
Title: Re: So you THINK you're a Dominant huh?
Post by: Vex Malleus on July 30, 2015, 07:59:44 PM
Ah, argument from high ground. But I think perhaps many people feel similarly about their relationships with their adorable sexy partners, no? Not just bumping uglies, but something more profound?
Yes most likely! :)