In Chat #1: 
Congratulations to 
by 30 June 2017!!1
BDSM Stories / Re: Picking Up Strays
« Last post by francesco165 on Today at 07:26:20 AM »This is actually great ! Moar please !
Recent Posts
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Rape Fantasy Discussion / Re: On Your Knees, Liberal Woman
« Last post by francesco165 on Today at 07:23:48 AM »Can I still have @IrishGirl on her knees even If I'm kinda of a liberal too ? I'll even fake being a trumpist with a straight face... for at least five full minutes 
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One-on-One Roleplays / Re: Till death do we part (The Savage and myself)
« Last post by the savage on Today at 06:54:10 AM »I watch you, watch you thinking that you are being strong. You might not notice it but your mouth is literally drooling and I can see you making chewing motions even though I have not actually give you any food yet. So I knew that you were weak, weak as anyone who is not supported by God can be. Leaving the morsel right in front of your mouth, right under your nose where the smell can work on you too. Still not speaking and not doing anything to return your glare. Keeping the same look of bemused calm.
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Games / Re: Would You Rather: rape edition
« Last post by randomgirl on Today at 04:23:41 AM »Same person if he isn't a sadist and different person if he is, hoping none turns out to be a sadist...
Wyr be a voyeur or a participant of a very public gang bang?
Wyr be a voyeur or a participant of a very public gang bang?
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General Discussion (Non-Fantasy) / Re: A random fact about you
« Last post by francesco165 on Today at 04:12:33 AM »All the cars both me, my father and my grandfather have bought have come from the same company, Alfa Romeo
They were, in order, a Giulietta, a Giulia, a 33, a 145, a 147, and the new Giulietta
They were, in order, a Giulietta, a Giulia, a 33, a 145, a 147, and the new Giulietta
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BDSM Stories / Re: Picking Up Strays
« Last post by Maiafay on Today at 04:05:53 AM »I'll be a bit more critty (is that even a word?) with you than with others since I know you desire some detailed feedback.
This feels part of a larger story....universe? I'm assuming this is connected to some of the others you have on your profile? The mascot series comes to mind. I haven't read those yet, but the name implies similar concepts.
I like what you set up: an alternate future that seems to have two groups of humans: citizens and subspecies. Is there cloning or some sort of genetic tampering involved? If seems implied by the mention of "inner animals" something I found intriguing. Hopefully you plan on exploring that.
Your protag is likable, obviously cares for these women. He has a simple human decency that is appealing. I like Ze too. She seems strong without being a bitch, which is tough sometimes to pull off. Sally made more of an impression than Red, though not sure why. Perhaps because she seems to have some fight left in her. Red seems, passive. And I'm drawn more to characters that are feisty, lol.
As for craft and execution, you might want to watch the overuse of the word AS. You can ctrl F AS and see how many you used just in this segment alone. Instead of using as, try a new sentence, or drop the as + whatever the sentence is altogether.
Example: The lowering clouds scudded across the early evening sky, their hue hinting at a mixture of rain and sleet to come as the temperature continued to drop.
Dropping AS: The lowering clouds scudded across the early evening sky, their hue hinting at a mixture of rain and sleet. The temperature continued to drop. <- or you can show the temp drop by having your protag turn on the heat in the car.
As in general isn't bad, but too many can weaken your descriptions and sentence structure. Like adverbs, a good guideline to follow is "less is more"
Do you ever name your protag? I don't recall in the initial read through. Is that intended?
It's a good start. Definitely alternate reality but not too extreme. Enough details to get the sense of the world and its nuances. The only other thing I would suggest is to trim the exposition in the examination scene. There's a lot of info being relayed about the two girls that could fit in later on in the "novel" if that's what you intend. All at once here slows the pace a bit. I did like the tech that identifies all the men who've had sex with the girls. Our police would love that, lol. Makes me wonder, though, if this tech is common, why the men even risked it. Even if she died, they still would be found out and arrested.
Unless of course, "citizens" don't face criminal charges for killing a pet/subspecies.
This feels part of a larger story....universe? I'm assuming this is connected to some of the others you have on your profile? The mascot series comes to mind. I haven't read those yet, but the name implies similar concepts.
I like what you set up: an alternate future that seems to have two groups of humans: citizens and subspecies. Is there cloning or some sort of genetic tampering involved? If seems implied by the mention of "inner animals" something I found intriguing. Hopefully you plan on exploring that.
Your protag is likable, obviously cares for these women. He has a simple human decency that is appealing. I like Ze too. She seems strong without being a bitch, which is tough sometimes to pull off. Sally made more of an impression than Red, though not sure why. Perhaps because she seems to have some fight left in her. Red seems, passive. And I'm drawn more to characters that are feisty, lol.
As for craft and execution, you might want to watch the overuse of the word AS. You can ctrl F AS and see how many you used just in this segment alone. Instead of using as, try a new sentence, or drop the as + whatever the sentence is altogether.
Example: The lowering clouds scudded across the early evening sky, their hue hinting at a mixture of rain and sleet to come as the temperature continued to drop.
Dropping AS: The lowering clouds scudded across the early evening sky, their hue hinting at a mixture of rain and sleet. The temperature continued to drop. <- or you can show the temp drop by having your protag turn on the heat in the car.
As in general isn't bad, but too many can weaken your descriptions and sentence structure. Like adverbs, a good guideline to follow is "less is more"
Do you ever name your protag? I don't recall in the initial read through. Is that intended?
It's a good start. Definitely alternate reality but not too extreme. Enough details to get the sense of the world and its nuances. The only other thing I would suggest is to trim the exposition in the examination scene. There's a lot of info being relayed about the two girls that could fit in later on in the "novel" if that's what you intend. All at once here slows the pace a bit. I did like the tech that identifies all the men who've had sex with the girls. Our police would love that, lol. Makes me wonder, though, if this tech is common, why the men even risked it. Even if she died, they still would be found out and arrested.
Unless of course, "citizens" don't face criminal charges for killing a pet/subspecies.
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General Discussion (Non-Fantasy) / Re: Religion and Weapons in America
« Last post by Smirkin on Today at 03:58:21 AM »@francesco165 probably just to get people worked up and thinking about them. There's a line between trolling and stupidity and sometimes I think they stand on both sides, some leaning further to one side than others. 
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General Discussion (Non-Fantasy) / Re: Religion and Weapons in America
« Last post by francesco165 on Today at 03:46:41 AM »@Smirkin : I know I shouldn't, but I'm genuinely curious.
What gets someone to subscribe to a forum, write exactly 11 posts 90% of wich where race bait, get banned, come back nearly a year later with basically the same user name so is clearly who he is and start the same exact behaviour ? With basically nobody responding to said trolling ?
It's not even that fun as trolling goes. If I decided to troll this site I would be much more creative and get much more laugh at your expense
Even trolling should not be done in an half-assed way
